natasha romanoff [one shots]

can't sleep

I woke up with a sweat, my heart is pounding practically out of my chest. I sit up and run my hand trough my messy hair. Looking to my right I notice it is 3:47am at night.

Another nightmare, great.

My nightmares are always about my past at HYDRA, what they did and made me do. From the torture to assassinations. Me killing my family, I will never forgive myself. But the avengers did. Last year I was supposed to be assassinate this mafia guy, that was a threat to HYDRA. That mission turned to be fake, the avengers arranged that so they can catch me.

Now I am here. Being a hero, I mean, that's what the kids call me. But I don't see myself like that. I still see myself as a monster, I didn't deserve this chance they gave me.

I groan, swinging my legs to the side of the bed and walking out of my room to the kitchen. Got a glass of water and sat on the floor, leaning myself on the couch.

I sigh, remembering the nightmare I had. Remembering every little detail, like it was yesterday.

Suddenly I hear footsteps. I ignore it, I don't want to talk to anyone right now.

"Y/N?" a familiar voice approaches me. Turning my head, I see the redhead.

"Hey Nat." I say as I sip my water.

"Why aren't you sleeping? It's almost 4am" Natasha asks me as she now stands in-front of me.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that too?" You chuckle, she raises her eyebrows.

"Okay okay. I had a nightmare." You admit. Natashas expression changes to a worried one.

Abruptly, she sits down next to you on the floor.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks with a hint of worry in her voice.

The thing I learned about the Black Widow in the time I was here is that, she is a closed-off person. She is like a closed book, never shows emotions, nor talk to people about it. Me and her never talk a lot, when we do it mostly about missions. So this surprises me that she asks me this.

"I uhm... dreamed about the murder of my family. They made me do it, I know, but still I feel guilt. I have their blood on my hands. When my mom and sister got shot in the head by me, my dad was the last one. He saw the pain in my eyes which I was suffocating. I had tears when he looked at me. *sniffs* The last thing he told me was 'It's okay, I forgive you' and then I shot him. I am a monster Natasha, all the things I have done. I don't even deserve this chance you guys gave me." I opened up to the ex-assassin, I didn't even realize I was crying until Natasha wiped my tears way with her thumb.

"I have nightmares too, that's why I am awake. In the Red Room where I was trained, where I was raised. They sterilize you. Makes the killing easier for us. I have killed men, women, gosh even children. I cant go back in time and reverse everything. But SHIELD gave me the opportunity to make up for the suffering I have caused. I still try to be better, I don't judge people by their worst mistakes. I had a sister, I mean I don't know If she is still alive. Her name was or is Yelena. She was in the Red Room too. I really want to know If she is still out there. I hope. I cant have children or the life I have always dreamed of. I have done so many bad things that you can't even imagine. Do you still think you are the only monster?" You over to the redhead. She had tears in her eyes. You took her hand in yours.

Without a word you hug her tightly, she stuffed her face in your shoulder. You rubbed her back.

As you broke from the embrace, you finally speak up. "I am sorry Natasha what you have been through. I cant even imagine. Gosh I am so sorry." You hug her again.

"My name is not even Natasha Romanoff." She mumbles in you shoulder. You frown your eyebrows.

"My name is Natalia Romanova." She tells you as you both break from the hug.

You smile a little. "Natalia, Natalia. What a beautiful name." She giggle a little, looking down.

"You know, If someone says that name., I literally want to punch them. But you saying it makes me happy." She admits to you. Your smile grew.

"You are a good person Y/N. Take this chance to make up for it. I know you can. It wasn't your fault what you did, I understand you and I won't judge you. You did a lot of great things in the time you have been here. People love you and accept you for who. you. are *point index finger on my chest* and you should that too." Natasha smiles at you.

"Thank you Natasha. You are a great friend. I never thought I would talk about my past with you. The only person knows is Bucky. Well, you too now." You thank her.

She nods her head. "Of course. But If you ever need to talk about something, I am always her for you. No matter what, I won't judge you."

"Thank you, really it means a lot to me." You smile at her.

"You know, you should feel special." She tells you. Confusion in your face.

"Huh, why is that?" You ask with pry and raised eyebrows.

"I have never told anybody about my past or my real name. Only Clint knows." She nods her head.

"Oh. Thank you for trusting me with that." You tell her as you take her hand.

"We understand each other." Natasha says, squeezing your hand.

"We should probably go to sleep. Steve wants to go with me on his morning run, I don't waaaannnttt toooo but he forces meee." You whine, she laughs a little.

"Well, then get up. *nat gets up, you still sit on the cold floor* chop chop." She orders with her hands moving around.

You got up and walk with her to the direction of your rooms. Natashas room was on the opposite of yours. You stand in your doorframe and Nat in hers.

"Thank you again, really." You thank her again.

Natasha shakes her head. "No need to thank me. Even If everyone sees me as cold, I still have heart."

You smile at her. "Goodnight Natalia."

She giggles as she looks down on the floor and then back to you. "Goodnight Y/N/N."

You get back under the duvets and fall asleep quickly.