My Neighbor's Friend

The Ackermans... Once Again

"Have you eaten anything?"

"..."

"Eren?"

"..."

"You haven't, have you?" I shake my head in frustration. "This won't do brat. You gotta eat." I proceed to get up. "Wait here. I'll go get something for you."

His response is a protesting whimper and a tighter hold around me.

I sigh. "Then would you come downstairs with me?"

And of course, he shakes his head. I'm about to give him a piece of my mind when I hear him mumble something incoherently.

"Can't hear you like that, you know", I quietly reply in his ear.

The following hitch in his breath makes me smile. But then, it vanishes as soon as I hear his reply. Loud and clear, two simple words.

"Can't eat."

"Huh?!"

He remains silent, lips pressed together tightly. A sign of not wanting to answer. Well, I'm having none of that.

"What do you mean you can't eat?" my voice is probably louder than usual, if his resulting flinch is anything to go by. "Eren", I call his name, lowering my voice to a softer tone, and wait.

At first, he simple stays quiet, perhaps thinking I have more to say. But when I don't speak for a long while, he finally looks up, those bright aquamarine eyes staring at me with curiosity and pure innocence.

"Tell me?" I whisper.

He looks down, and for a moment I'm thinking "Okay... he's probably not gonna tell me like this", and trying to think of other ways. But then, he starts speaking.

"It comes back up, whatever I eat", he sighs. "Mikasa tried to make me eat breakfast in the morning, but I threw up everything as soon as I ate."

"So you skipped lunch, because you're afraid you'll throw up again?"

He nods. "That, and also because I don't feel like eating."

I watch him with sad eyes. It's not like I don't get what he means. In fact, I totally understand it. When I lost Petra, I had to suffer from the same situation. I lost my appetite. Sleep became a rare thing. Days after days would pass with me sitting in front of her picture. I was losing weight so fast that people around me got anxious. It was as if I'd lost the will to live. They told me to grab a hold of myself, to move on. Like that's a walk in the park!

What got me out of my slump was the realization of what my irresponsible lifestyle was doing to Izzy. I still remember that day. She got sick. Her fever just wouldn't go down. It got so bad that I had to call in the doctor. When he saw her state, his first words were – "Are you trying to kill her?" It makes me cringe to remember how much of a sorry state she must have been in for him to say something so harsh. Her clothes were barely clean. She was malnourished. An on top of that, I'd been giving her baths using cold water. It was a miracle that she'd survived so long.

That was my wake up call. I realized I was not just responsible for myself anymore, the life that I'd brought in this world – she was my responsibility too. I hated myself for what I did, for what I put her through. What I was doing to her was no better than what my father had done to me. And that's something I absolutely couldn't allow – becoming like my father.

So I promised myself. I promised that I would stop wallowing in sadness. That I would stop being a pathetic shit and get my sorry ass off the floor. I would become a better father, a better human being. I promised to get myself out of the mess I'd turned my life into and live! For myself, for my daughter... and for Petra.