BAD BOY SAVED (male pov)

Shame

I could feel myself backing out of my plan to report my abuser, it was just too easy for me to leave the lake house behind and push everything that happened here right down deep inside of myself with the other dark things that happened in my past.

But I couldn't be that selfish.

I needed to force myself to speak out. I'm an adult now, what happened to me was in the past. Sure it left me with present day scars and a mind filled with so much junk it's hard to decipher what a normal way of thinking is, not that I've ever experienced that. But he was there, around children daily. I needed to speak out and give them the protection that I was failed.

Truth is that I'm a coward and as I drove back to Stanford through the roads with the wind hitting my face and Olivia clutching my chest from behind I knew that once I was back on the Stanford campus I would slip into a routine that helped me swallow back the darkness and keep everything at bay.

If I left here without admitting that I was going to confess every troubling thing that happened to me then I would simply just not do it. So I made an unscheduled stop, at some road side international house of pancakes.

"You're hungry?" Olivia asked me as I helped her climb off my bike.

I wasn't hungry, not in the slightest. I felt too nervous and too frightened to even contemplate food right now. If I told her my plan it would make it real. I would no longer be allowed to back out.

"I just can't go back yet." I admitted, interlocking our fingers and hoping the mere join of our bodies would give me enough strength to push through my anxious feelings.

The diner was empty except for a couple of truckers on the opposite end to where we were seated. A server came to the table right away and I just quickly shouted an order at him.

"Two stacks of pancakes with Nutella, obviously. One with strawberries, one with blueberries." The server wrote in a small pad and I looked a Olivia "Yeah?" I confirmed and she nodded her head with the sweetest smile on her face.

I could feel the saliva clogging at the back of my throat, it was making it hard for me to form any words. In the quiet of our conversations I rehearsed in my head what I was going to say but even in my mind I couldn't form the sentences.

Jeeze Liam, if it's this hard to think... imagine how hard it is going to be to do.

"Olivia?"

Great start.

"Yeah?" The sunshine was hitting her eyes right in the center, making everything reflect back. The world looked so much more enchanting through her eyes, they were that beautiful they could give anything a wondrous look.

"When we get back..." I tried to press on, choking up on my own words.

"Yeah?" She questioned, sensing my hesitation.

I opened my mouth, willing my brain to allow words to fall out but nothing was coming. Then a server brought over our food, it looked undoubtedly delicious but my stomach was churning too much to be hungry.

"I've eaten so much these past couple of weeks and I haven't trained at all getting back into it is going to be hard." I picked up my fork, desperate to busy my mouth even though I had no appetite. She placed a warm hand over mine, stopping the movement of my fork and my eyes slowly moved upwards to face her.

Oh and how pure she looked, pale face and a natural rose to her cheeks. Her lips sat relaxed on her face, with no expression what-so-ever. Her eyes soft, knowing I was struggling with something internally but telling me that was okay.

"Liam, whatever you're trying to say... just say it." She purred softly.

I dropped the fork from my clasp and interlocked our fingers, searching for that strength yet again. I sucked in the air, filling my lungs entirely and trying to get a fresh batch of oxygen into my brain cells so that they wouldn't fail me when I tried to tell her what was on my mind.

Come on Liam, you can do this.

"Olivia..." I tried again "When we get back..."

Come on Liam, just say it.

I took another anchoring breath in and out.

"There is something I need to do."

Good Liam, that's the furthest you've got so far. Keep going.

"What?" She whispered, it was more like a tiny squeak falling from her lips. That small word was layered in so much emotion, like somehow she was pleading with me to say the thing that was running around her mind.

"I'm gonna face him Liv, I'm gonna tell the cops everything that he did. I will fight him and I will win." In all honesty I knew I sounded pathetic saying that, there no way anyone would believe I was confident in my plan, because I wasn't.

Her lips parted slightly and her eyes hardened, I think I took her by surprise. Whatever she wanted me to say, that wasn't it.

"Liam..." She said slowly.

Just ask her Liam.

"Will you do something for me?" I asked timidly.

"Of course."

I knew walking into a police department was going to be hard. I knew that sitting down and holding pen to paper and writing those words was going to be even harder. But the hardest thing of all was definitely going to be reciting everything to her. Having her know everything that he ever did to me, having the ability to imagine it as clear me. It made me feel ... ashamed.

But you can't do it alone Liam, you need her.

I took a deep breath and focused on a grain of sugar that lay astray on the wooden table. I couldn't bring myself to look at her.

"Will you come with me when I put a statement in?" I felt her warm hand gently curl around around chin and she pushed my face up to look at her.

It's almost moronic that people describe green-eyed as a trait of jealousy because the only thing Olivia's green eyes have taught me is pure acceptance, support, love and compassion. They were incredibly exquisite and gave her the power to steal my breath away with just once hypnotizing glance.

I knew I had no reason to feel ashamed, she wouldn't think any differently of me but I also didn't know how to stop feeling that way. There was just, and always has been so much shame surrounding my abuse. It wasn't my fault, I accepted that a long time ago. I couldn't do anything to stop it but I still felt disgraced by it.

"If you're ready to fight then I will be right beside you with my weapons." She said with such surety and confidence behind her words. In a thankful gesture I squeezed her hand and offered her a small smile.