Fractured from the Fall

The Hidden Stash

Lily kicked the dirt with her boot cursing at herself for coming to this stupid keg memorial funeral thing. It seemed like more of an excuse to party than a gathering to honor Grant, although that's probably how he would have liked it. No one wanted her here, not Ford, not her sister, not the catty girls from high school with their resting bitch faces that glared at Lily as she walked past scanning the area for a lone beer someone might have left lying around. About the only people who seemed happy to see her were that asshole Mike and Bennie, who would be happy to see just about anyone. That's when Lily remembered Bennie's secret hiding spot. At one of his many high school parties when the keg had run out of beer, Grant showed her where Bennie always kept a twelve pack of Bud Light. He claimed it was to offer to girls whose pants he wanted to get into, but Bennie didn't have any game. If a girl seemed like she was flirting with Bennie, it was just her way of trying to figure out who Grant had a crush on. Bennie's secret hidden twelve pack was, more often than not, for him to drink once the keg was empty and everyone had left.

Reaching her hand under the back steps of Bennie's house, Lily found that she was in luck. Most things around this place didn't change, but this was the only one she was glad about. She grabbed three beers from the case, tucking two in her jean jacket pockets and cracking open the third. She figured she was doing Bennie a favor. He seemed pretty wasted already. The last thing he was going to need at the end of the night was more alcohol. Seconds before the beer hit her lips, it occurred to Lily that this beer might not be fresh. What were the chances that Bennie was still restocking his hidden stash almost twenty years later? But once the liquid hit her tongue she didn't care how old it was. Alcohol was alcohol at this point. And after the interaction she had with Ford, she needed something to stop her brain from overanalyzing everything he had said.

Lily spent the next hour wandering in and out of Bennie's backyard and house, sipping her beer, while dodging boring small talk with people she hadn't seen since high school and trying to find a quiet place where she could be left alone. It was weird being at one of Bennie's house parties without Grant. It felt wrong. Everything felt different without him around. But as sad as it made Lily, she couldn't begin to imagine how Violet was feeling. She put on a good show, no doubt for Harper, but Lily knew Violet was hurting deeply. She thought about trying to find her sister to see if she wanted to talk, but her brain was growing foggy as the alcohol was beginning to take over her thoughts and speech. It probably wasn't the best time to try and have a serious heart-to-heart with her sister when she could barely form a coherent sentence. She couldn't figure out why she had gotten drunk so easily. The beer in Utah had a lower alcohol content, but then she remembered that the elevation affected how quickly a person could get drunk, especially when you're used to imbibing at sea level. That's what had happened to Richard when she first met him that night out in Park City. She made so much fun of him at the time, but now she was just like him, a sea level rookie who had gotten too drunk from Utah's so called "weak" beer. There was also the fact that Lily had pretty much pounded the three beers she found under the stairs, plus the one Ford gave her and her half foam keg cup. It was a lot in a short amount of time and she could feel it. The last thing she needed was to make a fool of herself in front of all these people, although she wasn't sure anyone would notice. Everyone seemed two sheets to the wind, which was fine for them, but Lily had enough going on in her life right now. She didn't need to add a hang over to the list, plus she wanted to avoid another uncomfortable encounter with Ford, whom she hadn't seen since he left her stunned by his comment, so she decided it was best to leave before she ran into him again and did or said something she would regret.

Stumbling out the front door, Lily made her way to her father's pick up truck. She tried to stick the key in the lock but kept missing the keyhole as she swayed back and forth. Why couldn't her father have a keyless vehicle like everyone else in America? After the fourth attempt she dropped the keys on the ground. She bent down to pick them up, but when she went to stand, she hit her head on the side view mirror. It was almost as if her father was whacking her on the back of the head for even thinking about driving his beloved truck while intoxicated, or driving while intoxicated, period. Realizing that she was far too tipsy to operate a vehicle, she put the keys back in her pocket and searched the area for someone to give her a ride, but she was too prideful to go back inside and admit she was too drunk to drive. Calling an Uber was out. It was doubtful they would come out this far and even if she could get one, it would take so long that she would be sober by the time the driver would show up. 

Walking home to her father's house was the best solution. It was a warm night after all and the walk would help her sober up. The road was dark and quiet, but not in a frightening way. Lily always felt safe walking the streets of Oakley alone. In a place where everyone knows your name, it's hard to get away with doing something bad. It was more likely that someone would stop to help her than to harm her. Not that her community in the OC was dangerous by any means, but there's safe and then there's friendly. People in Oakley stopped to help because they genuinely cared about one another. Lily couldn't even recall the names of her neighbors at her mansion on the hill overlooking the ocean. She wouldn't be able to pick them out of a line up. At first she liked the privacy, but lately, she had realized that seclusion is lonely, especially when you don't have anyone else to be secluded with. She didn't know why Richard insisted on so much square footage, maybe because the less they saw of each other, the better their marriage seemed. But with Richard no longer living in the house, it felt enormous and empty, although Lily was beginning to realize that even when he was home he wasn't ever truly present. She used to think that having him physically in the house made her feel less alone, but in truth, she was just as alone when he was there, as she was now that he was gone. He wasn't a good husband, but things with him were comfortable and starting over terrified Lily. Who would she be without Richard? What would she do with her life? She didn't have any job level skills or experience. She had a knack for design that she had discovered when she and Richard built the house. She always thought it might be fun to get into restoring homes or interior design, but how would she go about doing something like that? Who would want to hire someone with zero experience? They were questions that had been playing like a broken record on repeat in her brain for months. They were the thoughts that were preventing her from signing the divorce papers. It wasn't that she wanted to stay married to Richard, it was that she didn't know who she was without him. 

Lily took a deep breath and looked up at the dark night sky trying to clear her head. A million little twinkling stars lit her path down the road.  After walking nearly two miles, she was almost home and nearly sober. It had been a long time since she had seen a sky like this, so clear and the moon so bright. Her mind flashed to the time she and Ford hid amongst the trees while their friends tried to find them on a night just like tonight. Playing hide n' seek in the woods was an activity they often did on hot summer nights after drinking several beers in the back of Ford's pick up truck. Her heart raced at the memory of that moment, just like it did all those years ago when she hid with him in the woods, standing so close, too close, to the boy she thought hated her, the boy she thought she hated as well. That night changed everything and yet nothing, because no matter how many times she relived the memories of her past, she always awoke to the same reality. 

That is, until she rounded the bend and stopped short in her tracks at the sight of Ford's truck parked up the street from her father's house. In that moment, Lily realized that she couldn't change the past, but was it too late to start anew?