Deeper

49 | Forgive Me

My mind keeps playing the scenes when Melanie cried, over and over again. I think that I'm going crazy -- the shit inside me fucking hurts. It's so much better to take a full physical blow than to feel something like this. It's been torturing me for the past two weeks, but right now, it feels ten times worse when I'm not blinded by Jake's and Camilla's betrayal anymore.

Do you think that it didn't hurt me when I had to ignore you, Mel? Do you think that it didn't fucking hurt when I just turned the other way while you hugged me to sleep from behind? I couldn't even look at your face. My mind was filled with their betrayal, and one look at you would mess it up in an instant.

Do you think that I didn't miss your delicate touch, your warmth and your love for me? That night in the club, I was so lost because I missed you so fucking much -- why the hell did Austin call you if it hadn't been for me? I didn't even realize it when another girl sat on my lap, and my stupid drunken brain even created a flashback of you in her. Only when your voice snapped me out from my trance had I realized that I'd done a terrible mistake.

After we made love that night, my mind couldn't be more messed up. I even became crazier in looking for Camila, because a huge part of me wanted to believe that it was just bullshit. A lie. I had to make sure of that, but as soon as I saw her with a big pregnant belly, with tears streaming down her face, saying that Jake had tricked her, I knew that I'd lost it again. All I could see was red again.

Do you think that it was easy for me to leave you alone in that house? The same one which that lunatic broke into? Every night, I had to make sure that the securities had been standing by your front gate and that they hadn't missed their regular patrols. I called them. I called the cops. I did everything I could to make sure that you were safe.

Then I saw you again, Mel. That day, you visited the football field, waiting for me to show up. My chest tightened as I realized how much you'd been missing me. My heart hurt as I looked at the unshed tears in your eyes. Why the hell did you wait for me, Mel? Why? Why did you walk home alone in the rain? Did you not know that it would make me worried sick? I had to call Austin and told him to drive you home.

My hand is shaking when I rake my fingers through my hair, thinking about how I've fucked it up. I can't stand here anymore. I need to see her. I need to see Melanie. The hell with Jake. It's not like I'm going there without a fight.

After grabbing my car keys, I rush through the door and step into the corridor. But then, something on the ground catches my attention.

My eyes fall on the pearl necklace I gave her, which is now lying on the floor. And my world seems to stop. I swallow a lump in my throat as I take the necklace in my hand.

She was here.

Slowly, the reality comes crashing down on me. My brain is still trying to figure out what happened. If she was here, did she hear me and Jake fighting? The question is, what did she hear? How much did she hear?

Then I remember the words I said to Jake about her.

"What did you expect me to do to her?"

My heart thuds in my chest.

"It was just an act."

My heart thuds again, louder and louder.

"It's payback time."

The ache in my chest almost seems to explode. Adrenaline rushes through me as I hurry downstairs through the emergency staircase. I don't even bother to wait for the elevator. Once I reach the ground floor, I run out of the apartment building and look around. My breaths are short and fast. I'm panting, panic engulfing me.

Where is she? She can't be gone for long. I dash toward the parking lot, searching for her, until I reach the parking spot at the backside of the building. When I find her car, I freeze. I rush to it, but there's nobody inside.

No. No. No. Melanie.

I'm trying so hard to keep a clear mind, but it's so damn difficult when my worry for her keeps building up inside me.

OK. Calm down. Maybe Jake has found her. Maybe they went back home together in his car. Yeah, that must be it.

But a horrible feeling stirs inside me as I imagine the worst possible thing that can happen. What if Jake doesn't know about it either? What if she came here alone? And she doesn't have her car with her now, wandering alone on the street at night--

I squeeze my eyes shut. I can't even think further if that's the truth. Quickly, I take out my phone and dial her number.

But shit. She doesn't pick up.

Then I dial Jake's number. And of course, he doesn't pick up either.

I rush to my car and start the engine. The fear clenching around my chest is killing me. If she heard my words...

"It was just an act."

I press the gas and drive like a mad person. While my hand grips the steering wheel, the other one dials Melanie's number again, but it keeps going into a voice message.

"The number you have dialed cannot be reached. Please try again later..."

My hand shakes as I unknowingly let my tear fall. "Come on, Melanie. Please. Pick it up. Pick up my call." I'm trying my best to focus on the road, but it's getting harder as my vision is already blurred. "God, Melanie. I'm so sorry. So sorry."

It's all my fault. Not Jake's. Not Camila's. It's all because of me.

If I hadn't ignored her, Melanie wouldn't have been sad.

If I hadn't hurt her with my words, she wouldn't have been heartbroken.

If I hadn't left her, she wouldn't have come here.

If I had protected her, she wouldn't have been in danger.

"The number you have dialed cannot be reached. Please try again later..."

I curse, beating the wheel harshly. My lips tremble as I say the words again and again. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Melanie. God, I didn't mean what I said."

Honks echo in my ears as other cars on the street warn me about the way I'm driving. But I don't care. I just want to see her.

When I almost reach her house, I startle as Jake pulls out from the gate. He's driving like a mad person too. The sound of his car tire squealing echoes in the air as he makes a sharp turn.

And that's when I realize it. That he's also looking for her.

I curse and beat the steering wheel again. "Melanie," I whisper, burying my face in my hands, my shoulders shaking.

Where are you?