Finer Things // h.s.

Funeral

March 1st, 2019

Today is the day I've dreaded for the last two weeks. Today is the day I accept my Dad is gone. Today is the day I stand before the people closest to myself and my father and say goodbye. I've spent the last week curled up in his bed and I know it's strange considering that's where we said our final goodbyes, but I can't bear to be anywhere else other than the place I feel most safe. Despite being in bed every hour of every day, I haven't slept. Rather, I lay awake staring at the ceiling fan, watching it spin around slowly, the creaking being the only noise in the entire cold and empty house. I tried to eat, I really did, but I suppose it became hard when I went downstairs and couldn't smell the fresh pancakes on the stove or the sweet maple syrup throughout the house. Speaking of the house, it isn't the same. The curtains are drawn to keep the outside world away, the furniture looks old and worn out, the hallways are dark, and the house is cold. Harry tried helping me cope with the grief but I ended up lashing out at him on the second day after Dad passed away. I regret getting so angry and truly, I said some things I didn't mean; he was only trying to help... But I felt smothered and I wanted to be alone, after all I need to get used to it from here on out.

I stare at the girl in front of the mirror and I barely recognise her. Her hair is a shitty blonde colour and her roots are growing in, her cheeks are hollow and her once brown skin is now faded to a pale white colour. The black midi dress she wears hugs at her shaking body as she leans over the church sink, heaving up nothing from her empty stomach. She smells of cigarettes and whisky ooze from her and it would be a lie to say she isn't half drunk right now. She is me. I am her. I'd rather be anyone else right now.

"Tilly?" I'm disturbed by a knock at the bathroom door and Anne walks in and comes over to me, gently rubbing circles on my back with the palm of her hand.

"You're so cold, here, take my cardigan." She says as she removes the dull blue cardigan from her shoulders and places it over my own. I can't look at her, rather I stare at the sink and watch as teardrops fall into the white basin.

"Tilly, the service is about to begin." She whispers softly and I sniffle my nose, wiping under my eyes and standing straight, looking at my reflection in the mirror. I turn and walk out of the bathroom and down the church aisle, the room goes silent when people begin to see me as I take my seat down the front of the church next to Gemma who puts her arm around my shoulder as she sniffles through tears of her own. From the corner of my eye I see Harry look at me but I can't look at him because if I do I lose all control and right now whatever fucking control I have is slipping from my fingers and its slipping fast. A man in a dark blue suit takes to the altar next to a photo of my Dad and he looks to it and nods as if to pay respects and then he looks back to the sea of people dressed in black, tissues in their hands.

"Dearly beloved, I want to thank everyone for taking the time to be here today and celebrate the wonderful life of Dean Martin Jackson." He begins and I fumble for Gemma's hand, squeezing it tight as I stare at the red carpeted ground.

"Thank you to Anne for organising the funeral, if you could all please take a moment of silence to remember Dean and celebrate his life before we begin our service it would be appreciated." The man says into the microphone and I open my eyes to look up at the ceiling, not wanting to be a part of this. I scan my eyes around the room and look at all the faces of people with closed eyes, some of which I've met but many I haven't. Each person deals with this in their own way, some hold hands whilst others rest their heads on one another's shoulders. I turn my head to Harry and his skin has gone pale as he closes his eyes, the tips of his eyelashes gently touching the tops of his cheeks, his hand is in Gemma's and I notice its trembling. I quietly stand, my fingers slipping from Gemma's and I move over to him, dropping my body next to his and holding my hand in his and curling up next to him.