hating me for loving you {h.s}

Chapter 19.

A/N:

TW/Mentions of heavy suicide, I'm sorry for the tears that may shed.

If you struggle with this, I'm here for you and you have people around you in the same boat. You're not alone, reach out for help. I love you.

*PHOEBE'S POV*

  Did last night even happen? I don't think I've ever felt this pleased or relaxed in so long...

  I feel happy.

  That's such a weird thing to feel right now, or ever, to be honest. Happiness is a flickered feeling, like a light switch. When you were a kid and kept flipping it on and off, making your eyes go from 20/20 vision, to pure blurriness in milliseconds.

  That's what happiness feels like. It's sad, but it's a sad truth. I had to let it sink in eventually, and when you allow it to flow in, it's never gonna fully flow out.

  It's sunken into the depths of your soul, just like music, each genre leaving you a different feeling and experience.

  And today's a feeling I haven't felt in a long time, I hope Harry's happy too.

  I know we still have things to talk about, which I can already feel the happiness drift away just thinking about it, but I learned avoiding it is just as worse for anyone. The numbness and simplicity of it all won't ever fully go away, it's never gonna be easy or simple.

But that's how life goes, it's a fat ass roller coaster of uneasy emotions and feelings, and you have to learn to play tag with it.

  And suddenly, when it tags you, nothing else matters.

  Harry's what tagged me, his arm reached out far enough to tap me, his loving soul craving into mine, but it's always not enough, and that's okay.

  He's saved me, that's for damn sure.

  I just need him to know that, I need to let him know, just so he can have some happiness too.

  Life isn't the butterflies or rainbows all the time, it's more like caterpillars and clouds covering the sun, letting it peak out a little, just for a taste of red or orange. Most days, in this life of mine and who I share it with, I'm grateful if there's ever a peak of yellow stripes in there.

  But today, it feels like all the stripes, all the colors and all the rainbows. Until the rain washes in, turning the stripes grey, leaving me with soggy grass and wet feet.

  Still, I'm thankful for it.

  "Good morning..." Harry shocked me out of my sleepy thoughts, which I thought I had my eyes closed, but in reality, I had a soft smile plastered on my face and my eyes halfway open.

  "Hi... how'd you sleep?" I put my hand under my ear, kind of like my head's own little pillow.

  "Very well..." He brushed his hand over to my uncovered ear, traveling his fingertip along with a strand of my hair, tucking it into place, just how he wanted it. "How'd you sleep, love?"

"The best ever..." I exhaled a breath, laughing softly as Harry just sat there, admiring my features and examining every line and detail. I love when he does this, it makes me feel seen. "What?"

  Even the way he looks at me, there's absolutely no way he's not falling in love with me too. We've both expressed it, but not in that way. We'd be blind to not fall in love the minute we got the chance.

  "I really really wanna kiss you, P..." He ran the pad of his thumb over my bottom lip softly, caressing it as if it was the most fragile piece of glass that exists.