Myrr: Reincarnated Timemage Assassin

Chapter 23: How I Was Implicated In A Crime

"Hey...why'd you stop?" Glacia's voice is a bit disappointed, and yet also a bit relieved. "Did you lose focus? Usually, you have very good concentration though...?"

"Ye...yea, I lost my concentration. Actually, that's been happening a lot lately. Ever since...er, do you have any advice for how to improve my focus?" I try to change the subject away from anything to do with Lissandrei, and my teacher cocks her head. How can someone as cute as Glacia be harboring something so terrifying inside of her? This world...sometimes I feel like everyone is full of secrets.

"Well, I never really considered it, since your focus is so good. But I know a few exercises which might help." A smile appears on Glacia's face, though she still seems a bit troubled. "Try this...and this...while imagining this..."

"I see, I see!" Hoping that she won't notice that I lost control of the spell on purpose, I throw myself into learning Glacia's focus techniques with as much enthusiasm as I can. Though the day was supposed to be about Intermediate Magic, it ends up being more a lesson on how to train your concentration. The techniques that Glacia teaches me, remind me of little games. For instance, trying to move both hands independently of each other. Or trying to answer two different riddles at the same time. Thinking it through, the mindset required to do these things is very similar to what is required for me to use Disguised Casting. Hmm...with some adjustment, maybe I can work this into my daily practice!

"Well, those are all the basic exercises I skipped for you in the past. But Myrr, I think your focus is already very advanced. Rather...are you sure that your problem is really with your concentration and not a more...basic problem?" Glacia says this very softly and hesitantly. As if scared I will be angry. Huh?

"What do you mean, Teacher?" I ask, genuinely confused. The Half-Wraith's white hair dances nervously and she looks left and right nervously, before coming back to my face. From here it looks like she's staring at my nose to avoid looking into my eyes-

"Umm, maybe your problem isn't with your focus, so much as it has to do with that incident?" She starts and at first, I grow afraid that she has somehow broken through Lissandrei's memory wipe. But then she continues, "The time with, Jarold Westblade? When you tried to save Mephis? Since you failed to cast Chill at the critical moment, perhaps you've become unconsciously afraid your magic will fail and so..."

Ah...that's what's you meant.

I'm doing my best to control my emotions, but Glacia's worried expression tells me that I'm not doing it very well.

I've been doing my best to forget about that time, but now that you bring it up...

"Is that my problem? I'm scared to fail...so I do?" I say it out loud and suddenly, I feel like Glacia might be on to something.

Do I have PTSD? I wasn't a psychologist, but this kind of sounds like it...

"Pardon me for saying something unnecessary, but as your teacher, I feel I must point out anything that might help you improve. Please forgive my rudeness!" She bows her head. It seems that my teacher was worried I'd be embarrassed, but I hurriedly run over to push her chin back up. You, of all people, should never feel the need to apologize to me!

"H-Hey! No, maybe you're right. I need to think about this more. Can we stop the lesson here?" I ask. Glacia is just happy that I'm not mad. She lets me go for the day, and I wander off into the forest to think. Is she right? I was just talking about my problems as an excuse, so she wouldn't notice that I botched my Ice Spear on purpose. But maybe this is why I can't use Foresight and cast spells at the same time? If looking into the future uses mana, it should just be another type of magic. Which means, that in theory, casting other spells at the same time should work fine. I assumed the reason I was failing was a lack of focus, but maybe it is related to my fear of Gatoa...