𝙳𝚎𝚊𝚛, 𝙻𝚊𝚠𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎

𝙳𝚎𝚊𝚛, 𝙻𝚊𝚠𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎 ; 𝟷𝟺 ; 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚎𝚍𝚐𝚎

𝙳𝚎𝚊𝚛, 𝙻𝚊𝚠𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎 ; 𝟷𝟺 ; 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚎𝚍𝚐𝚎

Dear, Lawrence                                   December 2, 1889

I cannot seem to stay asleep, so I guess I'll be writing to you at four in the morning. Though I love dawn I wish I could spend it with you, but I'm afraid I've ruined that opportunity for myself. Every time I see you I debate whether or not to kiss you, and every time kissing wins, I get too nervous to stay afterwards in fear of how you'll react or what you'll say. But this time you kissed me back, Renny.. my Renny.

I know I'm immature, running from my problems quite literally, but I'm scared of what you'll say. Especially now that I know that you stopped liking me because of the pain I caused you. It hurts my soul to think about it...

I just wish that I knew a little earlier how I felt. I could've saved us so much. And maybe you would've liked me back.

I just don't know what's wrong with me that I have to like you and have to like you now. I wish I didn't love you but also I love it at the same time. I love looking at you and seeing you and talking to you. I get jealous whenever I see you with another guy. Especially so now that I know you like a guy other than koremen... I got angry just with you looking at Winsley and I feel sick to my stomach about it. I feel like I'm broken...

I'll figure it out.

Love, Tate.

𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸

I woke up to a pounding on the door and sigh, "Goddamnit Lawrence! Why'd you block the door!! You haven't done that since you were little what're you doing in there!?"

I groan, "I was tired and wanted to fall asleep in silence for once... I've had a weird day."

"Ugh... well," Mama starts as I move the thing from blocking the door.

Tate's trench coat was still on my bed, a little wet from melted snow.

It was warm... I used it as a blanket.

I open the door and she smiles at me, undoing my hair from a bun and smiling, "Brush this out and then come downstairs, we're having dinner with Mr Tillings again. He's supposed to not have much time left..."

"Oh dear..." I mumble, partly in distress over Mr. Tillings but also loathing the fact that I have to go downstairs and face Tate again after not only did he kiss me... but I kissed him back.

It's embarrassing...

I've never done anything with a guy.. I mean he doesn't really either but..

I've never done this before, and oh god does it feel utterly shameful to do. "Well..."I mumble, grabbing a hairbrush and scraping it through my hair before I start walking down the stairs. I hope it's okay I'm still in my work clothes..."

I didn't have much notice of this dinner so I couldnt really change.

"Fine just come down!!" She whisper-yells, going down the stairs in a rush. I sigh. He's seen me in worse clothes of course... but I wanted to look my best... I wanted him to regret running....

Cause I kissed him back!! It's not just him anymore...

As I walk down the stairs, I hear talking from the dining room. Tate's voice rings happily as he responds to his father. His father seemed happy, calmer than before.

I think he wants to be with his wife again.

"Well I've been playing since I was young, dad-"

"Oh don't act like you're not still young and pristine boy! You age with dignity and not without pride!" I hear them speak from the stairs as I round the corner with my mom.