Karl Jacobs
--
Things moved fast. Everyone moved on from it, but I haven't. I'm stuck in that bed watching the boy I love walk away from me. I can't recall what happened the moments after he left, I just remember waking up again but in my own bed. It's been a month and everyone is still cautious around me, acting like i'll break if they say something wrong. It's been a long month of nothing. I have no memory of September, I don't even think I existed. I can't tell if i'm back now, I just know i'm sitting across from Henry at school and i'm staring out into nothing.
One thing I have notice is that Lola and Percy have barely been around, I also haven't heard from Noah. Henry is with me almost every day now, I don't know when he found comfort in being friends with me but I haven't questioned it and I don't plan on asking. I'm okay with his company, we're very alike. We both enjoy silence, we both understand each other. I'm happy it's him with me and not Lola.
"Karl, your water bottle" Henry says and I look down to see my water leaking onto his papers. I quickly apologise as I clean it up. "I think it cracked" he points to the new crack at the bottom of the bottle.
"I'll be back" I sigh. I carry my bottle carefully in my arms to the bathrooms so I can empty it into the sink.
As I walk through the halls I spot Aaron sitting at his locker, staring up at the ceiling in the same way I do when i'm feeling troubled. I take a moment to stare at him before continuing to the bathroom. There's a lot about the party incident that I still don't understand, one of them being Aarons anger with me. I've just assumed that it was about Lola, and i'm beginning to believe that. There's no other reason that makes sense to me.
Anytime I let my brain wonder back to that night I remember holding Lola as she cried. Only seconds before Sapnap had all of my attention. The moment he appeared, nothing else mattered to me. When Aaron hit me I have no idea if I was still holding Lola. Did she fall down with me?
She's been distant with me, I know it. She'll never admit to avoiding me but I know her too well now. I believed for a moment that something had happened between her and Percy, so she was feeling guilty but from what i've heard through the gossip at my school Lola hasn't been seen with anyone recently. She's alone. I know deep down we're both feeling the same, we both feel lost without each other. I allowed myself to become use to her presence, something feels so wrong with her not being with me. I thought I completely lost myself when Sapnap walked out of Percys bedroom, but now i'm here with another piece missing and that piece is Lola.
--
"So you remember nothing?" Marianne questions, her eyebrows furrowed.
"No. I wasn't even talking to anyone when it happened" I play with the loose thread of my shirt. "It's all so blurry in my mind, like I blacked out mentally before I did physically".
Marianne writes something down on her notepad. She begins to talk about trauma responses, I listen to everything she says but nothing seems to match what happened to me.
"Karl" I look up at her. "Have you talked with Nick since?"
"No" I say softly.
"Good".
"Good?"
"It wouldn't be healthy" she pauses. "I know it's hard to hear and accept, but whatever is happening between the both of you isn't good for you. At the end of the day Karl, you need to look after yourself. You know this, i've drilled it into your head. I know you love him, I really believe you do, but there's no need to drag yourself through this sadness, living off the hope that he might love you back eventually".
Marianne has sad eyes. She's become dull. Not just in this session, but also the previous two. I see something in her now that i've never noticed before in her, something I recognise because I see it in myself when I look in the mirror. Weirdly, it makes me feel more connected to her. So connected that it's comforting.
"Can I talk about my dad?" her eyes go wide as I say it. She politely nods her head and waits for me to begin talking, when I do speak she listens carefully. And when I finish she just stares at me with her new sad eyes. Only they're holding more sadness now.
The session ended shortly after that. I didn't listen to much of what she said, I didn't open up to hear her advice. I opened up because I felt like it was the right time to. I feared that if I didn't say it all now then I never would, telling Marianne about it all now leaves me only to worry about everything else that is happening. I needed to remove my dad from my brain before everything became too much again. I can only hold in so much pain before I disappear again.
I count my steps on the pavement as I walk to Percys house. I didn't tell him that I planned to come over, but i'm sure he'll be okay with me being there. Henry had messaged me earlier saying that he was there today, and all I want to do is be with other people. I don't want to be alone right now. I don't want to just hang out with Henry, I want to make sure that Percy and Noah know that i'm not upset with them. I need them to know that i'm not avoiding them. In time I hope I can do the same for Lola.
I knock on the door and wait for someone to answer. I shuffle my feet around nervously until the door swings open, Noah is standing on the other side with a smile on his face. Noah is the kind of person that can just talk with his face, he never has to open his mouth, I just understand what he's saying. And right now he's telling me that he's happy i'm back.
----
HEYYY
how is everyone?? as usual give me allllll the updates
im literally between overwatch games right now posting this lololol
anyway
i need some music recs again...... ive literally just been listening to taylor swift and 5sos.....
also tv show recs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ily all very very much
im manifesting for you all to have the best days/nights EVER
YOU ARE READING
Sweater Weather - Karlnap (au)
Fanfiction"Karl" he says softly, making me turn to face him. "Do you ever feel different?" he asks, without looking at me. "Different in what way?" he turns to me, looking me in the eyes.
