A Court Of Frozen Shadows- Azriel X Reader

42 You and I

My reflection wore the deepest royal blue dress, it looked to be black, golden ember stitching decorated the neckline, matching the tip of the lace thigh wrap which held my dagger. The dress had a plunging neckline, the sleeves were a translucent lace, the silk material hugging my curves tight. My face was bare, I wore no make-up, my hair was down, however, minutes ago, I had braided a flower crown into my hair, golden petals intertwining in my hair. Amren had given me this dress, she had spoken it was made for me. It was.

I continued to look at the person in my reflection, the woman with tears falling down her face, the salty drops falling into the sink beneath her. She clung to the sink tight, her soft lips pressed together, my eyelashes wet, loud cries bubbling in her throat, burning her core, vines had covered the sides of the mirror, the woman in the reflection couldn't control them, she couldn't control her emotions. The orange vial lay empty on the floor.

I let my cries fill the empty house, the inner circle had left for Morrigan's party an hour ago, I had dismissed it. "I forgive you," I gritted through my teeth, painful acid building up in my throat. It hurt to say the 3 words, physically and emotionally. Everything came back to me, in small pieces after drinking the vial. Slowly, I relived the pain of running from the institute, the pain I felt from revisiting him, the sadness and hunger I felt over the past few weeks. All of the pain and anguish, jealousy, I relived it a second time. It was agony, I spent hours in a trance, just screaming until my throat was raw, crying with agony.

Reliving these past few weeks has made me realise I am not at peace with myself, I fight a war inside of my brain daily. It took me not being able to control my body, to be a passenger along for the ride. I was no longer a writer, but a reader of my life story.

I understood all of the stupid decisions I had made over these past weeks, I understand the pain I've brought upon myself because of the way I ran from Balton's chamber. Alone. I could have brought more people, but I was selfish, and I've been unknowingly punishing myself for it daily, not letting myself be with Azriel, not letting myself feel with him. Though I've only hurt him in the process. Guilt and anger crash into me in waves, I grip the sink tighter.

"I forgive you for being cowardly," I told my reflection, "I forgive you for living when others were killed. I forgive you for running away at the first sign of danger. I forgive you for being petty and taking your own hate on Elain." My sobs echoed around the house, my fingernails broke under the vast amount of pressure I was placing on them, trying to dig them into the sink.

I am breaking and I'm not sure anyone cares enough about me to put back the pieces.

"I forgive myself!" I shouted, my entire face crumbling, my body was numb, my entire body shaking, the vines grew thicker around the mirror, nearly covering my entire reflection. "I forgive myself for letting my father hit me. I forgive myself for letting Balton use me!" The words caught in my throat, I doubled over as if someone had punched me. It hurt so bad, hating myself for 60 years, despising everything I did.

It hurt to finally tell myself it's alright. It hurt. It hurt so damn bad.

"I forgive myself," My hands slipped from the sink, I fell to the ground, falling onto the cold, hard tiled floor. I hit rock bottom.

But the shadows caught me.

Those Frozen Shadows.

His arms curled around my waist, he sat on the cold, dirty tiled floor with me, he listened to my cries, my screams, he held me until my shaking ceased. The wings cocooned me, my head placed onto his heart, the steady rhythm bringing me back to the present. He held me until I was ready, he waited for me, he understood me, he held me, he comforted me, he protected me.