Basically, I Hate You

TWENTY-FIVE

"Hey, sis. How are you feeling?" Wren approached the corner of the room where I'd retreated to escape the boisterous laughter of our family in the background. Judging by his concerned expression someone had noticed me being anything other than ecstatic for my best friend.

"I'm good! I'm just tired." I lied. He nodded, clearly not buying it but deciding to leave it alone.

"Are you leaving tomorrow?" I asked him. His expression turned hopeful as he eyed me.

"Umm, I'm undecided."

"What's the rush to get back home?" I teased.

Wren rolled his eyes. "Absolutely nothing. I want to stay I just..."

"You don't think I want you to." I finished for him.

He nodded ruefully.

I sighed before answering. "I do. I just think you're expecting everything to be a hundred percent okay again if you do. That makes me feel like I have to be dishonest."

"No! I'm not expecting anything, L. I'm just super grateful you're even speaking to me again. That was a bleak couple of days after you left. I love you little sis. You're my best friend."

"Thanks, Wren. I love you too." We smiled at each other. I receded back into thoughtfulness and he began to walk away. Before he could get too far I stopped him.

"Stay."

He smiled at me and nodded.

At least I'll have Wren.

I tipped out the door quietly so I wouldn't disturb the conversations around me. Outside I inhaled a deep breath full of country air, I was starting to suffocate in there. Before I left home I'd say I had a normal amount of teenage insecurity. But since I'd left I often felt paralyzed by worry and consumed by the negative thoughts that played on a loop in my head. My skin crawled as if I was trying to come out of my own body, everything screaming 'get away.' Instead of sitting on the porch like I'd planned I decided to try and find my way back to the meadow Drue had brought me to.

I trudged through the woods, paying careful attention so my clumsiness wouldn't cause me to wipeout on the thick roots jutting out of the forest floor. After a few short minutes the tall, old trees thinned bringing me back to the meadow I'd sat in with Drue. The sun shone boldly into the middle of it, highlighting the small slice of heaven. I sat down directly in the sunlight, basking in its warmth while hugging my knees to my chest.

It felt as if I was grieving the happier, lovelier version of myself the way life had been before my birthday. The longer I sat there the more my thoughts traveled somewhere darker, the future. I had no clue what it held. What about school, or a career? Someone to grow old with, a family? Did I even want that? It all seemed so depressingly uncertain now. Especially as everyone around me fell into their grooves. The only people that didn't seem to know what they were doing were Wren and I and at least Wren had his art, something he was passionate about. Outside of flaming hot cheetos, leggings, and Netflix there was nothing I felt passionate about. I thought coming to Kohl's pack was me moving forward, but it seemed like I'd regressed.

A throat clearing behind me alerted me to the fact that I was no longer alone. It didn't matter that it had been my intention, I wasn't getting anywhere productive with my thoughts so the company was welcomed.

"Sorry, I'm guessing you wanted to be by yourself." Drue looked at me apologetically as my eyes fell upon his imposing, bronze figure.

"No, it's fine. What's up?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing. You seem...too quiet. I thought you were excited about seeing Rhett." Drue's warm chocolate eyes swam with concern as he laid down on his back in the grass beside me, crossing his arms behind his head, and staring up at the sky.