The Resident

Chapter 7

JANEL'S POV:

The week went. The week went slowly. The week was boring. The week was torture. The week felt painful. The empty feeling in my chest and the waves of pain, but not actual pain, just kept coming and going all through the week.
I sat on the patio, because that reminded me of Ian. I sat in the chair he sat in that last day.
I walked in the park because that reminded me of Ian. I sat on the rock he had sat on that last day.
I did all my usual stuff that I used to do. Except none of it was entertaining anymore. It was all....boring. It was like I was a zombie now. Like I used to be. All I had done before, was simply EXSIST. But when I met Ian, I came alive. I LIVED. And now that he wasn't here....all I did was exsist again.
Listening to music was the best thing I could do. It was the only thing that made me feel entertained.
I kept going back to the Ian Sheer CD's. I didn't know why. They just....soothed me.More than they ever had before. His voice. It felt familiar. It felt cozy to me. I'd never noticed that before. Maybe because his name was Ian, too. I didn't know.
Bonnie gave me more "chores" to help out with more than usual, she said to keep me busy, and the time until Ian came back would get here faster. It didn't seem like it worked, but maybe it did, looking back. I would have had all those days to just sit and do nothing, and that would have been worse, I suppose.
Bonnie gave me a lot of talks, too, whenever she could.
And I had noticed that when I slept, the empty feeling in my chest went away, so I ended up taking a lot of naps. That helped.

I had lost track of the days after a few days. They were all a blur of wishing Ian was around.
I wanted to touch his hands sooooo badly. I craved them. I craved feeling them on my face. I tried hard all the time, to remember in detail, how his rough fingertips felt. The fingertips on his left hand felt rough and hard. But his right hand, they didn't. Weird.

Sometimes I'd stop what I was doing, almost like I was frozen for a second, when the reality of what I'd done would hit me out of the blue.
I had held a person's hand. REAL actual hands were on my face.
This was big. SO big. Even I couldn't believe it sometimes.
My entire life I'd been so afraid of anyone touching me. But yet, I'd longed for it so badly....
And now that it happened....I craved it even worse.
Feeling the warmth of Ian's fingertip for the first time.....there were no words I could use.
And then feeling his hand wrapped around mine. It felt so....safe. It scared me so much that for it to feel so safe was amazing to me.
And his arm. It was even warmer than his hand. Feeling the actual heat leaving someone's body, and warming my own skin.......I can't even explain the feeling.
I almost don't know why I'd never tried it before. But I DO know why, when I think about it. Because I've never trusted someone like I trust Ian. There's just something about him. I don't know what. Just a feeling I get from him. He's so.....real. Genuine, I guess the word is. And he seems to really care about me. It's almost like he protects me. I feel that way when we're walking together. And my feeling was sort of confirmed that day after we held hands, and we came back here and Bonnie ran up to me, after seeing us holding hands.
I could feel Ian's hand get tighter around mine. I could sense his body stiffen up as she ran over.
It felt like he was ready to protect me if she did anything wrong. Not that she would. But that's the feeling I got from Ian's almost unnoticeable moves. At least, that's what I think. I could be wrong.
He just makes me feel safe. Cared for.
GOD, I missed him.

Also, I probably never tried touching anyone's hands before, because there was no one's hands whom I'd wanted to bother touching.
Ian's a cute guy. I remember the first time looking up at him in the sunlight at that street pole. He had the bluest eyes. And the way the sun shone in his firey hair....he stood out from everyone else.
I was mezmerized and couldn't talk for a minute as I stared at him. I couldn't look away. I'd tried. But I couldn't. And I didn't feel scared like usual, when someone talked to me. His eyes felt.....like home.
Like I'd waited all my life to finally look into those eyes.
When Ian held out his hand to shake mine that first day as we were walking, flashes of my hand moving up and just putting it in his hand and shaking, like a normal person flew through my mind. I even moved the first muscle to lift my hand to his. But I thought about it for a split second too long, and ruined all the bravery I felt. I'd never felt like that before.

I guess what I'd discovered in this week without Ian, was that I really really really liked him. I think it's like when a girl likes a boy, like in the movies. I'm not sure, but I think this is what that feels like. I've never felt it before.
I wish he'd like me in this way. It would be so scary, but I'd be so happy.
Bonnie has been giving me advice all week, as if he DOES like me like that. I just let her talk, because it's fun to hear, and imagine that he really does like me like that. And because she cares about me and is always trying to help me, so I don't wanna be rude and tell her to stop and that it's not like that.
It will never be like that. No one will ever want to be my boyfriend, or have me as their girlfriend. I'm slow, and damaged, and I'm not normal. I'm trying. I'm almost normal sometimes. But I'm not all the way normal. And no one likes people like that. And he must be important, going to other states for work. What would he want with me? What DOES he want with me? WHY does he spend all this time with me?
This is what this lonely week did to me. Every day. Several times a day. I'd suddenly think about stuff deeper, and realize that none of it made much sense. But I always talked myself out of it, and remembered what I'd decided before. Just have as many good times with Ian as I can, until he stops coming to see me someday. I'd rather have the experiences with him, then try and hide from it because it will hurt later. So I'll hurt later. Big deal. It was all worth it already. More than worth it. I'd have these memories forever. I'd touched another human. I'd laughed out loud. That was something I'd never done, either. I might have laughed before, but it was always silent. I even had to teach myself to smile years ago, let alone laugh!

Ian did call me 3 times. He couldn't talk long, though. He had to borrow people's phones, he said, because his wasn't working right. After the first time he called, every time I'd hear the phone ring at the reception desk, my heart would start beating fast, I'd freeze in place, and listen to see if they'd come get me. I knew most of the time it wouldn't be him, but I wanted it to be.
I'd never talked on the phone before. It was another first for me, thanks to Ian!
When I told him this on the first call, he said he couldn't tell. I sounded like everyone else sounds on the phone. I'd seen enough calls on tv and movies, so I was pretty sure I could get it right. I said "hello" when I got on, and "goodbye" when he did. It was pretty easy. My nervousness was gone after that first call.
He told me about the weather where he was, and what city he was in, and sometimes he'd tell me about silly, strange people he'd meet along the way at work. I barely remembered what he said the whole call, because I was so distracted by listening to his voice. It was so relaxing to hear his voice at least. He told me his missed me a lot of times, though. I remember that. He said that work wasn't as fun as before, because he was missing me and thinking of me all the time. That was nice of him.

After one week and one day, there was a light tap at my room door one afternoon.
I looked over from watching tv, and I saw the firey hair in my doorway. If I hadn't taught myself to smile before this, THIS would have been how I learned. My smile was so big, it was hurting my cheek muscles. But I couldn't stop it. It wouldn't stop.
I jumped out of my papasan chair and my entire body wanted to throw itself at Ian. I just wanted to wrap myself around him and never let him go again. But my mind wouldn't allow it of course, no matter how great it seemed in my imagination.
I walked shyly over to Ian, who stood smiling big at me in the doorway.
And he immediately held out his hands to me.