home (reader at hogwarts)

six

severus stares at you intently, and you feel the tips of your ears get red as you wonder what on earth he must be thinking.

does he think of you as incompetent, the way he thought, or will think, of neville ? does he regard you as an inconvenience in his life, the way he goes on to think about potter?

"you know about potter?" he asks, standing up and reaching for the bag he kept at his feet.

"i do." you answer.

"then you know what happened in godric's hollow?" he presses, rummaging around in the big black bag.

you nod, still peering at the bag. severus pulls out a large sized leather pouch and unhinges a small silver clasp. the pouch opens up entirely, almost as if the fabric had been ripped at the seams and you watch albus lean forward and glare at the silver tools, vials filled with magical looking solutions and patches of what looks like plasters.

"do you really need all of this?" albus asks, wearily.

"since this is so last minute, i didn't have time to unpack my things and look for things more specifically." severus sneers at dumbledore. "i brought the emergency kit, though i doubt i'll be needing all of it."

"needing it for what?" you ask. severus holds out a hand and you take it shivering at the icy quality of his palm and let him lead you to the ledge of a window.

he lifts you up, without magic surprisingly, sitting you on the window ledge and waves his wand once.

the emergency kit floats towards the pair of you and you look pleadingly towards albus for him to join the pair of you at the window.

you aren't afraid of severus but you can't help but be a bit unsettled. medical procedures done by a professional isn't something you had ever had and the only experience you had with anything medical were the drugs administered to you almost every day- when you got, according to your mother, too 'out of hand'.

"this won't hurt a bit," severus says quietly, not an ounce of emotion in his baritone voice. "i'm only going to look at it now."

you let him lift your arm towards him and watch as his black eyes flicker from puncture to puncture in the purple patch of your upper arm.

he flinches when albus touches his shoulder to peek at your arm too. "what is it, severus? what do you suspect?"

severus bites his lower lip, turning it pink and looks up at you. "what is this?"

you smile, helplessly. "exactly what you think- little holes, pokes, punctures."

"injections?" he asks, fiddling with a vial in the pouch. "is it a medication?"

"i'm not sure what it is. my mother and her boyfriend just give them to me- no matter how much i protest." you say honestly.

he looks up at you from his pouch again and asks another question. "how does it make you feel- the drug?"

"sleepy. i see things, things that aren't real."

"for instance?"

you think hard. "big purple cats, smiles in the walls, balloons filled with confetti that pop when i try to reach them."

you tear up a little, not because you feel sad but because your body does.

"the whole room spins. sometimes i feel as though the walls are falling inwards, that i might get crushed."

"i shrink." you wipe your face.

"and sometimes if feel myself get big. but i'm not really- it's all in my head. when i get given the injections, i go all loopy."

severus blinks twice before you see a light go off in his head and it finally clicks.

he steps back, grabbing what looks like a large cotton swab and grabbing your arm again.

"this should only tickle." he says.

he runs it along your arm and you try hard to keep the smile off of your face at the sensation.

it would be strange to start laughing now.

"got it." he said, holding the tip of the swab near his eyes.

it glowed blue and you stared at it in awe as severus unscrewed the bottom metal handle and pulled out a peice of charred parchment.

upon it read a short word, burned into the paper. "ketamine."

you and albus say together. "what is ketamine?"

"muggle drug," severus says, talking to the both of you while he looks to the pouch once more and pulls out a silver tonic.

"you've been given too much of it and you'll probably have a severe reaction tonight if you don't get any."

"then give her some." albus offers but severus shakes his head.

"no. this has gone on for far too long so we must get you-" he looks at you. "off of the drug."

"how?" you ask, your eyes feeling heavy with stress.

"i mean if i've been getting the injections for as long as i can remember- what if i'm too used to them?"

"you are too used to them." says severus. "that is the problem."

"i don't see how that's a problem. i'm fine just taking the injection. it'll be way too hard to get off-"

"one," severus sticks up a finger, shutting you up. "no one here is going to go out in to the muggle world and buy ketamine for you and your sorry self miss l/n."

you feel heat rise to your cheeks.

"and two," he raises another finger. "it may be fine for now but the addiction will eventually become too much for you to bear-"

his expression changes from that of annoyance to real concern. "it will, ultimately, kill you."

your heart stops and you feel cold once again.

"so what can we do?" asks albus, sitting beside you and putting a hand on your back.

"we need to take you off of it now," he says urgently. "but it will be painful."

you try hard to stay calm as you ask. "how painful? what will happen to me?"

"i'll put you on a withdrawal therapy and you'll have a multitude of severe symptoms. nervousness, sweating, vomiting, nausea, hallucinations, paranoia-"

"severus-" albus interrupts looking at you as you stare at severus with wide terrified eyes.

you gulp. "is that all?"

severus opens his mouth and you watch his eyes glance to the wall behind you in thoughts before he changes his mind.

"you'll feel the symptoms when they arrive. withdrawal is never the same for everyone- and you never know," his lips turn up in a bittersweet smile. "you might just have it better than the rest of mankind hung upon drugs."

"i didn't choose this." you whisper.

"i know." severus says quieter. "that may be the saddest part."

"how?" albus asks.

severus puts a hand under your chin and looks at you with more kindness hidden away in his eyes than you had ever imagined he was capable of.

"i can't turn you away."

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