Notes (Jenlisa)

Chapter 14

Lisa,
I don't know how to start this letter if I'm being honest. You're almost 19 years old now. That makes five years that I haven't had contact with you. I've sent you gifts, for every year of your birthday and every Christmas. But I never hear back from you. I understand that a gift is not enough. I understand that nothing materialistic could ever make right how I left you. Ever. I left you in a horrible way. I did not say goodbye to my eldest child and that can never be excused. Even though I am very sorry about that, it will never be enough. I don't know how you thought of me before opening this letter and I don't know how you will think of me after it. The only thing I can do is hope that you don't hate me.

I do not know if your father has explained the situation to you, but I think you at least deserve an explanation from me. Your father and I were deeply in love when we got married. After a while though, it got to a point where love was not enough to save our marriage. You were very young when our fights began. They started innocent, but at some point they became extreme. We tried hard to make it work because we both knew we still loved each other. But we had to consider our children. You and your little brother and sister were in the midst of two constantly arguing parents and it was far from fair. I suggested to your father that I'd leave for a while and take the three of you with me. I though that was a good idea, I thought maybe afterwards we could work things out properly as a family. But he dismissed the idea. I understood why, though.

It was when the arguments started to get out of hand, I had to make a very difficult choice. I had to leave and take my children with me. I was planning on leaving for just a while, a week tops. So when your father left for his late night shift, I packed my bag, Bambam and Minnie's bag and yours, Lisa. I carried a sleepy Bambam and Minnie to the car and came back for you. When I saw you sleeping peacefully, I knew I couldn't do it. I could not take you. You and your father had a bond, Lisa. A very special one. And I dared not not break that by taking you away from him. You were always his favourite. I could not be that cruel to him or you. So I took off the cross necklace my mother gave me and put it next to your bed. Then I left. I left my eldest child, which was the worst decision of my life.

I cried on the way to my mothers house. The next day, I got a lot of angry text messages and calls from your father and I told him that I wouldn't be back for a while. I could not face you, knowing that I left you. He was upset, that is understandable. A few months later I filed for divorce, it was the best thing to do for us all. Your father and I kept in touch and he spoke to your brother and sister on special occasion like their birthdays, so they knew who he was. Even though it was just vaguely. But anytime he would ask if I wanted to speak to you I couldn't. I would send you gifts and money instead. Do you know why?
Because I knew what I did was wrong. I should have never left you. It wouldn't have ever mattered if I said goodbye or not, I shouldn't have left in the first place. I thought you hated me and I couldn't face what I done to you.

Weekly conversations between your father and I slowly turned into monthly ones and after a while we wouldn't even speak for a year. I couldn't speak to you because I could not face the fact that I ripped you from your siblings and me. I did not know how to explain myself to you, you were so young, I didn't know if you would understand. I didn't know if you hated me, I didn't know if you even remembered me. But I never forgot you Lalisa Manoban. I always loved you. And I did what I did because I loved you.
I really hope that you still want anything to do with me. I want to explain myself to you face to face, Lisa. I understand if that is something you don't want. You have the right to not want to speak to me. This letter is way overdue, I know. If you will just give me a chance to explain myself. Please.

Your brother and sister miss you a lot. I miss you a lot. We love you. We never stopped loving you,

From mom.