He stared at me for a minute longer, tilting his head to the side as he watched me.
For the first time I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted him to lean in and press his lips against mine, to touch me and completely devour me right here, on this damn d...
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"I need to sleep like now," Bonnie muttered as she practically shoved her head into her arms that were folded, so she could use them as a pillow. "Sleep, sleep, sleep, is all I can think of right now."
"I don't think you talk about anything but sleeping Bonnie," Blaise muttered from across the breakfast table as she looked up at him, narrowing her eyes at him as he made a face at her. "You're irritated with everything anyone does, Blaise."
"I'll agree on that," I whispered as I stifled a laugh by putting a strawberry in my mouth. Blaise tilted his head as he looked at me, pointing a fork at the both of us. "At least I don't make sleeping my personality."
"At least I have a personality," Bonnie spoke, as he glared at her, she put her head back down—ignoring everything that he said after to her.
"At least I don't cheat on card games," he pointed his eyes at me as I gasped. "I told you I didn't cheat, I don't lie, at least I don't make pointing fingers at people my personality Blaise," I arched my brow as I gave him a look.
"For a reminder that you all so desperately need, I have an amazing personality, you wouldn't be having your daily laughs without me, and I bake," he bragged as Amelia hid her laugh, hiding her face in the Daily Prophet she was holding. "Unlike Evelyn, at least I can make good tea."
"Hey don't put this on me, Bonnie started this with you—I just happened to be the audience coincidentally, also I don't care for such things as making tea," I argued as he rolled his eyes, looking down at his pancakes, he picked up the small jar of honey as he poured it onto his breakfast. "I find it weirdly fascinating that Malfoy can make tea, but you cannot."
My eyes looked around as I saw him having a conversation with Theodore—deeply invested in what they were talking about as he brought up his thumb, wiping the corner of his mouth, turning his gaze to me as my throat tightened. Theodore's gaze flickered back and forth from stroking the back of Bonnie's neck as he looked back at Malfoy, showing his emotions by his hands.
I pulled myself together as I looked back at Blaise who was poking his berries at putting it in his mouth—concentrating on his notes as he read them. I looked back down at my plate as I had only eaten a blueberry scone with hot cocoa on the side.
"Everything alright?" Amelia asked as I looked up to meet her gaze. 'Everything alright?' Is always a question I never have a proper answer to, because honestly, I don't know what to say, I'm truly not alright but if I say that to another, they'd ask me why, and I wouldn't feel the need to explain why when I can't even understand it myself.
"Yeah everything's fine," I replied as I brought the cup to my lips, taking a sip—as the liquid slightly burned on my tongue, but I liked the pain—the burn. "It doesn't look like it," Amelia talked back as she folded the Daily Prophet and placed it next to her, crossing her arms as she faced me.
"I'm just tired." There were a bunch of thoughts circling my mind and all I could do was overthink them till I found an answer that satisfied me, satisfied my thoughts, my needs, my peace of mind. Sometimes I just sit there and zone out completely, nothing feels real. I don't feel real, everything begins to feel like a fever dream, completely unrealistic, how billions of us live on this earth so unaware of things that are happening currently. So unaware of other perceptions, ideas, perspectives, lives, memories, so unaware of what it feels like for them.
"That's what any person is when they aren't fine." She dipped her head slightly down to meet my gaze as I rested my chin on the fist of my hand. "I feel like Bonnie right now, sleepy."
"So both of you have personalities that mostly represent sleeping?" She joked as I hid my smile, looking in the other direction as my eyes wandered at Harry and Ron, sitting at the Gryffindor table, smiling for once. "I don't have a sleeping personality, I'm just—I just have a lot on my mind and I can't seem to sort it out and file it into different categories, they all seem to be clashing into this big file, and it's taking up too much space and I feel like my mind is going to explode—I'm going to explode."
"Breathe." That is all she said as I did.
"I'm just worried for the dance next week, and all we're left with is the last two practices and McLaggen is being a dickhead currently so dealing with that is highly annoying and just in general," I tried to let it out without saying too much—I'm terrified that if I actually say my true feelings, the other person might run away.
"Well no worries about that, we literally have practice after breakfast, so it'll be all okay, you need to take a minute and just meditate, just take a deep breath in," as she did, and I did what she did, "and exhale," she breathed out as I did too. "Better?"
"Much better," I lied. What does breathing have to do with the fact that I still can't solve the calculations in my head, if breathing solved problems, half the world would be at peace right now?
"You want some waffles?" Blaise asked as he handed me the plate full of them—I looked at them, and it reminded me of everything I did not want to think of. "No, thank you," I spoke.
"No? Waffles are literally your most prized possession in the world," he loudly gestured as a particular head turned to look my way. Waffles reminded me of him, and I hated him, so now I hate waffles, simple enough for my head right now.
"Just not in the mood anymore, I've grown to dislike it, I guess," I mumbled, wiping my mouth with a napkin—indicating I'm done eating.
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I never understood when my mother used the phrase or anyone, in general, said 'It made you tough' because all it did was keep from reaching and captivating new opportunities for my life, to take a step further and grow properly. Sometimes trauma takes you and pushes you to the ground and not only that, it takes you and pins you there against the hard ground till you decide to get up.
But how can one evolve and flourish when all the surroundings do is pin you back down?
It isn't as easy to one day get out of bed, change into a new set of clothes, wash your face with cold water and pretend that everything is okay and the trauma you've endured hasn't completely crumbled you from the inside until the broken pieces of glass and the sharp edges keep poking you over and over and over again, and then you're bleeding.
But you can't do anything about the bleeding, can you? Do substance abuse? Alcohol? Drugs? Numbing the pain away with a bottle of pills? Doing random hookups every single night because that's the only thing that allows you to divert yourself from reality.
