Love Over Lust | D.L.

17.

dallaslovato: Colby Mike Lovato💙 6 lbs 8 oz, my whole world. (shoutout to @ddlovato for being by my side despite everything. I love you so much.)

When Dallas told me she decided on the name Colby, I fell in love with it. When she told me his middle name... I cried. Despite what I had told myself earlier.

But it's okay. Colby is so freakin cute, and Dallas is so happy. She is glowing, and the love radiating off of her is the best part.

At around 8 AM, Nick got a text that Alaya woke up. We said goodbye and went back to my place to spend time with our baby. Even though she isn't so small anymore.

When we got home she was eating breakfast with Joe, when Alaya ran to us when she saw us. Nick picked her up and we gave her lots of love.

"Alaya, guess what?" I asked her as we sat on the bed in my room to cuddle.

"What Mama?" She asked curiously. We had church in about an hour, at 10 so we were dressed up a bit.

"Aunt Dallas had her baby!" I told her and she got super excited and hugged me, and more so my belly.

I showed her some pictures but she started to drift off to sleep, cuddled into my side. I let her for a while, and took a picture before we had to go.

ddlovato: always have to keep goin for these two💕

I carefully picked her up and we walked out to the car. Nick and Joe were with me, because they wanted to go to church with our families.

I drove us to the church, but it was already pretty packed. I parked on the street and we all got out. Nick went to get Alaya but I told him that I would. She was sleeping on my chest and just being with her made me feel a little better.

We saw both of our families with the exception of Dallas and Colby. We walked up to them and I managed a slight smile as we said hello.

"Demi, sweetie how are you?" Denise, Nick's mom asked me as I came up to her. I sighed thinking of what to say.

I honestly didn't even know how I was feeling. The motto 'Push Through It' ran through my head on loop. It's what Mike and Phil had told me for years, so it's my immediate response.

"I'm okay. I'll be okay." I said and she gave me a sad smile and I side hug, due to Alaya being on my hip.

"You both look great D." My mom said as she came over to me and I hugged her. I chuckled a bit thinking about my appearance.

"Thank you but I know I look exhausted." I said and she kissed my forehead and she shook her head.

"Should we go inside?" Eddie asked and we all nodded. I walked over to Nick and asked him to take Alaya because I was feeling pretty lightheaded.

We linked arms and went inside, sitting next to eachother and our families. I wasn't able to really focus on anything. My mind just wandered off to space.

What felt like 5 minutes was apparently an hour because Madi was poking me to get my attention. The service was over so I got up to go.

When we got back to my car I asked Nick a question. "Do you wanna take Laya tonight?"

"Do you really think you wanna be alone right now?" He asked hesitantly and worried. I sighed knowing he was right.

We drove home in silence besides Alaya asking random questions.

"What's that?" A tree

"Why is it there?" Because it grew there.

"Why is it green?" Because it's a tree.

"But why?" Because God made it that way.

"Why?"

"Because Alaya! I don't know why the damn tree is green, just that it is!" I finally snapped but felt horrible for afterwards.

We got home and I got out of the car. Nick, Joe, Alaya and I all walked inside. She was stuck to Nick's side.

I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie with me and what she said broke my heart. "No! I hate you!"

I felt my eyes start to water so I walked to my bathroom and locked myself inside. I slid down against the door and let the tears fall freely.

Why was I such a mess? Mike and I had only been dating for 9 months. But I was pregnant with his baby. I looked down at my swollen belly and cried harder.

Why was I such a bad mom? I let my emotions get in the way and I hurt my daughter. How was I supposed to have 2 kids, all alone.

What I did next was something I knew I would regret. My mind told me no, because of my baby. But my demons told me yes.

I grabbed my razor and broke it apart. I popped a blade out and cried harder if that was possible. I held it to my arm, under my tattoos thinking of what to do.

The door opened and Nick fell to his knees next to me, immediately grabbing the sharp price of medal. He flushed it down the toilet and held me close to him while I sobbed.

My whole body hurt. The mental pain had taken over every inch of my being, and I cried into Nick until I ran out of tears.

He looked me in the eyes and took my hands in his. "What were you thinking? You have a baby in you D. I get you are in pain but you have to stick it out for him." He said and wiped a few stray tears.

"I don't wanna feel anymore Nick. I just want to be numb. I'm so fucking tired. When do I get a break?" I asked and he just held me for a little while longer, not knowing the answers to my questions.
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Hey everyone! I'm so sorry that I haven't been updating recently. I've been so damn busy. School started back up again, and I have had a lot of family events happening. My sister and my cousin both got married. In the last month I have been to 5 states. I'll try to be posting more often.
I love you all, Stay Strong ❤️
~S