Karl Jacobs
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It's been two weeks since the party. Everything has changed.
I can't remember much, nothing I do remember tells me why Lola has stopped talking to me. These past two weeks i've noticed how much Lola has already changed my life, with her around I barely notices how lonely I am when Sapnap isn't with me. I'm back to sitting alone at lunch and in the library for study periods. Everything is the same with Sapnap and Harmony, they're still together and both still talking to me. It's just Lola.
When I approached her the day after the party she told me she wasn't feeling well and walked off, i've messaged her multiple times and she's just left me on read every time. I saw her with Aaron yesterday so I began to assume that she was avoiding me because he told her to. I know that she will do anything he tells her to.
But now she's dropping her stuff in front of me and sitting next to me on the ground. I stay silent, waiting for her to say something but she says nothing.
"Hey?" It comes out as a question, but I didn't mean for it to.
"I'm ready to be friends again" she smiles but I just frown.
"What?"
"You told me to come back to you when i'm ready to keep being friends, so here I am" she pulls out crackers from her bag but I still stare at her, not understanding what she means.
"Why did we stop?"
"You don't remember?"
"Remember what?"
"The party!"
She begins talking about that night and everything rushes back to me at once. My hands on her hips, her crying, her breath on my face, her hands in my hair, our lips pressed together.
I pushed her off me. I ran away from her and began looking for Sapnap, but I just-
I found him in a room with Harmony.
They both didn't see me, but I saw them. I remember it all so clearly now. I was standing in the doorway for only a second but I remember every detail.
Lola found me later on, I was still upstairs sitting near the door probably waiting for them to leave that room. She pulled me up and we went back downstairs to the same couch we've been hanging around all night. She held me close as I cried, something I didn't do for her. She kept talking to me until I was ready.
"You know?" I sit up, suddenly realising what I told her that night.
Lola gives me a sad stare and that confirms that she does know everything.
I sat on that couch and came out to her, it was the first time I officially said that I am gay, and I was drunk. My whole life people just assumed I liked boys and I never corrected them, but I have never said the words 'I am bisexual' out loud to anyone before. But now I have and I don't even remember it clearly, I didn't even mean to say it.
But that's not the worst part. Lola knows all about Sapnap, she knows I have a crush on my best friend and she knows that I hate his girlfriend. A pit forms in my stomach as I look around the school, Lola just stares at me waiting for me to speak but I say nothing.
"I haven't told anyone" her hand rests on my knee. "I'm not planning on telling anyone either".
"Ok" I say, feeling breathless.
"Karl, it's okay" her hand moves up to my shoulder. "We can work together, we can break them up-"
"No!" I face her. "I can't break my best friend and his girlfriend up! He's so happy with her, Lola!"
"O-Okay" she stutters. "We will figure out something though" she gives me a smile. "I'm a mastermind".
"I don't want that" I shake my head. "This was all meant to stay as my secret, Lola. I was meant to crush on him in silence, in my own time and in my own head. I never planned on telling you or anyone else any of this".
"I know" she pauses, "but now I do know and i'm not going to let you stay sad because you can't have him. I'm not going to allow Harmony to get away with this".
I don't say anything. I'm aware we both hate Harmony for the same reasons, we both just want to be her because the people we like are in love with her. I suddenly realise why Lola and I get along so well, we're the same. We've both sat down at lunch and watched the people we like pine over a girl we could never be.
"I'm gonna go" I stand up.
I ignore her call for me as I walk away. I don't know where i'm going or what i'm doing, I just know that I can't be at school any longer, and I can't risk seeing Sapnap or Harmony.
--
I lay on my bed staring up at the dimly lit ceiling. As I left school I turned my phone off so i've had no distractions for the past five hours. All I have done is lay here thinking about everything I possibly could. Thinking about how much my life has changed recently, how much my life with Sapnap has changed. I guess a part of me always believed we would work out, not as boyfriends but just as friends. Not saying we're not friends now, I know we're friends but it's all so different. It's not just us anymore and I don't think it'll ever be just us again. I need to accept that, but how could I? I've allowed him to become my entire world, without him everything feels so wrong. I realise that my feelings for him have been around longer than I thought, I have so many memories of me just pining over him and I never noticed I liked him until I had competition.
When i'm like this I feel completely invisible again. Sometimes it feels like everyone is aware that i'm here but i'm just locked inside my own head with no key to get out. People just move on with their lives knowing i'm here but no one knows I need help. They just see me as a shell of a person, they don't see me. The only comfort I have when i'm like this is Sapnap, but I can't think of him right now. He's a big part of my problem, thinking of him is only making me feel worse. It's only making me feel even more lost in my own mind. My mind that is already occupied by thoughts of only him.
Recently i've been dreaming of him. He's always there and we're always together. The most recent dream was last night, we were at a random house and we didn't know anyone there. He held my hand and we were a couple, everyone knew about us. They all loved us. No one was shocked that we were together, no one didn't agree with us being together, they were all loving and supportive. I woke up missing that world. As my eyes opened this morning I knew I had been dreaming because I know no one in our lives would be that supportive or okay with us being together.
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HELLO LOVELIES
how is everyone going?? update me on everything happening pleaseeeeeeeeeee
is everyone still enjoying sweater weather?? pls give me all your honesty i NEED it
as always pls leave song requests!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im slowly working them into chapters hehe
and for the big part
NEW COVER!!!!!!!!!!!!
its nothing to dramatic or different but i think it suits the story much better now!!!!
ily all always
ill be back with more soooooooooooooooooooon
YOU ARE READING
Sweater Weather - Karlnap (au)
Fanfiction"Karl" he says softly, making me turn to face him. "Do you ever feel different?" he asks, without looking at me. "Different in what way?" he turns to me, looking me in the eyes.
