BAD BOY SAVED (male pov)

Close your eyes

My mind just felt so heavy, everything that my mom fed me placed doubts within. I was doubting my mistrust in her and I was doubting my decision to reject her acceptance after all of this time. Her words replayed over and over in my mind and the look on her face as she said them. With her addictions sated by the controlled use of hospital drugs she almost looked normal. It made me feel more and more inclined to get her the help she needed. It was a cruel hint at what could be, telling me it was within reach if only she stretched her arms out that little bit further.

"It doesn't look like my parents are home yet." Liv said as we eyed up the vacant space in her driveway, I nodded a response feeling mad at her parents. They haven't seen Liv in months but can't even be home when they knew she was coming back. Why did we both get dealt a shitty hand in life?

I followed behind her, remembering every square inch of her home as she led me up the stairs to her bedroom. It was exactly how I remembered it, soothing lilac shades dressed the walls and the whole room smelt like her. But it wasn't the memories that clung to fairy lights on the wall or the sweet little decorative items that dressed her tables that caught my attention. It was the bed.

The bedding was the same, white throw with small swirling patterns on and cushions that complimented the rooms palette. I trailed my finger up the comforter, remembering everything I felt in those sweet moments shared in her bed.

I was nervous, completely overwhelmed by nerves but as we begun I realized the fear was actually bigger in my head. The mental struggle was immense but what happened after I pushed past it was a thing like no other. It was the first time I had ever felt loved by a single soul, it poured into me and clenched my heart, stole my breath and knocked me off my feet.

It was beautiful and heartbreaking.

"It's weird being here. I always associated sex as something bad. All of my memories of doing it are negative ones, except for here. It was confusing and I still think back to it to try and understand the emotions I felt at the time."

I sat down on her bed and ran my palms across the material.

"At first I felt like we were doing something wrong. I knew you consented but it still felt like I shouldn't be doing it and it made me believe I was a bad person for even suggesting it. But then the darkness started slipping away and I was just completely consumed by this feeling of love. Not just the love I had for you but the love I felt from you. It was amazing. I have never felt anything like that."

Liv was a virgin, completely untouched but she was confident and ready. I was a mess, inside and outside. I was far from ready but I wanted it and I trusted her enough to give her myself entirely.

"So why do I find it so hard to do it again?" I voiced the thoughts circling around my mind.

Her face was so serious, listening with care and understanding. Jade green eyes looked back at me, like premature floral blooms on a spring day.

"Do you shoot the ball in the goal the first time?" Her question caught me off guard and it made me smile to myself. She's really trying to explain the extent of my damage through soccer metaphors.

"Um... yes." I replied confidently rewarding me with a sarcastic expression from Olivia.

"Don't be cocky, what I mean is... everything takes time, it takes practice. For so long your mind has believed one thing and now you need to retrain it into thinking something entirely different. It's not an easy journey."

But retraining my mind is hard, exhausting and scary as hell. I just want to skip all of that and go straight to being normal.

"There are just so many psychological issues. I either think it is wrong or I get these flashbacks, I just wish I could switch my brain off and be normal." I admitted.

"Liam, lie back. Close your eyes." I looked at her strangely, trying to work out what she was planning. There was a certain determination to her face that intrigued me and made me feel slightly nervous, but in a good way. She gestured towards the pillows and I slipped off my shoes, making myself comfortable on her bed. I closed one eye and peered at her with the other but she laughed and ordered me to close them both.

"So you fantasize about sex, right? Have sex dreams? Masturbate?"

What the fuck!

My eyes opened again, wide. I could feel the embarrassment screaming at her from my face. Did she honestly expect me to answer that question?

"Close your eyes. Answer the question" She ordered, answering my unspoken thoughts.

What was she planning? Did she want to watch me -? No, there's no way I could do that in front of her. Could I?

"Yes." I muttered quietly, keeping my eyes screwed tightly closed, hidden behind all of the red my skin had turned.

"Tell me your fantasy."

Almost instantly every scenario played out in my mind, every dream I have ever had. Every sexual thought I've wished for and every daydream I've conducted up whenever I have been alone in the bedroom with my hand. She was already turning me on and I hadn't even been touched.

"Oh my God." I whispered, trying to find the confidence to say the words that I was thinking out loud. I felt her sit down beside me by the dip in the mattress, she was careful not to touch me and I was thankful for that because with my eyes closed I was unsuspecting and on edge.

"Go on. You tell me and I will do it." My eyes opened, looking at her with fear. I sat myself up on my elbows, questioning her silently.

"I don't know Liv... that is like giving you full control." I thought she understood, I couldn't give her complete control, I wasn't strong enough for that. He controlled me.

"It's not, it's the opposite. I won't touch you anywhere you don't tell me to touch you. Everything is your choice, nothing more, nothing less."

Her green eyes gave me a vivid view of honesty and patience. They were like two rare emeralds with a virescent glow that reflected back at me with complete beauty. I trusted her and loved her with all of my being. There wasn't a single doubt in my mind that she would touch me somewhere I hadn't granted permission to be touched. But that didn't make committing to this challenge any less scarier.

Your fantasy will disappoint her, there's no kink to you, you're plain and boring.

"I don't have some extravagant fantasy you know? Just accepting your touch is all I dream about. I guess overall I just fantasize about being normal." I admitted shamefully, she giggled making me feel even more ashamed even though the sound she made was the sweetest cushion to the low blow.

"Don't laugh at me Liv." I squirmed with awkwardness.

"I'm sorry." She replied sincerely.

I thought about this decision like it was Sophie's Choice. I wanted to try, of course I did but still something was holding me back. I needed to carefully think about this, decide if I'm strong enough to push through.

"What if I ask you to do something that you don't want to do?" I asked, making sure she would tell me if I went too far.

"I won't do anything I am not comfortable with, you are just gonna have to trust me."

"Okay." I said, closing my eyes again and taking a deep breath. "This is so embarrassing, I can't believe I am doing this."

"I need you to keep your mind focused on the fantasy, just as if you were alone. Play it out in your mind, imagine it. Don't let anything else corrupt your thoughts. Whenever you tell me you're ready I will touch you. When you want me to stop I will stop."

I sat up and pulled off my t.shirt, dropping it to the floor. I needed to commit fully to this. If I ever wanted to get past the mental block of intimacy then I had to give myself over to her completely. I lay back down with a racing heart, ready to let her hands and mouth go exploring.

Please let this work.