Ch. 13: Daddy Issues

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Another 2 Years Later

Maurice & I had been trying for two years to get pregnant again. Right after we left the park that day, we had sex in the laundry room while Nevaeh napped. The load he put in me, I could tell by the way his shit was pulsating in me that I would get pregnant. And did! We both were super excited when we found out later. Three months into it, I started cramping but thought maybe it was because I was stretching. That was until I saw the blood.

Still optimistic, we waited a few months and then tried again. I got pregnant. Four months later, same as the first. Ended the same way. We were devastated because we just knew that, that was going to be the rainbow baby.

After that we took a longer break for like a year before we started trying again. Like before, it was nothing to get pregnant, it was staying pregnant that just seemed to be the issue. I watched Vaeh get older, taller, forming clearer sentences & the more time passed & with the third miscarriage, it had me feeling very discouraged. I wanted to stop. If Nevaeh was all the Lord wanted us to have, I was learning to be ok with that. Maurice was still so supportive, that's a given. He was still very optimistic, more so than me. He went from saying the third was the charm to the fourth would be.

We started to see fertility doctors at his request & monitoring when I was ovulating...He was monitoring. I gave up once I started to feel the signs of the third miscarriage. I didn't see the point. I knew I could get pregnant. At this point I've been pregnant FOUR times in my life and only ONE of those pregnancies produced a healthy child. Honestly, I really didn't want to keep going. I just didn't have the guts to tell Maurice, but I was figuring out a way how. These fucking fertility treatments & pills had me gaining weight & not feeling like myself, I was over it. I made the decision to tell him after Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving

Our entire village came together to celebrate like we always did now. The women all gathered in the kitchen, cooking, gossiping aka talking shit about our husbands & just having a good time. All of the men parked their asses in the den watching a football game. I made it a point to tell them how sexist it was, serious but joking at the same time. They didn't hesitate to put my ass out. None of them could cook worth a damn anyway, so I know that's why it always ended up the way it did. Maurice could do a little something though.

I can't tell you who was playing what because I don't keep up with sports enough to give a damn. Whatever the case was whoever Maurice & Carl were rooting for was kicking my step father Earl, father Jason Sr (we just called him Senior tho) & brother Jason teams ass. I could hear Maurice shouting his "Hell you mean" phrase loud as the sun was bright.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, somehow the topic got on babies & Lex was so excited to tell all of us that she & Carl were expecting. I got all misty eyed, I'm not even gonna lie. I was so happy for her. Finally, she was giving Vaeh a cousin to annoy her (her words).

"I haven't even told Carl yet. I literally just found out right before we left to come here" she said smiling ear to ear. My mother, Sharon & mother-in-law, Sheryl both congratulated her on her bundle. I was smiling too but since she knew me, knew me. She knew I was masking my true feelings. She hugged me & held me extra long and tight.

"You good?" she whispered as she took a step back, eventually going back to help cook. I just nodded & sniffled before I excused myself to get my emotions in order.

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