ᴜɴᴅᴏɴᴇ | ᴅ.ᴍ

𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐘-𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍

SLEEPING in the warm comfort of my bed, covered in thick comforters thrown all over me, not liking the suffocation of the heat as I draped my right leg over the comforters, trying to feel relaxed. My eyes flutter open slowly as the light strikes right upon my face like a blazing flashlight. My face squirmed as I rolled over to the opposite side of my bed, stretching my body to fully accompany the distress of my mind as I tried to sleep off all of the sorrow.

My eyes watched over to the side of the bed where she would lay peacefully, snoring lightly as she was just existing one day and then gone the other, she was gone within a minute. I wasn't sure if I was processing the grief correctly, and I don't even know if there is a right way to process something tragic like that. There's always a thought in my head, the idea of just being able to erase all my memories away, all of the anguish, so I could breathe like I used to.

I wanted to sleep so badly, to be able to close my eyes and dream of the life I was eager to have. I couldn't sleep at all. I haven't in the last week. The circles under my eyes were darkening as I would stare at myself in the mirror every single day, trying to think of something that would magically change everything. Sometimes I would laugh because all of it just seemed too moronic and foolish.

I've been dreading so many things, just putting them away like they didn't mean anything, but they did, and I don't know if my heart was able to take any more of it. The thought of just getting more comfortable with someone was terrifying. I don't know if my mind would be able to bear another death or another loss of a friend through lost contact. I couldn't, and I didn't blame myself for it, either. I blamed it on the universe instead. It was easier that way.

I haven't received any letters from family, either, considering I was expecting from my mother, but I had received nothing. I shouldn't be surprised or even expect anything, but I didn't let that have an impact on me. She just wasn't that affectionate with me and I would have to remind myself that for the rest of my life.

Giving myself a push out of bed as I almost tumbled onto the floor, the carpeted floor that felt like razors against my bare skin. The curls falling against my knees as I huddled them against my chest like a warm hug in the sun, providing a sense of comfort to my body as I sat there.

"I don't particularly like this," I spoke as Amelia took my hand, practically forcing me to walk through the crowd. "I don't like this, Amelia. This is a bad idea, a very bad idea."

"Oh, will you be quiet now," she hushed my voice, "this is going to be fun, and you're going to love it. I couldn't watch you drown yourself in that damn room anymore. You know, if something ever happens to me, bury me under a tree."

"That isn't funny, Amelia," I looked up at her as her arm was looped around my neck, shoving my body down as I pulled the strength to bring myself back up. "Don't talk like that; it isn't funny to me. As well as the fact that if we get caught, we're in big trouble and I will be simply sneaking away."