ᴜɴᴅᴏɴᴇ | ᴅ.ᴍ

𝐓𝐖𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐘-𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑

'JUST get over it' or 'Move on' are words I've constantly heard from people say to others who are suffering from something in their life, deep-rooted trauma, something that has impacted them more in a way they would ever think would impact anyone. Trauma impacts everyone completely differently, just because you reacted differently to something doesn't mean someone else will react the same way or heal the same way. Every person has their own mind, their own fair share of experiences, their own thoughts, every pair of eyes have seen life differently.

Sometimes you suffer from the same trauma you thought was healed, the past has a weird way of coming back and sticking its leg where it doesn't belong. It's like a constant reminder in your head that you'll forever have fear holding you back from doing certain things, taking that opportunity, just living in general. Sometimes it causes you not to love someone properly because you're scared, you're terrified, you're shaking internally from what could possibly happen.

Almost all women have experienced sexual assault, it's sad to hear this, but it is the truth. Women experience sexual assault, rape, catcalling, and many more things every single day. Women live in fear almost every day, not being able to do things because of this. I was one of them, I hated being part of such a thing, I was disgusted, but I couldn't decide if it was from what happened or me. It was a constant battle between myself and my mind, constantly feeling guilty, ashamed, weak, fearing if it would happen again. Distancing yourself from everyone constantly, not being able to enjoy things you're used to, your mind is completely somewhere else than your body, it's like I don't know who I am anymore, I'm here but not really.

When it happened the first time, my brain had completely blocked out the memory due to the immense stress my body had taken, and I don't blame it, I was only seven. It wasn't only once but multiple times, but I chose to fight it and came out of it. Sometimes I blame myself for being stupid, but sometimes I blame the universe for the rivalry we've had since birth. When it happened again in my fifth year, I couldn't feel any part of my body, it's like I had gone completely numb, I was fighting back, my nails scratching against his neck, legs kicking, my mind completely blurry as tears painted my face.

I remember it vividly, and it's a constant reminder in my head every time I come in contact with the species of men, something holding me back, something telling me to run the other way and never come back. It's been six months ever since that party, I still remember the flickering lights, loud music blasting, plastic cups filled with alcohol, sweaty bodies dancing amongst each other, all of it.

Sometimes I tried to pucker up the courage and tell Amelia about it or Bonnie, in the hopes of asking them to Obliviate me, so I don't remember the agony, the pain, the numbness. I want to forget all of it, each and every detail, but then I tell myself I can't, it's something that I want to remember, so I know for the future, for any other circumstance I'm faced with. I can't let it happen again, I won't. I don't want it to happen again.

Trust issues, abandonment issues, all types of issues constantly circling my mind as I'm overthinking every single detail, every single comment, every single talk, action, feelings, emotions, all of it. I don't like pity, I don't like being pitied for the wrongs that have happened in my life, it's not something I find comfortable, it's more annoying that you cannot share something without someone giving you those puppy dog eyes and saying 'But it made you stronger' I didn't want to be strong, I wanted to be happy and safe.