𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗢𝗳 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲 🤍

•𝗖𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱𝗲𝗿•

•✨•

Nikki's POV, November 16th 1986

Tommy, fuck... I can't get him out of my head... for the rest of yesterday I couldn't remove the drummer from my mind... and today's no different.

I'd tried to be normal, when I got back home yesterday from Tommy's I did my normal routine, I had breakfast watched TV, had a shower and tried to write a song but the only lyrics I could come up with are metaphors for how I was currently feeling which was a confused mess.

For the last 24 hours my mind has been trying it's hardest to rationalise the other night, going through every possible explanation as to why he let me fuck him and why I let him fuck me, the conclusions it's coming too I don't like. I don't like them at all.

My minds ended up digging out things which could have lead up too what happened, the entire day before we went out Tommy and I were together for the entire day, we were only apart for about an hour and that was because we needed to go home to change clothes to go out in.

That entire day we were throwing back and forth comments and admiring one another on MTV and inside the many magazines the Crüe are included in, while looking at these things both me and Tommy openly saying how we both found the other attractive, this was all meant to be fun and games- certainly not meant to have been taken seriously, my heart though is telling me I meant the things I said to Tommy and that's fucking scary for me, I can't mean it.

I just can't have meant it. I can't have. I'm not gay.

All of this was made worse by the fact that even if I accept that maybe I was gay, Tommy probably doesn't feel the same. Vince, Tommy and I and to an extent Mick have/had done things which would be questionable in one way or another, Vince and Tommy and I are up practically anything in the bedroom and have had our fair share of threesomes, foursomes and orgys together, Mick wasn't into that anymore but he has confessed to us that in the past he's done similar things before 'growing up' as he called it, and that's fair enough I guess but I have a feeling Vin, Tom and I never will or not entirely anyways.

So, like I said before that's probably what this was to Tommy, just something new to try out- just to be able to say 'yep, I've done that', I didn't know if I was happy or heartbroken by that trail of thought.

Man, Tommy was messing with my head so fucking bad.

If this continued then I feel that I'm gonna need way more drugs to help me through this, smack mostly I think seems as that was my drug of choice at the moment and had been for several months now. I've been taking it for a couple of years but this year it's kinda become a problem, way more than I like to admit aloud.

I do it more in secret now because of how much I find myself reliant on it at this point in time and I'm gonna get way more reliant on it thanks to Tommy.

This isn't all his fault, it's mostly mine for giving in to the forbidden place in the back of my mind and getting caught up in my lust for the drummer.

I hadn't spoken to him, that's not to say he didn't try to speak to me, he'd been ringing none stop yesterday leaving voicemail after voicemail after voicemail asking if I was okay, if we were 'okay' asking for me to call him back frankly sounding desperate to talk to me.

All of yesterday I managed to ignore Tommy's calls by confiding myself to my bedroom but today I didn't have that luxury... he'd been calling from 7am this morning until 12pm, now it was 12:15pm.