My Neighbor's Friend

A Choice of No Regret

~~Eren Jaeger~~

'Text' options should be removed from cellphones, you know? Then no one would waste hours on their phone. No one would have to torment themselves for weeks trying to decide whether they should text a certain someone or not. And no one definitely would have to be disappointed when their phone beeps with a new incoming text and they rush towards it only to find out that all they've got are spams or stupid pranks from Connie and Sasha. And if luck decides to fuck with them on that particular day, weird health tips from Reiner.

Yes, I'm talking about myself. And yes, my phone has just received a new text and I'm lying on my bed, debating whether or not it'll be worth it to reach out for it.

But I skipped class today (I'm praying Mika won't tell mom!) and Armin is supposed to let me know if there's a shitstorm waiting for me tomorrow in Shadis's class. So, there's a chance it could be from him.

As for why I skipped, there's no particular reason actually. I just wanted to be alone. So instead of going to school, I took a detour and walked to the beach. It was still early in the morning, so the beach was mostly empty. And the few people that were there didn't seem to bother with me. So, I dropped my backpack on the sand, took off my shoes, folded my jeans and started walking aimlessly. The feel of salty water lapping at my feet felt soothing, and once again I tried to clear my mind of all thoughts. I've been doing that for a while now. Armin's grandpa said it helps to reorganize your thoughts and focus on what's important. Me, I'm just doing it because there are certain things I'd rather not think about.

I tried to concentrate on the feel of water, slowly walking ahead and letting my knees submerge. With closed eyes, I imagined letting go of all my thoughts – gathering soft white cloudlike thoughts in my palms and letting them drift away with the wave. Thoughts of pain, of regret. A father I couldn't say my goodbyes to. A love lost before I could even grasp.

Don't think.

Empty your mind.

Feel the wind. Feel the water.

I wish it was as easy as they made it sound. Or maybe I just couldn't do it. Maybe subconsciously, I wanted to dwell on these thoughts. Makes me sound like a masochist, doesn't it? The thing is – somewhere inside, I still regret fighting with dad and not saying sorry. I feel responsible for not seeing the possibility that it could be our very last conversation. And so, for me, forgetting the pain is not an option. It's a punishment I deserve.

Mom would be so angry if she hears me talking like this. The first time she heard me blaming myself, she was furious.

"The world is not on your palm Eren. You can't control every single thing. Don't fool yourself by thinking you have some superior power."

"I never said that!"

"Then stop carrying the burden of it!"

"..."

"Feeling responsible for something only matters when you have power over it. Sense of responsibility over something beyond your control – it's nothing but a waste."

"I know, alright? I know!"

But knowing wasn't enough. It couldn't change my thoughts. It couldn't wash away my feeling of regret.

Just like knowing the fact that Levi would never accept me wasn't enough to let go of my love.

Coming back to present, I still haven't decided whether to check the text or discard it. Judging by the situation, it's Armin giving me either good news or a really bad one. Either way, I should probably get it.