stigma | minsung

101

jisung sat in the hospital room in silence with his mother. the only thing to be heard was the steady beeps of the heart monitor that indicated his father was still alive, scientifically speaking anyway.

when it really comes down to it though, jisungs father was already gone. no conscious form of him left.

he no longer had a lively glow, and his skin felt like ice. it didn't help that the hospital kept it so cold in that room.

jisung tried to keep his tears in his eyes, but they filled up too much and would eventually trickle down his cheeks slowly and fall onto his lap.

"i'll give you a moment alone with him." jisungs mother said before she abruptly stood up and ran out of the room.

jisung knew she was doing that less for him, and more so jisung didn't see her cry.

his mother was a lot like him, she liked to be strong. she saw herself as weak if others knew how she was feeling. maybe that's where jisung learned to lock up his feelings from.

jisung then looked over at his fathers lifeless face, tubes coming out of his mouth, making him seem more scary than comforting.

jisungs father used to be the person jisung would go to for emotional support, so for him to now be afraid of the way his father looks, it hurts him a bit.

jisung tried to ignore the tubes and just focus on the final words he wanted to say. he cleared his throat and gripped onto his fathers cold hand.

"im not really sure how to say this," jisung started, "but i guess i should start with im sorry dad. i'm sorry i wasn't here. i'm sorry it took me so long to come.

there's no excuses for it, and had i come sooner maybe id be speaking to the real you instead of a shell of who you used to be...

sorry, the lyricist in me just came out. you always said you loved the songs i wrote. maybe i can write one for you and you can watch over me and make sure i do it perfectly!" jisung tried his best not to cry, but in a moment like that, it was almost impossible not to.

"i met a boy dad, his name is lee minho. his parents run sm entertainment, but he works for jyp just like me.

i love him, but you know that saying if you love something, set it free? i think i might have to do that.

i wish you were here to tell me what's the right thing to do. you were always the more sensible one out of you and mom.

the thing is, you're the reason i'm setting him free technically. i know mom is going to take this in the worst possible way... i need to be there for her in all the ways i wasn't there for you.

again, im so sorry i wasn't here dad. i'm so so sorry." jisung collapsed and broke down into tears, sobbing into his fathers hand which he was gripping onto tightly.

"im sorry," jisung kept repeating over and over again, feeling completely overcome by guilt.

jisung wanted to be with minho, more than anything, but forcing him to work out a long distance relationship when he didn't know if or when he'd return to korea wasnt very fair.

jisung had to be there for his mother. he had to stay in malaysia.

jisung looked over at his phone and he saw his lock screen that was a picture of him and minho. a few more tears ran down his cheeks.

"do you think he will leave me if i tell him i have to stay here to take care of mom? i hope he doesn't... but i cant ask him to wait for me either.  right dad?" jisung wished his father could respond, he was always the one jisung turned to in a time of need.

"anyway... this isn't meant to be about me. this is about you. i love you dad, and the last thing i ever want to do is say goodbye to you... especially like this... but i know i have to." jisung rose to his feet and leaned over across his father.

he wrapped his father up in a hug, one he knew wouldn't be returned. jisung just hoped his father was somewhere locked inside that body still and could feel the warmth and love radiate off of himself.

"goodbye dad, i love you."

a.n.

maybe this sucks and makes no sense

i don't know