Dark Circles

XI. YOU'RE THE PROBLEM

Chapter Eleven

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ZAVIER hasn't spoken to me in a week. And I made no effort to speak to him either. For the first few days, he would still get noticeably angry whenever I'd go my own way in the hallways, as opposed to following him around like a ragdoll. But after the 3rd day, he didn't even bat an eyelash when I'd part ways with him after class.

But maybe that's because he knew I'd been going back to the dorm to sulk in the darkness like I had been doing.

Sometimes Taechan would come over, and we'd work on the project or just talk. Sometimes I'd go to his place, but most of the time, I was alone.

Such as today.

Stripping off my uniform and replacing the soft cloth with male boxers I wear instead of Nike pros because they are cheaper, and a tank top, I closed the blinds of the window Zavier always opens. Making the room pitch black. Turning on my speaker, I connected my phone and turned on some music very quietly.

Lighting some incense and laying back on my bed, letting the fresh smell and soft music drown out my thoughts. 

I was in the middle of listening to All To Me by Giveon for the 8th time on repeat when the door to the room cracked open.

And once again Zavier walked in, and the sight horrified me. His hair was disheveled, with large black circles under his eyes that were all too dark compared to his pale skin. His eyes were bloodshot red and watery, along with his thick eyelashes that looked damp as if he'd been crying.

His shirt was ripped in 2 spots, and his arm was scratched deeply leaving marks and hints of blood that stained the white shirt. His lips were dry and cracked, and his pants were also wrinkly with a slit in the left pant sleeve.

Zavier just looked at me, closing the door behind him yet not moving from where he stood.

"Zavier," I said quietly, feeling a sharp pain in my chest that I quickly shook off.

And the second his name left my mouth, he broke down.

Hanging his head, Zavier began to cry. First, just soft whimpers that grew to louder cries. He sounded so desperate, so broken. What had happened? Was it his stepfather again? Instead of asking questions, I pried myself out of my bed and took small and careful steps toward him.

I don't know how to comfort people. I've never tried, nor cared to try. But it felt ... strange, just watching him cry. So instead, I peered at his empty hand, before very slowly wrapping mine around it. I didn't say anything, just pulled his arm towards his bed to get him to lie down. He followed, tears staining his cheeks.

But sat down in defeat as we neared his bed.

I didn't know how to react when Zavier pulled on my arm, stopping me from returning to my bed. Pulling me closer, he wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his head on my lower stomach. I'd seen this in movies before, so deciding to just copy what I've seen and not what I've experienced, I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer and toying with his curls as he cried out like a little baby.

We stayed in that position for another 5ish minutes until my feet started to hurt from standing. Where I tried to retreat to my bed once again, but instead Zavier laid down on his bed, pulling me back in.

"Please stay," He whispered.

I wanted to make some snarky remark, insult him even further like I've always known to do. But instead, I laid down, letting him wrap his arms around my frame and pull me backward till his chest was touching my back.

I was uncomfortable, my heart was racing too fast, and I had to keep my eyes open to stop all the bad memories and flashbacks from flooding my head. I tried to calm down, but the closer Zavier pulled me with his breath hitting my neck as he fell asleep, the more I started to panic.

My breath came out in heavy puffs like my throat was closing up, and my hands felt wet and clammy.

Out of all of the times I could've had a panic attack, I chose to have it now. As I lay beside the man I hated far too much while Daniel Caesar played softly in the background, as I never turned off the speaker.

Images flashed of when I was younger, being held down nearly the same way.

I hated it.

I hated this.

I hated myself more than anything.

Soft tears pricked out from the corners of my eyes, betraying my trust and the promise I made to never cry over things I could control. 

Zavier pulled me closer.

My breathing sped up, and the tears came down more furiously.

Closer.

I needed air.

Closer.

I needed to breathe.

His hand began tracing soft circles on my stomach, as a way of comfort.

But all it did was make me flinch heavily and cry harder.

I couldn't tell what I was crying for anymore. My heart hurt, it felt heavy in my chest. I hadn't cried in so long, the feeling felt foreign and irritating as the salty tears dripped down my cheeks. I hadn't cried in so so long.

And for that reason, I cried for everything that went wrong. Everything that I wouldn't let myself cry about when I was younger. I cried for my past self.

Zavier hugged me tighter. "It's ok, I'm right here," He whispered in my ear, continuing the soft circles on my stomach.

That's the problem," I told myself as my cries rang out through the dorm room.