Finer Things // h.s.

I Know I'm Not Your Only

Harry's POV

*Play song now: This Town by Niall Horan*

December 26th, 2016 

I could hear her tossing and turning all night. She told me that it didn't matter, and we'd talk about it in the morning, but I wish I had of fought her on it and suggested we speak about it now, rather ignoring her and agreeing to be tired. Truth is, I'm not tired at all. I should've told her about Townes. I shouldn't have let her sit there in front of our families, listening to me talk about how good someone else feels. But in all honesty, she was a distraction. A distraction from the girl I really, really enjoy spending my time with. I've travelled the world dozens of times over and I haven't met one girl worth as much time as I'd like to give to Tilly. I've been on so many dates and heard so many girls laugh but none are as annoying and loud as her perfect laugh. I've kissed girls from all sides of the globe, yet none compare to her lips. She feels like home. She is home. Every time I see her, I'm reminded of safety and security of this small town.

My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of a door opening and I sit up in the bed, looking to see if she comes and opens my door. I wait here for what feels like forever, the sound of my heart racing in my chest. The anxiety cripples me, but she never comes. The doorknob doesn't turn, and she doesn't enter the room. I inhale as I fall back onto the bed, the back of my head smashing into the white pillow of the guest bed. I've never slept in here. I've always been in her room. I remember coming home when I was nineteen to film the home scenes for 'This Is Us'. She was so different; I knew she'd changed, and something had happened. I wanted badly to talk to her and discuss our lives, I wanted to see her and tell her how much I missed her.

March 19th, 2013

I have to see her. Tomorrow morning, I leave and it's the last chance I have to visit her. I turn to the vintage analogue clock on my bedside table.

'2:02AM'

I roll over onto my back and stare at the ceiling, the moon washing light into the room from the large open window. I have to see her, and it has to be now. I won't have any time once it comes to tomorrow and then I'll be on a plane again to who knows where. Gone again. Not knowing when I'll see her again.

I get out of bed and throw on a grey hoodie over my black sweatpants, throwing a pair of vans on. I slowly creep out of my room, trying not to wake the entire household up, and slip out of the backdoor. I can't take the car because the engine will wake everyone up. I turn my head to the side, preparing to walk to her house, even though it would only be a twenty-minute walk it's too cold.

"You're joking?" I say as I see Gemma's bike leaning up against the side of the house in all its glory.

"I guess you'll have to do..." I mumble to myself as I mount my body over the bike. I pull the hoodie over my head tighter and ride into the darkness, down the driveway and through the gravel road surrounded by hundreds of trees on either side. The cool wind glides through my hair as the hoodie flips off my head, my curls going every way they can. I stand up on Gemma's bike and inhale the clean air deeply. I reach her house and stop the bike on the middle of her driveway, her house completely dark except her window.

She's still awake.

I pull out my phone from my pocket and open our messages and begin to type a message telling her to come to the window. Then I see her.

Her silhouette through the cream curtains shows her body and I watch in awe. She really has changed...

I feel my lips part and I swallow hard as I see she's taking off her shirt, but why is she doing it so slowly? I stand there in awe feeling slightly wrong for watching her undress herself.

And then I see him.

I watch as a figure much taller and bigger comes over to her and takes her face in his hands, his silhouette playing against the curtains in the dim lighting of her room. I quickly move behind a tree and watch in disbelief as he kisses her, his hands moving down her lower back until I see her break away from his kiss as she begins to pull her hair back into a pony tail. I watch as her body bends down, kneeling on the floor, and with that she disappears from my sight. But I see him, and I watch as his head tilts back and his hands go to the front of him, bobbing up and down slowly.

I feel like I'm gonna be sick.

I huff and stand there in disbelief, watching as the lights turn off. I feel an emptiness in the pit of my stomach, and I get back on the bike and begin my journey home. The cold air feeling a cool contrast in comparison to the hot feeling in my cheeks. I won't judge her. I don't even know who that was. For all I know, it could be her boyfriend.

He didn't touch her like he cared though.

The image of his hands touching her so sparsely overpowers my brain as I reach my house. The lights are still off, no one knows I left. I rest the bike against the shed and go inside, the cool air billowing from my mouth as I exhale. I walk inside and creep back up the stairs. I climb into bed quietly and lay staring at the ceiling, my quiet breaths fill the room.

I roll over onto my stomach and pull tightly at the pillow, pressing my face into it and moving my hips into the mattress. In an instant every emotion I have escapes me and I can't control myself. The tears soak my pillow and I feel myself becoming vocal with my cries. I inhale deeply and exhale sharply.

Fuck.

The next morning, I eat breakfast quickly, ready to leave home and maybe not come back for a little while. I don't understand why it hurt me so much. I've hooked up with girls, why can't she hook up with boys? I suppose I just wished we'd share that experience together.

I sit on the airplane feeling lonely as I look out onto the cloud filled sky, the early morning sun beginning to showcase its beauty. I take my notebook from my carry on, followed by a pen and begin to write how I feel.

'I don't ever ask where you've been, and I don't feel the need to know who you're with. I can't even think straight but I can tell you were just with him and I'll still be a fool, I'm a fool for you.' My eyes well up with tears as I begin to write how I'm feeling. I write the first chorus, followed by verse two, I continue to spill my emotions onto the A5 notebook until I reach a state of mind so lonely what I write next comes to a surprise.

'I know I'm not your only, but at least I'm one, I heard a little love is better than none.'