justifer

50. the aftermath

jens pov

i'm still in shock.
it's dark outside now.
everything is in slow motion as i stand by the front door, my hands clutching my jacket tighter around myself.
my eyes puffy and my face tight from dried tears.
the blue and red lights are reflecting off the trees, casting shadows across the floor.
out of the corner of my eye i see a car pull up.
the doors fly open and they all get out, running towards me.
my tribe.
everything seems slow.

"oh my god jen"
andrea gets to me first and almost tackles me with a hug.
then kristin and amanda.
and then courteney.
we're a huddle of girls who have stuck together through thick and thin.
i'm pulled out of the silence, and into the unfolding nightmare before me.
everything is now to its normal volume.
loud.
i can hear paramedics talking between themselves about justins condition.
"he's stable" i've been told. whatever that means.
i stand there, motionless.
my eyes are still unfocused but that's ok.
i don't want to see justin like that ever again.

3 nights later

"do you need a drink?"
he shakes his head, still staring out the window.

justins laying in the crisp white bedding of the hospital.
he was out of it for a day or so after they pumped his stomach and got him hydrated and on new medication.
jen has sat by his side the entire time.
she hasn't been home once.
she hasn't seen the kids or the dogs.
hasn't spoken to the girls since they dropped her off at the hospital after following the ambulance there.

she moves her chair closer to the bed and places her hand on his.
"can i get you anything?" she whispers.
justin again shakes his head and moves his hand away from hers.
jens eyes sting slightly with tears but she bites her lip and holds them in.

he hasn't spoken once.
he's barely looked at her.
he just wants to be alone.
he's embarrassed, sad, angry, disappointed.
pretty much every negative emotion possible.
this wasn't supposed to go like this.
instead he is lying in a hospital bed, his limbs feeling like lead.

the doctor assured jen this was normal and with time and the right treatment, he'll start to recover.

she grabbed his hand again, tightly this time and didn't let go.
for the first time all day he turned his head to look at her.
she was crying.

"we need to talk" she whispered, still biting her lip so hard blood was starting to appear.
"i'm sorry" he whispered. his first words to her in days.
"you don't need to be. i'm so sorry i didn't see the signs or help as best as i could. i'm sorry i left you alone for months whilst i worked" jen sobbed.
"it's not fair for you or the kids. you shouldn't be putting up with this..."
"no, we're here to support and love you baby"
justin closed his eyes and swallowed.
this was somehow harder than trying to overdose in the first place.
"i'm not gonna put you through this anymore" he choked out.
jen shook her head, finally realising what he meant.
"no" she whispered out, her breath catching in her throat.
justin nodded "we need to take a break"
"come on, we've come so far, we can do this" jen squeezed his hand.
but he just shook his head "i want to split up for a while"
jen looked down at her lap, tears streaming.
"it's not forever. just till i'm stable enough to be home and be the husband and father you and these kids deserve" justin took a shuddering breath.
"you should go"
jen looks up again, "please don't do this" she sobs.
he's silent as he turns his head and looks out of the window again.
she closes her eyes tightly, then wipes the tears away and stands up. she grabs her coat and lays it over her arm and picks up her purse.
"i'll wait forever if i need to" she whispers "i love you" she says so quietly justin barely hears her as she leans over and places her lips on his temple. she runs her hand through his hair one more time before pulling away completely and heads out the door.
and the silence falls again...