That 000000 & ffffff || Matty Healy

I Don't Want To Be Your Friend, I Want To Kiss Your Neck

/ / I D O N ' T W A N T T O B E Y O U R F R I E N D I W A N T T O K I S S Y O U R N E C K / /

To shit it all goes.

The party is too loud and I know next to no one here. His lips are pressed to my neck in soft kisses that were so familiar to me; my body is aching for more and I want his hands touching me everywhere they're not. My eyes are closed and I'm leaned against a wall, but I can still feel Jamie's disapproving gaze in my general direction and if Anna wasn't so busy lighting a garbage can on fire, I'm sure she would be no different than Jamie.

His lips skim up until they reach the shell of my ear, I push my body closer to his, and my hands slide up his neck, nails dragging along his skin and raking into his hair, because I'm begging for more. His breath is hot against my ear, "I'm so sorry, Marc," And it's not okay, none of it is, but regardless of everything, I'm sloshed and goddamnit, I miss him.

He's not touched me properly in what feels like ages and I think it's mostly my fault for pushing him away. I moan out when his blunt fingers drag along my sides, not calloused like Marty's but softer, like he's never worked hard a day in his life. The material of my dress, too thin and clingy, alludes me into thinking that I can sense the ridges of his fingers imprinting into my body and despite everything, I'm pulling him closer. I want his body to fit mine like it use to, I want to feel my nerves jolt and tingle like it does with Matty, and when Brian pulls away from me and I open my eyes to stare into his dark eyes, I'm reminded that, of course, he isn't Matty.

"I'm sorry too," I say softly. It comes out in a bit of a slur, my head is swimming from the closeness of him, he's intoxicating, as he always was to me, but it's different know, unexplainable if I don't think too hard about it.

"I don't think these are things that friends do," He says, and I'm reminded of an earlier conversation we had just hours ago. Something along the lines of me panicking because, shit, how could I have forgotten he said he was coming back, and then a rushed apology from him and then he's handing me flowers because I love the way lilies smell and it's like the start of our relationship all over again; he's smiling timidly and flushed and he looks so nice wearing his favorite t shirt under a flannel button down. "Then again," he continues, pulling me from my thoughts, "I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck," and it was a bad idea inviting him to Louise's party.

I tilt my head back and let his lips trace a vein down to my shoulder and my eyes stare up at the ceiling, watching the flashing lights reveal the cracks in the walls. I tell my self that there's no point in stopping, is there? Matty has made it clear in the past twelve hours that there was nothing that could possibly go on between us.

I had offered to drop him off after our lunch date that he had insisted on paying for, telling me to keep my fifteen dollars for something else. "You're an idiot," I had muttered, giving in when Louise had only accepted Matty's money in lieu of mine.

"Yes, I definitely am," was an answer I wasn't expecting. He had said it so soft, realization flitting over his face and then, "Fuck, you said you didn't know what you were doing? Hell, Marcy, what the fuck am I doing? You're seventeen, for fuck's sake."

"Yeah, and you're twenty-five, lovely we know our 1 2 3's, shall we begin on the alphabet now?"

"Marceline, shut up." And his tone was sharper than anything I had been used to with him.

"You're giving me whiplash," I muttered. He glared at me and I clamped my mouth shut.

"I just wanted to give you the Redbull as, like, a peace offering, I shouldn't have gotten in the car with you, I shouldn't have pulled you closer, I should have been pushing you away. George was right, I can't be dragging you along," and it had been ironic because that's what Jamie had told me about Brian. He had walked me to the car rather passively and made sure I gotten in before leaning down on the driver's window, peering his head in. He sighed deeply, and kissed my cheek, "I know I'm telling you I should leave but god only knows I'll be back soon." He left me confused and heart broken, like he always seems to do, ending any altercation we ever have with something that drips into my stomach like acid.