𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗢𝗳 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲 🤍

•𝗕𝗮𝗰𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗢𝘂𝘁•

•✨•

Nikki's POV, July 20th 1987

It was killing me having Tommy think I don't love him. I needed to tell him... it was chewing away at my mental health and there's no one to blame but me.

I had to apologise to him... for everything... for being an asshole, for the drugs... for worrying him... he didn't deserve this- why couldn't he have fallen for someone less screwed up? Like what's attractive about me? I can't fucking see it.

Right now I'm a jacked up waste of space.

Why would anyone want that?

Tommy apparently, for some unknown reason. He has to know how I feel about him but I can never seem to say it, I've come close but never quite for got there... he'd rang me at least three times a week talking to me for 3-4 hours- the reason I don't quite know but it was nice... makes a change from Vince. No offence to Vince but I'd take Tommy talking to me over him anyday.

Talking to Tommy actually gave me some hope that maybe if I did say that I loved him he'd forgive me for being a dick... then I'd go to say but end up backing out quickly.

Tommy couldn't hate me.... I don't think anyways- there's always that fear though, it's stopped me from doing so much in my life and now it's stopping me from possibly fixing my heart and Tommy's too.

I'm high at the moment which I think is no shock to anyone but I knew if I was going to say anything about apologising and what not I had to be high cause sober me doesn't have the balls to do that right now, high me doesn't either now I come to think of it but I'm more likely to become an emotional bitch and involuntarily spew out my thoughts when I'm fucked on smack.

So, I was sat in my bedroom right now staring at my phone on my bedside table debating whether to call Tommy or not- I'm also completely stumped on how to bring up these subjects... I can't just like spring it on him... but I'm awful at sappy shit when off my face.

Not that I'm much better when I'm sober to be honest but still.

I sit for probably an hour and a half staring at the phone, trying to buck up the courage to dial Tom's number, it was pissing me off... why couldn't I just call him?

Don't be a pussy, just pick up the phone and dial the number it's not hard... do it Nikki... just do it.

My arm reaches out and snatched the phone out the cradle, I hold the phone in my hand and take a deep breathe, slowly I then dial in Tommy's number and place the phone against my ear.

The phone rang for about 20 seconds before it stopped and Tommy's voice reached my ear "Hello?" I went to say something but for some reason couldn't even say a simple hello, the lack of response confused Tommy as he didn't know who was even calling him so he repeated "Er... hello? Anyone there?"

A second or so later I manage to find my voice "Yo... it's me"

"Nikki? What's up?" Tommy asked slightly taken aback seems as I rarely ring him nowadays, I also probably sounded like shit... this is gonna worry him more isn't it, why is it I always make things worse when I'm trying to make them better?

First with saying fucking Tommy meant nothing, then with the drugs, now with this... my life's so fabulous, isn't it?

"Nothing... I... I... I don't really know why I called... I just wanted to hear someone's voice I guess.."