FLAWED | √

¶ CHAPTER 29 ¶

SID

She was staring straight into my eye; she was so lost in my darkness she had forgotten the revulsion the odour provided her. She never loved the smell of alcohol and smoke that came from me. She hadn't expressed it loud. Her fragile, cute, innocent face spoke volumes.

I never desired to live in darkness, never to step into it. But I found familiarity in that darkness, where I wasn't forced to act perfectly. I could enjoy my flaw. People around me were flawed. I didn't feel inferior. But I always craved for the light, the light that could bring me out of that darkness.

"I deserved the darkness, that hole. You deserved the light, the universe." A smile crept on my lips. She was staring at me. A small tear escaping from her eyes I brushed it off. "I wanted to gift you universe, make you believe what you were capable of." I paused for a second, keenly observing her, she found it difficult to understand yet I was going to convey my feelings in the foreign language. For us language was never a barrier, we had understood each other through something beyond expressed by words.

"I had seen that pain in your eyes, the longing for love, care." I mumbled, "the same I craved for years. It irritated me, though we experienced the same thing you wasn't standing up for yourself. You were accepting the cruel world, you were accepting it as your faith. How could you believe you were a curse? How could you?" I asked, we both were shedding tears. We were experiencing each other's pain. It was weird and one would think, it could happen for real? Could a person experience someone else pain when his or her life was messed like hell?

"Tumhe pata hai why I call you lucky charm? Meri lucky charm, kyu ho tum?" She raised her eyes as if indicating she was curious. I chuckled seeing her reaction. "Kyuki from the moment I met you, I lost the path that took me to darkness. Jab tum mere sath hoti ho, I don't want to walk that path. I don't want to drink, smoke... it makes me feel disgusted with myself. Mujhe woh cheeze ahsaas karati hai ki mai tumhare kabil hu nahi." I closed my eyes in defeat, I hate whenever those emotions cross my heart. I want to deserve her, I want her. I couldn't imagine my life without her. Without opening my eyes to glance at her first in the morning. Without ending my day with her in my arms. I knew we were polar apart in everything, we couldn't be part of each other's world. But I want to differ, I always differed!

A small, soft hand touched my cheek. I shivered in her touch, it was her first attempt. I had always initiated such things, she was attempting for the first time. I wanted to open my eyes and confirm, I wasn't imaginary things. In my drunken state, I had often imagined her. She cared for me, she expressed her feeling, she confessing that she won't ever leave my side. I had consumed more than enough to imagine it once again, but I was scared. I wasn't intending to shatter myself further. Deep down I knew I was forcing her, she would eventually start hating me. As it was nearly impossible for me to let her escape. Not after the pain, I witnessed when she disappeared in my unconscious state.

My grip on her waist tightened on that thought, I heard her gasp but the hand on my cheek didn't move. "But jab tum mujhse dur jati ho... tab lagta hai ki tum mujhse bhagna chahti ho... tumko bhi mai pasand nahi hu... tumhe bhi mujhse ghin aati hai toh I go back to that darkness, that path. Pata hai waha ek baar chala gaya toh wapas nahi aa pavunga, pr woh duniya mujhe accept karti hai. Mujhe disgusted feel nahi hota waha... koi mujhe yeh nahi feel karata ki mai kitna bura hu..." Tears were continuously flowing, I wanted to feel her presence even if it was my hallucination I couldn't care less. I wanted to express my pain, agony to someone and if I trusted someone with it then it was her. I knew she would understand, she won't judge.

"Ap bure nahi ho..." her soft melody played in my ears. That startled me, I opened my eyes wide. She was staring at my face, concern playing in her eyes. Those tears hadn't stopped flowing through drenching in rain it was difficult to point that whether she was crying but her soft sobs couldn't go unnoticed, not by me. She hadn't left me, she was present. It was enough to spread a ray of delight in my heart.