The Wandering God

Epilogue: Eyes Obscured By a Single Leaf

一葉障目
yīyèzhàngmù
Eyes obscured by a single leaf
Not seeing the wider picture, 'can't see the wood for the trees'

*~*~*~*~*~*

"Yes, I love him."

When I said those words, I expected anger from Ao. She will hate me. She will think I have deceived her, led her on for my own purpose.

I expected anger, or one of Ao's usual fiery outbursts. So she surprised me when all she did was turn and say:

"Follow me, little prince."

I was too afraid to argue. I rose to my feet, shakily, for they were numb from sitting so long, and followed.

Ao led me from Sho's rooms to the courtyard, where the horses waited for us, saddled and ready to go.

I caught sight of Mutou, sheathed and tied to Ao's saddle, and my chest tightened at the sight of the familiar sword.

I do not know what hurts more. Believing he is alive, or accepting he is dead.

Ao stopped beside Dunya, and reached up to the saddle. "You may ride In'yii prince," she said, gesturing to the high spirited piebald. "She likes you more than me anyway."

As if agreeing with her mistress's words, the mare nuzzled her soft nose into the pit of my arm. I stroked her neck.

Ao mounted Dunya. I did as she said and pulled myself up onto In'yii.

"Are you ready to leave?" Ao asked, turning around in the saddle.

I looked around, suddenly realizing that this was goodbye. This courtyard, that had been my home for the past 10 years. My memories, of training with Sho Sensei, of playing in the running streams with Zhangyu, and more recently, of sitting with Ao, and Zakhar, Ermi and everyone else on the terrace. All that I would leave behind.

But they were just memories. So really I would carry them with me always.

I nodded. "Yes, I am ready Ao."

Ao turned and kicked Dunya from the courtyard.

In'yii followed without much effort from me. As we rode beneath the arch I looked back once, to read the sign I had had made when I had first moved into this courtyard ten years earlier. The wood had warped, a long crack running through the middle, but the characters were still visible.

Wo You Nai. My reason for being.

I had named it for Sho Sensei. I wonder if Ao had realized.

She must hate me. She must think me disgusting.

After we left Wo You Nai Ao turned Dunya left, away from the other residences of the valley, toward where the hills rose to and the forest grew thicker.

She is following the same path we took that day, when I carried her up the hill, I realized.

"Ao?" I said hesitantly. "This is not the way we came in."

"I know prince. Follow me."

"Do you want to leave the valley? Or..."

Ao did not turn around, or answer, and my voice faded away.

She has not turned around even once. She must hate me, for lying to her. She must think I deceived her for my own ends.

And she would be right. I had. And I hated myself for it. I am the worst. She must want to leave me, but cannot because of her promise to Sho Sensei.