𝐑𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐁𝐮𝐫𝐧 ✓

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐅𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐲 𝐒𝐢𝐱

RopeBurn

"How can you say there was
nothing wrong with us?
When everyday you called,
you yelled, you had enough"

Elvira Valentina

↽———⋆♥︎⋆———⇁

The bookstore had always been a place filled with both anxious and tranquil memories. Night terrors plagued my dreams, ones filled with the traumatizing actions of Marco. Others had been there from the beginning, they were worse than the ones involving Marco. Laughter formed from the drunken nights and effortless dances around the ground floor. Alexei turned what would have been miserable nights into ones more comforting times, long talks about a life that had never truly existed. It was like every word that left my mouth was a lie.

It wasn't like the revenue I made from the library wasn't enough to afford a apartment separate from the library. I made plenty of money from selling books alone, but it was far too risky in the beginning. Leaving my apartment early in the morning and returning late at night was filled with risks I wasn't willing to take. It left me open for far too long. If I can remember correctly I left the library enough times to count on one hand alone during my first year in Russia. It wasn't until much later that those numbers began to increase.

The longer our relationship went on for the more comfortable I became. Dates with Alexei were enjoyable yet risky. Trails alone with him in the middle of no where left me vulnerable. And yet I still made an effort to go out just about any chance I got when it came to him. I trusted him with my life, and he unwillingly and unknowingly left his in my hands. It was like each time I left the house I was daring Marco to come and find me. I kept laughing in his face, and it came back to bite me in the ass harder than I ever thought it would.

I had truly allowed myself to fall into false hope of living a normal life. Bookstore owner by day and simple girlfriend of a writer by night. Deep down I knew that wasn't the life I had wanted, but was it one I was willing to settle for? Perhaps the constant going out was subconsciously me trying to get caught. To be forced back out into the action.

It was often that I questioned why I even stayed with Alexei. Sure, the attraction was definitely mutual. The sex wasn't awful either, that is when I actually allowed him to touch me. It wasn't until we grew more serious that my guard began to drop, though. It was like I was wanting Marco to come and swoop me from the boring housewife life. I craved adventure, needed the constant thrill of my life being on the line. Was that it? Was I hoping he would see me out with Alexei and take me home?

Home.

Was Italy home? No, it was unlikely that I saw Italy as my home. There were no ties to the city itself. Marco, however.. Marco was what I considered home, as long as I was with him it didn't matter where I rested my head at the end of the day. With him the laughter would be filled with knife cutting tension. Sex wouldn't feel necessary to keep him in my bed, my true image and life wasn't something that was hidden behind a pile of lies. Everything I had built with Alexei came from the foundation of something untruthful. It wasn't what I wanted permanently.

No matter how comforting Alexei was he was not enough. He could thrill me for only so long before I thought of Marco once again. Sometimes, I'd even find myself pretending it was Marco holding me at night instead of him. I'd never admit that was the truth then, but it was pointless trying to deny it now. It had always been boring with Alexei, no real excitement. We never argued, my word was seemingly law. Anything I wanted he granted, no questions asked. It was always so exhausting being around someone who was so perfect.