Sweater Weather - Karlnap (au)

5: On Melancholy Hill

Karl Jacobs

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Sapnap and I spoke every night up until now. Today is the first day back at school, the break went by way too quick. I ended up doing the same thing every day, so the break is just a blur to me. But now school is back and i've made the decision to block out any new feelings I have for Sapnap. I'm even giving his sweater back. I don't want to, every time I have it on I feel more comfortable, but every time I look at it i'm reminded of the day he gave it to me and all the other small kind things he's done for me since. I thought about him on New Years, he was at a party, a party I was invited to but didn't go to. He was with Harmony and their new group of friends, she posted a photo of him kissing her cheek then for days after it was all I could think about. I wished that it was me getting the kiss on New Years, not her.

But I can't have feelings for my best friend again. It's like a rule of friendship, don't fall for them. I'm not going to allow myself to fall for him, it'll just end with the both of us getting hurt like we were once before. He really likes Harmony, it's obvious, i'm not going to let my feelings for him interfere with his thing with Harmony. I want him to be happy. Sapnap being happy makes me happy, even if it means I have to watch him be happy with someone that isn't me.

I did go out with him and his new group of friends once, I only lasted an hour and a half with them. I'm sure they're cool people, they were just really overwhelming to be around. He wants me to be apart of the group so i'm not always at home, but I like being at home. I like being in my room with all of my things, I can listen to Mario Kart music and not get judged for it. Things with Julia hasn't gotten any better for him, so he's always away from home. But when he is home he's playing games with me. I feel bad for him, I can tell that Harmony is his distraction just like he is mine. 

"Mr. Jacobs, how nice of you to join" Mrs. Smith says loudly as I walk up to her and place the paper from the office on her desk. "It's the first day back Jacobs, why would you need to see Mr. Mavric already?"

"Because he asked" I reply before turning on my heel and making my way to my seat. I was sitting in his classroom with him because he didn't have a class, and he's close with my mum. I notice it's a bit too close, but he always reassures me that things at home aren't as bad as I think they are. I'm not stupid, I know that they're seeing each other and i'm fine with it. I can tell that Mr. Mavric is better for my mum then my dad is. I've known for a while, and he's aware that I know. We're all just waiting for the day my mum finally has the strength to leave.

Things like a family breaking is supposed to ruin the kid, but it hasn't. It used to bother me a lot, but I slowly learnt to stay out of it. What bothers me now is that I have to listen to my dad treat my mum terribly and I can't do anything about it. He ignores me, I don't exist to him unless he's angry at me. It may sound bad and ungrateful but I can't wait for the day they split. I know that i'm lucky still having both parents in my life, but i'd rather them split up then having to listen to them constantly argue and tear each other down every day. It's exhausting.

I sat with Mr. Mavric for majority of this class, so I wasn't in class long before the bell rang for lunch. I make my way to library where I find Sapnap in our usual spot, but surrounded by his new friends. I sit down next to him, Harmony sitting on the other side of him. I stay silent as I reach into my bag and grab the sweater to give back. I place it on the table without a word and he looks at it, the smile on his face faltering as he realises what it is. I look away from him, acting like I don't care. I see from the corner of my eye that he's upset, he's putting it in his bag and I feel my heart begin to crack. I wish it was easier, I wish I could tell him the truth.

"So Karl" I look up at Evan. "We're going out after school, you joining?" 

"Are you going?" I ask Sapnap and he nods his head. "I'm coming then".

Why did I decide to give him the sweater today, the one day i'm going out with him and his friends. I didn't think this through at all, and now i've just embarrassed myself. I look over at Harmony as she tells her story of Sapnap getting blind drunk at her party, but I notice her hand wrapped around his arm. Sapnap hasn't told me if they're official or not, he barely even talks about her with me anymore. If they were together I wouldn't even know, and i'm not going to assume they are or believe anyone else telling me they are until Sapnap tells me about it. 

"-He fell down my stairs then just started laughing, talking about some time him and Karl went camping and saw a deer" my head pops up and I look at Harmony who is giggling while going on with her story. I'm shocked he even remembers that camping weekend. When we held hands and watched the deer calmly eat an apple in front of us. Why was he even thinking about that trip?