requested by : trappaxnunu
[WARNING]
Inappropriate language
Mentions of suicide, and harming oneself
~~~
Shameful eyes starred at themselves in the mirror. A man in his twenties stood in front with no emotion shown in his face, but his eyes says it all: "I'm suffering," it's what it says.
He doesn't like what he is right now. He never liked himself from the start anyways. All he could see through himself are flaws and mistakes that made him feel useless and unwanted.
"San?" A voice called from behind the bathroom door, where he is hiding. "Are you okay?" The voice asks again. He knew who that was. It was the voice of the only man that could make him feel wanted for a while.
"I'm fine. I'll be out in a minute." He said, which was replied with a hum from the other. "Okay, I'll be downstairs." San smiled weakly but the other wouldn't see how unhappy it was. He starred back at his reflection on the mirror. Somehow, he felt like he wasn't enough. Not enough for the man waiting for him downstairs and that made him sick.
"What if he'll leave me?"
He kept asking that since this morning when he woke up to an empty space beside him. He thought that the other had already found him disgusting and decided to leave him. But turns out, his lovely boyfriend was just making him breakfast, and decided not to wake him up yet because he finds San cute when sleeping.
"San?" The voice once again asked behind the door. "You've been inside for almost half an hour now. Are you sure you're okay?" San comes back to his senses and looked at the time on his watch. He had been inside for too long, so he had to come out before he gets his boyfriend worried.
He looked at himself once more, before opening the door, to be greeted by a worried face of the love of his life.
"What were you doing in there?" The other asked as he eyed San from head to toe. San just smiled at his boyfriends gesture. "Nothing," he replies.
"Okay. Come on, let's eat." San only hummed as he followed the other man downstairs to the dinning area.
Their place was not that huge but also not that small. It's actually a little big for the two males to live in, but still, they liked it. It gave them a huge space to do their own thing. The man lead San to the table and helped him sit on a chair, before setting up their lunch. "The food's getting cold. Should I heat them up again for you?" The other asked but San only refused as he didn't want the other to bother anymore. "It's okay. We can still eat it." He smiled which was returned by the other male.
They both ate in silence before a thought came into the man's mind. "San." He called the older who sat in front of him. San looked up from his food and starred at the man's loving eyes gazing at him. "I love you." San still looked at him, not even daring to stop their eye contact. "I love you too, Woo." He said with a tone that says how much the other really meant to him.
Jung Wooyoung. The name of his lover. The name of the man in front of him that is the source of his happiness, the only light in his dark world.
~~~~
San was back at it again. Facing the mirror and judging out his appearance.
He never liked himself, so he doesn't understand why people would say he's 'gorgeous'. He isn't. He's flawed and useless. He's nothing but a worthless being.
He wondered how long Wooyoung would stay with him.
'He'll probably get tired of me sooner. He'll realize that I'm nothing and he'll leave me.' San's mind was in chaos. He kept thinking of those things, like, how Wooyoung would break up with him, or cheat on him with someone more beautiful (if he even considered himself beautiful). Someone much worthy of Wooyoung's love.
He reached out on his pocket. A shiny metal. He carefully brought it with him inside the bathroom - in case Wooyoung sees him and asked about it. He didn't want him to know, the things that he had been doing inside. He didn't want Wooyoung to worry, or either, be disgusted of him.
He placed the metal blade on his wrist - where more old and fresh cuts were laid - and started to cut himself. Just once is enough, but it got to be a long cut. He didn't want to bleed for long in front of Wooyoung.
After he was done with his session, he cleaned himself and the place, making sure that no blood stain is left in the open for Wooyoung to see. He then changed his bloodied shirt to a long sleeved one. He wonders why Wooyoung never asked about why he always wear those sweatshirts and hoodies in the middle of summer.
'Could it be that he doesn't care about me anymore?' He wonders.
He placed his dirty shirt on the laundry basket, and mentally reminds himself to do the laundry later. He didn't want Wooyoung to see the mess he made.
After a while, he went in his bedroom, finding peace and silence that it's making him sleepy. He didn't bother looking for the other male as the activity he did earlier exhausted him. The fresh cuts on his wrist was still stinging but the pain gave him a peace of mind. He didn't even realize he fell asleep already, and that Wooyoung laid beside him, admiring his precious baby's face.
~~~~
Wooyoung saw his beloved on their shared bed, soundly asleep. He had realized that San had been lacking of sleep lately, but he didn't know why.
'Is something troubling him lately?' He thought.
He shrugged the thought off and just laid beside San. He missed him, really, he missed cuddling with him.
It's not like that they don't cuddle anymore, it's just that he felt like the warmth is not there anymore. It wasn't like before.
He had noticed something very off about San's behavior but he just thought of it that San's been stressing about work and their bills. But it still came up to his mind that there might be something else that bothered San. He didn't know what it is, but he was sure to find out soon.
But first, he needs to do some housework as San is still sleeping peacefully. He wanted to lessen San's house chores, so why not do the laundry? As he also remembers that they have no more clothes to wear.
He immediately stood up and retrieved the basket full of their dirty clothes. He also picked up the clothings that are messily laying on their bedroom floor. He went downstairs and do the laundry.
While putting in their clothes on the washing machine, he noticed one of San's shirt had blood stains in them.
It made him worried, as he kept thinking of scenarios why there's blood on his boyfriend's shirt.
'Did he got injured? Did he hurt himself? Is he alright?!' He kept worrying, so he disregarded his task and walked back upstairs to try and confront San. But after he saw his angel still in his deep sleep, he retreated back. He didn't want to ruin San's sleep, as he feared this would be his last time sleeping this peaceful.
~~~~
San woke up at near 7pm. He felt like he just slept for 10 minutes but it's already been hours. He sat up and then he saw Wooyoung, sitting on the floor while his head rested on the edge of the bed. His eyes were closed, means he is asleep. San also noticed a piece of clothing on Wooyoung's hands, and his eyes widened in shock.
'Wooyoung saw my bloodied shirt! Fuck!'
-Stay tuned for part two
