Fever Dream ~ Neymar Jr

Chapter 20

2017

So leave me in the cold

Wait until the snow covers me up

So I cannot move

So I'm just embedded in the frost

"I broke us?" I screamed. "What you're the innocent in all this?"

"You were the one who left!"

"I left that night! I left to cool off. You made sure I couldn't come back! I was your fiancée and you locked the door, you blocked me from your phone and left me alone in Barcelona! You made sure I had no way to contact you, ever again! I asked you for time, for a timeout and instead you deleted me from your life! What did you want me to do exactly? One day I was living in your house, helping your son with his homework, calling your sister my sister, having your friends as my friends and the next day I was cut off like a problem child! You removed me, like I meant nothing to you. And you have the nerve to say I broke us? I may have handed you the knife, but you didn't have to stab me with it so many times!" I cried, my throat hurting from how much I was yelling.

"You didn't want to get married anymore Liv, how much clearer could you be?"

"I never said that! I only said that I didn't want to get married right away! Of course, I say one thing and you understand another! But I shouldn't even be surprised, you never listened to me!"

"That's a new one! You sent the ring back by post! And all the gifts I ever bought you along with it!"

"Should I have kept it?" I asked him, my mind momentarily flashing back to the one gift of his I kept, the one I couldn't part with. "Wouldn't you have asked for it? Not once did you try to see things from my point of view Neymar!"

"I didn't try? So, all the things I'd done for us to be together, they don't matter?" He said.

"You didn't try. Not where it counted. Our life in Barcelona always revolved around you."

"I'm a professional football player Liv, I'm sorry that's an inconvenience to you!"

I felt myself about to explode. The adrenaline had already been high because of the game but now I was dizzy and my head was ringing, my blood pressure was through the roof. I felt like I would pass out. I took a deep breath, stabilizing myself on the hood of his car. Suddenly he looked concerned, taking a step towards me. "I tried to speak to you, Neymar. Either you didn't understand, or you pretended not to." I told him raising my hand to stop him from approaching me.

I continued: "In the few months since I came to Barcelona, I went from being Olivia, the physics graduate, the one who played football on an amateur team, who had hobbies and friends outside of you to just Neymar's girlfriend. I wasn't even Olivia anymore! I remember at the last party you hosted, your friends would just introduce me as Neymar's girlfriend, they didn't even use my name! And here is Neymar's girlfriend! That's all you really need to know about her!" I spat.

"I went from having all these things going on, dreams and plans about the future, to just being a live-in girlfriend, always there when you came home from practice, your plus one when you needed one! I could very well be your housekeeper. You paid for everything, food, flights, even my clothes, as your mother kept pointing out. I had no income, I had no reason for existing other than you. My whole world revolved around you!"

"And I loved you so much, it was worth it. I wanted to marry you, so, so much. But I lost myself. Little by little. And when I tried to explain it to you, how dark things had gotten, you didn't give me a chance. All you heard was that I wanted a break and you made sure it was a permanent one." I said, the last few words a whisper. I was breathless and exhausted.

Neymar was looking at me, a mixture of shock and hurt in his face.

"I was shrinking, little by little, day by day. Even if I had stayed, I would have turned into a version of myself even you couldn't love."

Neymar took a step back, and he leaned against the car across from his. It seemed like neither one of us could trust themselves to stay standing without support. "My mother?" Neymar asked. "What did she say to you?"

"I tell you all this and that's the one thing you care about?" I snorted. "She accused me of being a gold digger. A big fat nothing that was mooching off of her son. That's what she really thought of her future daughter in law. But maybe, her saying that to me, it helped me wake up and see I had turned into a version of myself I didn't like, one that thought there was no hope for the future, nothing besides you."

"Why didn't you say something?" He asked, his voice a whisper. For the first time he sounded a bit unsure. Like he was going back in time, trying to see how he missed all that.

"You don't understand! I didn't realize what was going on, until I was so far buried underneath the weight of it that it crashed me! At first it was small things like I'll figure out what to do about a job once the season finishes, now it's important to support Neymar. Or I'll ignore that job offer that came in, because it's not in Barcelona. And Neymar can't move and we can't be long-distance again. But soon, these little things piled on top of each other." I told him.

"You never said any of that to me." He said, his tone still accusatory.

"Why would I?" I retorted. "You almost broke up with me when I wanted to take the contract extension in Russia! Can you honestly tell me that you'd have encouraged me to take any job that was not in Barcelona? Look, I'm not accusing you of not knowing these things were going on, because you're right, I never told you. If I could accuse you of one thing, it would be how quickly you turned your back on me when I finally tried to tell you. As if, you were waiting for this moment, like you knew always, in the back of your mind that I'd betray you."

He was about to reply, but I cut him. "Actually, two things. The second being how quickly you shut me off afterwards. You made sure I had no way to contact you again. I was basically homeless and had no money, alone with no friends in Barcelona that weren't your friends, that wouldn't take your side over me. To everyone, I was the bitch who abandoned you after you gave her everything. I was broke and alone and thank God for David, because I don't know what I would have done without him. He literally took me in. He gave me the means to start my life again and it became a life I was proud of. I am proud of." I said pointing towards my PSG uniform.

"Livvie..." He said and this time his voice was soft, two single tears running down his cheeks. He approached me, cupping my face. When he touched me, I realized my eyes were filled with tears too.

"Don't." I told him, looking at the ground. The flowers he never gave me had fallen from my hand without me realizing. "It seems I can't win, not in this life. The choice was either you or everything else. I chose you. Until I couldn't anymore. So now I have this great life, with all I ever wanted. Scoring a fucking hat trick on my first professional game. Why do I still feel so empty?" I asked, but it was a rhetorical question.

"And as for the other thing you said, about my boyfriend?" I started saying. "I watched you these past 18 months Neymar. You may have blocked me from everything, but I still found a way to watch it all. The posts and the stories and the paparazzi photos. The models and the influencers you paraded around, a new one every week, like you didn't give a rat's ass. Like you wanted me to see you were just fine, you were living your best life. And getting back together with Bruna. Everything that was written about you this past year and a half, I read. So, don't you dare accuse me of playing with your feelings, because I finally tried to move on with my life too. For God's sake, we've done so much damage to each other already!"

'Cause this is torturous electricity

Between both of us and this is

Dangerous 'cause I want you so much

But I hate your guts

I hate you