Fractured from the Fall

The Shift

There was a lightness in Lily's step. The weight was lifted. He future, altered. She was back on the right path, or at least the path that didn't end with her being a teenage mother. This was what she wanted and she should have been happy, but she wasn't. Instead, she was once again consumed by guilt. It seemed to be an inescapable emotion, only this time it was different. She felt guilty for not being sad at the loss of her child and over not wanting it to begin with. She felt like a horrible human being, and the worst part was that she couldn't talk to anyone about it. The only person who knew what she had been through was Ford, and there was no way he would be able to sympathize with her struggle. After all, he wanted the baby. He was devastated by the loss. At least she thought he was. How could he possibly understand her relief? She was worried he would think something was wrong with her for feeling the way she did. Hell, Lily even wondered if something was wrong with her. Her head told her she should be mourning, but instead she felt like celebrating.

She didn't know how to be around Ford. She felt like she needed to play a role, the grieving mom-to-be, only she was cast in the wrong part. In some ways she resented Ford for getting her into this situation in the first place. She knew, of course, that it wasn't entirely his fault. It took two to make a baby, but it was easier to try and place the blame elsewhere. Maybe it was a defense mechanism to lessen the tremendous amount of guilt she felt, but whatever it was, there was a shift in Lily. She felt it and so did Ford. They'd gone too far, and now trying to go back to what it was before the baby, just wasn't possible. They both knew, but Lily was the one who couldn't fake it anymore.

None of the feelings Lily was experiencing made sense to her. She didn't know how to process them so instead, she turned cold towards Ford. It was easier than telling the truth or talking about what had happened. Subconsciously, she was sabotaging the relationship. On some level, she hoped that if she was cruel or aloof then maybe Ford wouldn't want to be with her. Then he could end it and Lily could wash her hands of whatever it was they had been. She could pretend like none of it had ever happened.

After a week of practically being ignored, Ford asked Lily to meet him in their usual spot in the theater storage room. Lily thought about not showing up but she could only dodge Ford for so long. She told herself that things would get better once it was over. She just needed to get it done with: rip off the proverbial bandaid. Then she could focus on finishing up the remaining few weeks of the school year. Once she was graduated, she would put all her energy into getting the hell out of Oakley.

She found Ford in his normal spot, leaned up against the faux rock. But instead of his usual seductive look, his eyes were filled with pain: a pain that Lily felt she had caused. It would be better for him too if she were gone. Their relationship had done nothing but cause trouble, not just for them, but between Grant and Ford. Once their relationship was over, and Lily had left town, Ford could repair his friendship with Grant. She figured their friendship was more important than whatever it was that she and Ford had shared.

She kept her distance, not wanting to get too close. Ford still possessed a power over Lily, that she was acutely aware of, as her heart always began to beat faster the second he entered a room. He was pretty much the only boy Lily knew who actually looked hotter the more vulnerable he was. It was hard not to go to him and make him feel better, but Lily was smart enough to know that it would be a temporary fix to a much larger problem.

"Lily, what's going on with you?" he finally spoke, breaking the tension.

"What do you mean?" she replied, with little emotion behind the words.

"I know what you went through was tough but..."

His use of the word "tough" angered Lily. "Tough" was a massive understatement.