Finer Things // h.s.

I surrender

Tilly's POV

August 29th, 2017

"I miss you." I whisper into the phone as I lay alone in my bed staring at the ceiling in the darkness of my room.

"You've said that a few times..." Harry chuckles into the phone and I sigh, biting down on my lip. I can't cry, I told myself that I wouldn't. The bedside clock reading, '2:56am'.

"I can't say it enough." I say back to him and the phone line goes silent, his soft breathing heard on the other line.

It's been over three months since I've seen Harry and I miss him terribly. Everything reminds me of him and no matter how hard I try to escape my sadness I can't, and it pains me. I roll over to face my side and look out the window onto the city lights, I tug at the white button up I took from him in Rome as it sits open, unbuttoned.

"Where are you?" He asks me and I trace my fingers along my collar bone, remembering where his fingers were.

"At home. Well, in L.A." I mumble into the phone.

"I wish I was with you." He says with an exhale.

"Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't want to be alone." I whisper.

"Tilly..."

"Please, Harry. I need you." I say, begging him.

"What if someone sees?"

"It's L.A. baby, someone always sees." He reminds me and I feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes and I inhale sharply, holding the phone to my chest away from my mouth in hopes he won't hear my pain. I sit up in bed, moving to the kitchen to take my cigarettes and walk to the balcony, opening it and feeling the warm summer breeze caress my skin as I stand in a singlet, underwear and my love's button up.

"I worked so hard for all of this to slap me in the face." I say.

"No, you we're emotionally manipulated into it Matilda. They used what they knew would get to you." Harry tells me and I take a cigarette from the deck, lighting it and pressing it to my lips.

"Hey, look out onto your balcony." I say and I hear shuffling on his end of the call.

"What is it?" He asks, his voice obviously tired from staying up late these past few nights on the phone with me, I feel guilty for it but I don't know how I can possibly get through the days without his calls.

"Do you see the stars? We're both looking at the same sky right now." I whisper as I stare into the darkness of the early morning sky.

"There's barely any stars." He says.

"Do you see those two little stars twinkling? They're just right to the moon. That's us... and whenever you look up to them, no matter where you are, they're gonna be there. Just like us." I whisper, drawing from my cigarette.

"I love you." He says and I drop my head as I rest my arms on the balcony, phone pressed to my ear and a cigarette in the other hand.

"I love y-you too, Harry." I say unsuccessful in hiding my pain from him, my voice breaking.

"Hey, don't cry. Look up to the stars, I'm right there with you." He whispers and I lift my head to look at the two small stars that twinkle back at us and although they're beautiful, I wish I was there with him to see them.

******

March 16th, 2018

I sit at James' kitchen bench, looking at Instagram, surrounded by multiple celebrities ranging from high class actors and actresses to world famous singers and musicians as they all drink until they're delirious. The music is blaring, and I have no clue where James is, so I sit with my gin and tonic feeling so incredibly out of place. I scroll through a few posts until I stumble upon a photo of Harry in a purple blouse and flared black pants with the same lavender detailing as the shirt as he stands in front of thousands of people, a microphone in his hand and a singular spotlight shining onto him with the caption, 'Amsterdam, Live On Tour.' I turn my phone off and place it face down on the bench. This isn't where I'm meant to be, this isn't my place anymore and I don't want to be here. I make my way up to the second floor of James house and into the spare bedroom where I kept my things for the night, wanting to grab them to go home. I twist the door knob and hear fumbling and a gasp, and then my eyes are focused on a shirtless James pulling at his trousers, buttoning them at the waist and a woman with dark hair pulling her skirt back over her hips. My mouth drops and I shake my head in disbelief, turning to shut the door.