Arcane [H.S AU]

FORTY THREE

TW/talks about mental health and self harm

One whole fucking day!

I've been locked in this fucking room all day, one perosn has checked on me and thst my brainwashed mother, she thinks being locked in here is for my own safety.

All I've managed to do is pace around my room, talking to myself about my future with Harry or if I even have a future with him, I sit on my bed cross legged, picking at my skin.

This is a habit I've had for a while, it's what all the little scars are over my legs, some from Chris and some from myself.

I've struggled mentally for years now, I had it handled after university, I had a good regime going, work out, therapy, journaling the usual things you get referred to do when you're mentally ill in the UK.

Zayn has helped me a lot, I explained to him why I pick my skin and sometimes I don't even realise that I'm doing it, it's as if I have an out of body experience when it happens, i try not to do it as often.

I had a handle on it, I was journaling and I had my business that helped me. I would also exercise, trying to keep my mental health on track. I also had Harry who doesn't even know about my mental health to the full extent, yet he helps without knowing.

As I'm in my own head, I try to talk myself out of blacking out, I need to make sure I stay focused and make sure I find a way out.

Mental health is so fickle, some days it consumes you, this all powerful kind of consummation that hurts you, then you have days where you are okay and you feel as if you are on top of the world. I hate that this illness controls me some days, I try not to let this control me.

I try my best to control and navigate my depression. There are days where I have to let my depression take over my body, let this consume me. I know that's not a very positive thing to do but I've struggled for 11 years and I'm tired.

As I sit on my bed going over my life and how I got where I am today, I can hear footsteps approach my door and I can't really work out what they are saying.

"No,the files say Harrison Foster and not Harry Styles, he knows what he's doing." that's my dad, I ran over to the door to see if I could hear anything else.

My body feels weak from being in here all day, but I need to listen to who is here.

I can see feet pace in front of the door of my room. It's two people, my dad and someone else but they haven't spoken yet so I have no clue who they are.

"Maybe she knows about the fake name?" The voice sounds familiar but I can't pinpoint it. It's not Chris or Liam.

I hear the door unlock, I pander back and sit on the edge of my bed, head down looking at my feet, not knowing what's about to come, I continue to pick at the skin on my thigh.