That 000000 & ffffff || Matty Healy

Is It The Same For You?

/ / I S I T T H E S A M E F O R Y O U ? / /

Matty is addicted to coke. Or maybe he was. I know him and Stephani have the pseudo therapy-rehab thing going, usually over the phone, but he isn't actually checked in to a legitimate facility. I actually have no idea where he stands now, but I'm going to assume that the last time he's done it was when I was in the hospital. And I never truly understood the pull until now. He had once told me that he could stop whenever he wanted, and that he started because he could.

I think that's how I am with Natalie. I know she's bad, but when I'm with her I feel good and when she's gone, I feel the crash and I'm so disappointed with myself. Natalie was the drug I've relapsed on. I thought if we met up somewhere that I considered my turf - Louise's dinner - then I'd be able to control myself; control the situation. Perhaps I should have asked someone to accompany me...but this wasn't anybody's battle but my own.

"Marcy," her eyes had been rimmed with tears and I felt my heart ache. I've never seen her cry, she didn't believe in that. Now that I think back on it, I still never have seen her cry. She kept her tears at bay, blinking them away, avoiding my eyes, and playing with her fingers - I don't know...was it an act or had she actually been holding them back?

"Hi," I said softly sitting in front of her. Louise approached us with a smile, brighter than I've ever seen - and then I remembered the news Ross had dropped on us, "shit, Louise, Congratulations!" I stood up but she caught me in a hug before I could ensue anything.

"Shit, I can't believe it! - Have you also gotten the kissy tattoo?" she whispered the last bit into my ear, discretely and my laugh must have given it away because she sighed a bit in relief.

"Where's the rock, then?" I had asked, and yes, I had been excluding Natalie and that made me feel terrible, because despite it all, Natalie always tried to keep me in the loop. I tried reminding myself that she slept with my boyfriend and showed zero remorse just minutes after when she found me drunk off my ass, a blubbering mess of confusion and tears on the steps of some house party.

Louise rolled her eyes, "We're Uni students with a budget," she showed me her left hand where a blue rubber band was looped twice around her ring finger. "This'll do for now, right?"

"It's lovely," I told her, because maybe it was a drunken outburst, I don't really remember much of that night, but it was still very thoughtful, maybe backwards, but a ring shouldn't matter much.

"I love it," she agreed. She cleared her throat and pushed me back to my seat before turning to Natalie, grinning at her like she was trying to place where she's spotted her before, "Hello, I'm Louise, what can I get you?"

I never bothered for introductions, I had assumed Natalie would say her part and leave - she'd cease to exist in my life. I don't remember what we ordered, I just remembered sitting there for what seemed like hours trying to be impassive as she collected her words. Or perhaps she had been thinking up a way out of this.

"I'm so sorry, Marc," she mumbled, her eyes casting down, her head lowered. My hand itched to comfort her, but I kept them on my lap, wringing my fingers together.

"It's fine." I said curtly and got up to leave because it was going nowhere and it was a mistake to even consider her text that morning. Fuck Matty for convincing me to do this.

"Wait," she called, grabbing my wrist and pulling me back to my seat, "Wait," she repeated, her dark eyes pleading with mine, "Just let me speak for a moment." My mouth was in a thin line and my heart was pounding. I knew if I had glanced to Louise, she would have came to my rescue, but fuck, I didn't want to be saved. Natalie was a needle of heroine and I was the addict that was being tempted. I stuck the needle straight to my vein as I let her convince me that it wasn't her fault at all. I felt a bit sick thinking back on it. "It was so sudden - it was in the moment, we were both drunk and - Marcy, he called out your name and I hadn't even realized it was him, I swear. We weren't in out right minds...he thought I was you anyway."