𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗢𝗳 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲 🤍

•𝗥𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘀𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻•

•✨•

Nikki's POV, May 30th 1987

Hey... so... shit's happened...

I've been thinking long and hard about Tommy and more importantly how I feel about Tommy over the last 6 months... I've played everything over in my head and I could come to no other conclusion other to fully admit than yep, I'm in love with him.

As much as I've now accepted that I still don't know what to fucking do... I don't know what the think or how to feel...

Right now, my head has decided on hating it's own existence because now I've admitted the fact I love Tom it's like my brain has gone into meltdown.

It's bad... let me put it like this... I can only sleep with girls now if I remember that night with Tommy... it used to be that I had to think of some random dude who I'd just make up... and possibly Tommy if I was in a particularly horny mood- but now no, I have to picture Tommy now otherwise I feel absolutely no sexual desire at all. Isn't that fucking amazing?

The chick I fucked last night and I actually ended up calling her Tommy as I came inside her... it wasn't my proudest moment let me tell you that.

I've never had deep sexual attraction to women but to get anywhere in our type of rock music you have to fuck women to keep up appearances... I pretty much hated it.

On top of everything else my affair with heroin was less of an affair now... it was a hardcore obsession. I was taking way too much, I knew that but it's the only thing I can do to try and suppress the guilt for how I've been treating Tommy.

Really, I don't want to be so out of it all the time but it's a natural reaction to shoot up that I can't seem to shake right now.

Tommy and I since the party have spoken but for me it makes everything ten times worse, he doesn't seem to hate me... which is good... the first time I saw him after the party was awkward but he didn't seem to show any signs of hating me.

We actually seem to be closer to how we were before we slept together, we still aren't the whole way there but it's closer than what it was so... it's like after that argument in Vince's bedroom Tommy's doing what I did but dealing with it much better... he's blocking out how he feels about me because he thinks I don't feel the same... I've never been good with emotions, how I dealt with this entire situation is exactly how you shouldn't deal with it.

I wanted to tell Tommy I loved him... I wanted too so bad every time I saw him but I can't... he wouldn't believe me, I hurt him... he doesn't deserve me.

It was rather nice to have a new set of problems after having the same ones for years- I was finally free to be who I was, Vince had actually been great- he really helped me in the shame I initially felt at saying aloud I was in fact gay, he really helped me accept myself.

We'd finished 'Girls, Girls, Girls' now, it'd been released 15 days ago, we were all pretty proud of it and now we were waiting to go on tour- we have a meeting on it in a couple of weeks, just finalising that we can do every show and happy with the venues we have.

Things are going better than they were, that's for sure.

Still haven't had much contact with the outside world though, I only leave the house now for food shopping, band meetings and studio sessions but seems as we just released an album that last one doesn't really count anymore- I just didn't feel the need to go outside, I'd rather stay in and shoot up it's way more enjoyable.