Jensoo - How is this for us?

Time Off

Jisoo's POV

I almost felt my heart stopped beating right after I confessed to her. I turned my gaze up at the sky above us, as I decided to just tell her everything. But I also reminded myself to accept the consequences of this. I sighed heavily before voicing out my feelings. "Honestly, there's so much to say to you but I can't even find the right words. I don't even know when did all of this started."

I felt her shift in her position and I can definitely tell that she's now looking at me. I almost felt my breath hitched for a moment when I felt her staring at me intently, but I still manage to speak again. I need to let this out. It's now or never. I turned my gaze back at her and tried to look for any violence reaction or anything, just in case maybe I should just shut my mouth, maybe then I can at least save our friendship, but there were nothing. She's just looking at me with nothing to interpret, no emotion.

"I swear to God Jen, I tried to stop all of this. I tried to just don't mind it, thinking that it will fade away in time, telling myself that it will be felt that way maybe just for a while. I tried to divert my attention, going out with whoever it may be, just to forget all of this mixed feelings I'm having, but life refuse to be easy on me." I stopped for a moment, to take a breath and relaxed before continuing again.

"You always appeared before my eyes, every time I tried to convince myself to let go all of this, I'll keep back to find another reasons to keep holding on. I always find myself keep running back to you, let it be against my consciousness, let it against any promises. It almost like being in a car race with a force acceleration, I just can't stop my motion. Loving you from afar feels like a kid that can't fix her emotions, I refuse to lose you." I finished with a smile as I released all the nervousness that I didn't know I was holding back while talking.

I turned my eyes to meet her brown ones and my heart immediately shattered when I saw tears forming beneath them. I made her cry, again. That instant moment, I wanted to hug her tight and tell her how sorry I am for telling her all of these now. But there's something inside me that popped out and made me hesitated.

REJECTION.

What if she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore? What if she despise me? How am I going to answer my parents if they're asking about her? I guess it's true, the moment you did something, that's the only moment you'll get to realize, how much afraid of the outcome, you really are, when you bet everything on the line. All the bravery I had awhile ago was now gone and my heart started to feel pain. I was drowned by my own thoughts, but I was immediately pulled out of it when I heard someone sobbing. I gathered all the confidence I have left, as I cupped her cheeks to wipe the tears away. "I'm sorry Jennie." I apologized and I can't help myself but to hug her, this time I don't care if she'll push me away.

"I'm sorry that I had to tell you this, I just didn't want to lie myself again, it's not like want to ruin what you have with Kai. I know that you're with him and I'm happy for you Jen. I didn't do this to get between you guys. I just.. I might ended being crazy if I keep this to myself. I'm sorry for running our friendship, I'm sorry for making you cry again, you don't deserve this." I paused for a second to look at her, she's still sobbing and I can feel the crook of my neck getting wet. I sighed as I caressed her back, hoping for it will give her comfort.

"But I'm not sorry for loving you. I won't do that. I won't apologize for something that made me the happiest. I won't apologize for something that made experience things that I never thought I could have before. Loving you made me feels things, you made me know myself better. Those are some of the many reasons why I will never apologize for falling for you." I stopped for a moment when I felt her head tilting up to look at me. Our eyes met, the eyes that I loved the most, now sheading tears, while she's in my arms.

"Falling in love with you was the best thing that ever happened to me." I finished as I let a tear of relief escaped my eyes. Finally! Fucking finally! You've grown some fucking balls now. I'm free, not lying to myself, not lying to her. It's to tiring to live with lies. We are just staring at each other. Not minding the things around us. I felt her body calmed and she stopped crying. I gave her a weak smile, her features began to change. A sad expression has appeared on her face. She's looking at me like this is going to be her last time. This is bad.

"I don't know what to say." She said as she let go of me. I would accept everything. "I don't know what to say Jisoo, I'm sorry." She said in a frustrated manner, as she look up at the sky to prevent herself to shed another tears. "Jen.. Like I've said, I'm not expecting anything in return okay? I just want to be honest. I know that you're with him, I understand. I want you to be happy, and you're happy with him." I honestly told her.

"I'm not."

She suddenly said that made me curious. I looked at her with my eyebrows furrowed, as if asking what she's talking about. She sighed before saying, "I'm not happy with him." For a moment, all the fears and doubts that I have has left my body. I felt like hope has risen within me but I quickly sway those thoughts away. She's just confused! That is what I'm trying to avoid. I don't want her to say things out of frustration, out of unsure feelings.

"Don't say that Jen. I don't want you to tell me things out of pity, just to make me feel okay. You didn't have to say anything that you didn't mean." I told her to calm down. I just wanted her to know that I'll be fine with every decisions she'll make. "I'm not saying this out of pity or guilt Chu. I'm not happy with him." She answered back and looked at me. Upon seeing her eyes, I know she's not lying. "But I can't break up with him." She continued and I swear I heard the fear and hurt in her voice. There's something in the way she said it, that made me feels like she's confused and afraid of something. Maybe she needed time to think.

I tried my best to surface a smile. I'm breaking inside but I will try to be okay for her and her sake. "I know Jen, I'm not asking you to break things off with him. But please don't think that I'm trying to made you felt that, I just wanted to be honest with you." I told her sincerely. "I don't know what to do Chu. I can't break off with him but I can't lose you either Chu." She exclaimed. I tightly engulfed my hands around her, to make her feel secure and to tell her that I will never leave her.

"You know that will never happen Jendeuk. You won't lose me. I'm still your bestfriend. Both of us needed time to cool things off." I said to her. "What do you mean?" She asked me and I can hear confusion in her voice. "We need space Jen. I'm going back the day after tomorrow. We both need this, we need a time off for each other. For you to take everything in and thinks of things, stuffs, without my presence or without you considering me. I hope you understand love, I can't stay here right now." I said to her which sounded more like a pleading.

"Please don't leave me." I can't help but to smile upon hearing what she said. At least she still wanted me to stay. "Stupid. That's the last thing that I'll ever do. Leaving you. You're stuck with me forever, Jen. Whether you like it or not, we just need time off Jen. That's far too different from leaving." I said to her. "Then I'm coming with you. I'll stay at my apartment. I won't come to yours as long as you don't want me to." She sadly said.

"I can Facetime you right?" She asked but I just playfully rolled my eyes on her. "Yah Jendeuk! Clingy Jendeuk is back. But nope. I told you, you need to think things without me okay?" I answered. I heard her sighed but nodded her head in agreement none the less then suddenly lunged herself at me again. "I'm sorry Chu. I'm sorry for causing you pain." She apologized and I can hear her voice cracked again. "Ssshhh.. I don't want you to blame yourself. This is not your fault okay? We can never put a direction in our heart, tell it whom to love. Stop crying now." I said to her.

"Take a good care of yourself love." She reciprocated it and I can feel her heart beating so fast. "Take care of yourself too. I'm gonna miss you badly, Chu." She said to me. Refused to say anything more I just nodded my head as I separated from our hug. I smiled at her one last time before turning around and began to walk away. Just one last time Jisoo, let me look at her for one last time. I saw her waving her hands and smiling at me as tears runs down her face. I smiled and waved too, I tried so hard to keep myself not running back to her.

Wanting this space doesn't mean that I'll stop loving you. I just wanted to distant myself because I know that I still can't have you.