𝙳𝚎𝚊𝚛, 𝙻𝚊𝚠𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎

𝙳𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝙻𝚊𝚠𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎 ; 𝟸 ; 𝚂𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚊𝚕

𝙳𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝙻𝚊𝚠𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎 ; 𝟸 ; 𝚂𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚊𝚕

Dear, Lawrence November 19, 1887

I'm home today, four days before your birthday. I know that it's weird that I'm still writing to you, but it seems that now I'm in the habit of writing to you. I doubt I'll ever send you these letters, ones with no reason. However, the control and comfort of writing them brings me joy. The idea that I'm sharing everything about myself to you.
I don't show my feelings very often, I'm not allowed, but I can when I write to you. Avery and Presley will listen, but you deal with the emotional stuff better than Avery, and Presley is caught up with her nursing stuff. I guess I'm convincing myself it's okay to write to you, that I'm not being outrageous.
Well I have something to tell you tonight, something regarding Presley. She seems to be interested in me in the least amount possible, of course she's close to me but not close enough to want to marry me. When she's ready to marry, she's supposed to propose the idea to me, we've spoke about it before, but she isn't proposing the idea. She and I are twenty two now, and you will be twenty one in four days. We must at least confirm a relationship soon enough... but she won't say anything to me regarding it.
I know she wants to marry me, but I guess she's just not ready during this time. It's slightly frustrating but not enough to tempt me to anger.
     I just don't know what to do. Neither of us really want this, but we have to.
     I saw the look she gave me when I came home, one of anxiety and regret while yours was happy and excited.
     I know you, Lavender. Even if we haven't talked much, I know you. I know you feel something towards me, and your excitement is just that of a school girl crush. You've always had one. I just, I can't even begin to think of you in that way. Not out of lack of desire, simply out of lack of ability.
     It's just frustrating, that the only things I want are seeming impossible. I want presley, and for you to be my friend.
     Yet, ever since I started writing these letters, when I think of you my heart flutters. I can't talk to you, I can't be near you without smiling and my heart pounding. And with her, marriage seems so far away it's impossible.
     I don't know what to do, especially when all I could think of you before this trip was how you were just a little girl. Now, you're a woman, one I admire deeply. You're my woman.
     My world is flipping around. I think I just need to think about before, about how you're just a little lavender, you have a childish crush, and a beautiful smile.
     In the hopes I'll feel better about the matter soon,
     Tate.

𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸𝙸

     I sit in my bed, staring into nothing with my night dress on and my legs to my chest. A knock comes in on the door, and soon enough Tate walks in in his sleep wear with an unbuttoned white undershirt on top of his bare chest. His chest was red, and he instinctively scratches his chest as he walks in. It's something he does out of habit, I'm not sure why.
He walks over and sits on my bed, "Lavender..." he greets as I light a match and set the candle aflame.
   "Tate..." I mumble, slowly grabbing his hand with my left hand.
I look him in his eyes, his face barely illuminated in orange from the fire but just enough that I can see him. I drag my right hand along his cheek, tears surfacing to my eyes.
"I missed you so much Tatum, I can show you how much now that Avery won't give me the stink eye and Presley won't judge me for my closeness to a member of the opposite sex....."
"I've missed you too, Darling. That's why I was hoping we could go on a walk tonight, so I can talk to you. No need to change, just around the field, maybe I'll take you to the rail road? I know you love them."
I sniff a little, nodding and looking down at my lap. "It's just... I've known you for so long and having not seen you for two months really messed with me. I... I wasn't happy these last few months, Tate.."
I debate on telling him why. Telling him that I feel as though everybody sees me as a disappointment no matter how hard I try, but I keep my mouth shut for a minute too long and he begins his tangent.
"Oh my... I'm so sorry, Darling. You must know you mean so much to me, and that despite me being so close with the rest of your family and being the closest to Avery, you're still very dear to me. I don't know every detail inside of your brain, the most I've ever done is talk with you randomly to make you laugh or to try to practice talking to a girl for once... But I do wish to talk to you more soon enough, we could be close. And I've wanted to tell you this, but I truly want to marry Presley one day and maybe you could help me? Of course I'd owe you an arm and a leg but I do want to... I want to be with her and she's showing no interest and you know her better than anybody else!"