Jensoo - How is this for us?

How Is This For Us?

Jennie's POV

When we almost reaching the hospital, the front entrance was full with people but being stop by the security team. Are they coming for Jisoo too? I can see some of them are crying, but I can't hear a thing, maybe my ears are refuse to hear anything. My eyes gets blurry too, I'm not sure if I'm being dizzy or it's because of my tears. As we walk towards the ward where Jisoo at, I feel my feet are shaking. All the hospital staff seems to be busy at the moment. When one of the doctor approach us, his expression is clear with disappointment and it looks sad, he told us Jisoo can't make it. She had a cardiac arrest in the ambulance, when they're trying for emergency rescue, it's too late. She's already breathless when they reach the hospital. Without another word, I walk to her bed, with a small and heavy steps, things or people seems to be moving fast forward on my peripheral vision. The only that is on slow motion is me walking towards her, her face is the only thing that is clear in my eyes. I can see the blood all over her face. This ain't real. This must be a prank.

How can you leave me like this? Not even a single word from you. When I reach her bed, I can't help but to cry, hugging her tightly, hoping for her to hear me and wake up. Or maybe wake me up, maybe this is only a dream, a bad one. My body is aching all over, feels like I've been hit and punch by few people, over and over again. I shake her body to wake her up until Lisa and Rosie hold me down. Am I being too overdramatic? Lisa and Rosie are Jisoo's friends too, why am I the only one acting like this? Why does it feel so hurt inside of me?

"Miss Jennie.." I heard the doctor speak behind us. I turned to him and grab his collar to save Jisoo, it's not too late, she's alive, she can make it. She made a promise to me after all. "I'm sorry miss, I couldn't save her, it's a lost cause. But I believe this belong to you, she's been holding to it until her last breath." He take my hand from his collar and pass me a red small box. A ring box. When I open the box, I falls onto the floor. If only I propose to her earlier, if only I didn't wake up late this morning, if only we're not together, if only I didn't running back to her life. She must be alive until now. When I look back at the past, she always be the one to sacrifice herself for me, to take any blows before me, this time, it's because of me, too.

I feel someone is hugging me tightly, I'm not sure who that is. When I look at Jisoo being breathless on the bed, I saw many figures around her. "I'm here Jennie, it's okay.." said someone. It's Irene. The figures surround Jisoo become clear now, her family and my parents. All of them are crying over her. I hug Irene back, hoping for the aching feeling will be at ease. This heart wont be at ease, when I'm knowing I will be living a life without Jisoo. Nothing is like it was. She won't be there anymore, not in our daily life, my family won't tease me about her anymore, mom won't be cooking her special recipe for Jisoo anymore, Lisa won't fight with Jisoo while me and Rosé watching them. Me? I won't forget her, for all those moments we have spent together. All the laughter I've had because of her, the time when she took care me especially when I'm sick, when we rush over to each other whenever we had chance to meet up, all those crazy nights with our friends and family. How am I suppose to live without you?

How I wish all this is just a prank or just bad dream. Please tell me this is only your plan, your proposal plan. I don't mind people see me crying like a mad woman and almost punch a doctor, a proposal in the hospital is not a bad plan too, right? I will say yes anyway, anytime and anywhere. Jisoo, please come to me right now. Lisa, please stop this prank, my heart can't take it anymore, tell your friend she need to come over, tell me everything is okay.

***After 3 years***

Jennie's POV

Exactly on this date, you have left us, leaving us with your memories behind. As we're together here at your grave, it still feels like yesterday, everything is vividly on my mind. All the crying and sleepless nights, it consumes everything in me, it drowns me. Laying on our bed, wrapped up in sheets of miserable thoughts. I keep thumbing through our old texts and photos, looking at that makes me feels like my soul been peel of every layers. I crave for your touch, every time I'm staying at your house, it burns me, maybe I dance in the flame now, but it give me comfort. Like a shameless flower cries at every wedding, I don't have feelings anymore, all I have are petals. I'm no longer need preeminence, position or popularity, I don't have to be right, first or recognized for I'm living my life without your presence. In this big city, all I still want is you, Kim Jisoo. If thinking of you make the rain, we will experience rain all those 3 years in this city, or maybe that was I thought. I can't help but to put myself under the shower every time I'm crying over you, missing you. Maybe that was the rain after all, I don't know anymore.

Who's up there to tell you that I love you still? Who's gonna tell you that I need you? Who's gonna tell you up there that I miss you so much? That I sleep every night for the past 3 years only to wear your clothes because it feels like you're hugging me to sleep. Even if I drink enough, I still can't forget your name, your silhouette, those alcohols tasted bitter anyway, it can't sweeten my feeling. I've been told it's time to move on, you're gone, live my life, love and be loved. But who's gonna tell them that you're all I want? Loving you still like this feels like a sin, when will I be over you? That I can't let go of your ring, our rings. Let me live my life in despair until I meet you again, Jisoo. Afterlife or next life, you and me, as we have promised. Let's keep it real next time because I won't forgive you if you ever leave me like this, ever again. Because I refuse to have to have this nomadic soul, I've never feel like home since you've left.

If you chopped me open, you'd find all the broken words hanging on the bones of ribcages. You'd find scrap of papers, with love letter I've been writing to you, you'd find echoes of the songs that we used to sing, you'd know how I have lived with this pain. This ain't temporary, to be hurt like this won't be. Angels who's might have heard me, please tell her to come back to me again.

With that, I left your grave with flowers. Back to your place, my comfort zone, where I dance in flames.