cause you were all yellow | a.i.

thirty three.

us james bay
"tell me how cause believe in something. i believe in us."

i dreaded going home every day after practice. i hated going back to that bubble. i just wanted to stay with him all the time.

but i couldnt. i always had to go back.

thats why i lived for the next moment i got to see him.

i dreaded starting school but it wasnt as bad as i thought since i got to see him.

had you told me five months ago that i would be the assistant coach for a guys soccer team, i would have called you crazy. but i lived for practices cause i got to see him.

but what i truly lived for was the random nights he would come pick me up to go live.

when saturday night rolled around, i heard a knock at the door. per usual my mom told me she would get it and then called to me who it was. this time it was-

"ashtons here."

i shot up out of bed. ashtons here?

i heard him talking to my mom, just keeping himself on her good side. i didnt open my door til i heard my mom ask, "how do you know where her room is?"

shit.

i pulled the door open. "cause i was holding the door open a little. he could pry see it."

"plus that night we had dinner here, which may i just say again, it was amazing," ashton continued buttering her up to marinate our lie. "she showed us her room after you went to sleep. well, she wanted to show us something from inside and we all followed."

good one ash. it sounded believable too.

"oh, i forgot i went to bed early that night," my mom said brushing it off.

thank god.

i walked back into my room, my anxieties eased that she didnt question it any farther. ashton closed the door behind him walking over to sit down on the edge of my bed beside me.

"so, what are we doing tonight?" i asked quietly, still scared my mom could hear me.

"well, lukes having another party but im not sure youre ready to be back there so if not we can go get food," ashton explained to me, keeping his voice low too.

"oh okay," it caught me off guard.

id spent almost three months now just trying to block out what he had done to me, and i had been doing a pretty good job of it. but i had forgot at some point id have to stand in the exact same spot in the same scenario.

it was fine when i went to band practices because the memories werent triggered by the sound of the bass radiating through the hosue or the smell of alcohol.

but now they would be.

"we dont have to go, clairo," he whispered, placing a hand on my knee, rubbing his thumb back and forth.

"i want to," i told him sternly. "im not going to let what he did to me control my life."

"youre so strong, you know that. right?" he asked me.

i smiled to him. he planted a small kiss on my lips before i stood up, picking out clothes to wear.

i skipped over the band tee id worn that night and decided on ashs tee shirt hed given me the night we swam under the moon.

i quickly changed, adding on a pair of jeans. ash was laying on my bed, facing away from me the whole time.

i crawled across the bed to him, leaning my chin on his bicep. "you ready?" i asked, seeing he was texting the 5 seconds of mars group chat that didnt include me.