Ill rise up

Part 23

Blaires POV

I hate this I really do; the blood makes it so hard not to be sucked into memories, the pain makes me feel weaker. I hate that everyone else is on edge making me feel more pressure to not allow myself to be sucked back into that dark unreachable place. Its currently early morning on Sunday I feel so scared to sleep. So now I am sitting on the shower floor as the water runs over me. I keep humming a tune that's been in my head and try and get some words together. I need to keep my head busy. Blaze is sitting as close as he can to the shower without been in there with me. I focus on the water hitting my skin, I watch the water race down the wall. I pick the ones I want to win. The heat helps with the pain and the water helps with the shame and feeling of been dirty, I can't explain to you why I feel dirty. I'm not sure I can put it in words. Blaze constant low whines stops me from drowning in thoughts. Blaze is worried, I sit there and look at him, it is like he is ready to work, ready to try and help me.

"I love you Blazy boy" I say reaching out to scratch the top of his head, letting him know he is doing well, letting him know I am ok for now. I decide that I should get out and go back to bed. I slowly stand up turning the shower of getting dried and changed. I quietly walk back into the room and am confused by the sight. Sabrina isn't there, I begin to worry. Did I scare her of? I really can't blame her though. Been around me must be exhaustingly hard. I don't know why anyone would still be around me after seeing the more inner workings of my brain, hearing my story, seeing my trauma. I sigh and go lay down on the bed cuddling the pillow as the tears start to fall. It's hard I spent so long wanting people to leave me alone, spent so long fearing people. Now I fear losing people. But I know it is inevitable. I am hard to be around and I feel like I can't control it. I'm just to messed up for people to want to stay around me. Blaze licks my face a couple of times.

A few minutes later I feel the bed dip. I roll over a little and see Sabrina, I feel my brow furrow.

"Hey honey what's the matter" Sabrina asks cuddling in behind me. I don't say anything trying to control the tears.

"I got you a heat pack and something for the pain" she says quietly I give a small sad laugh at my stupidity and turn and cuddle into her hiding into her neck. She runs her nails gently up and down my back.

"Talk to me honey what happened?" she says softly. I bask in her warmth for a few more moments. Before I lean back Sabrina looks at me her eyes holding worry as she wipes away my tears. She reaches back with one hand and grabs the heat back gently pressing it to my tummy.

"I thought you left" I said say Sabrina's eyes sadden a little but she kisses my forehead leaving her lips there for a moment as if trying to provide strength directly into my mind.

"I'm not leaving you honey, you're stuck with me as long as you want me, I am here, if you push me away out of fear, I will hold tighter, because I want to be with you Blaire, through the good and the bad I. want. To. Be. With. You" she says that last part broken up by gentle kisses to my face then finally my lips. I smile a little but I know she will leave it is inevitable.

"I just don't understand why you would I'm a nothing" I mumble again and Sabrina freezes for a moment. She makes me look her in the eye softly holding my face her thumb caressing my cheek. I stare into her eyes so many emotions swim in them.

"Blaire please never ever say that again. You mean so much to so many people, you mean so so so much to me, I can't explain it. You are not nothing Blaire you are pretty much my everything. I mean that. When my phone bings your text tone my stomach flips with happiness. I don't remember the last time I felt so happy and special I don't even know if I ever felt it as much in my life until I met you. You bring so much joy to everyone. So please never ever say you are a nothing Blaire. I know you can't see it yet but I promise you will soon see how beautifully amazing you are inside and out. That is my mission." She says her eyes scream honesty and determination. I don't understand I really don't, I want to but I just can't get my head around it. I don't know how to respond her words mean so much to me, as much as I don't understand the words, I guess they do mean a lot. So, because I lack the words, I want to express I kiss her, pouring all my emotions and thoughts into it. I release the kiss and place a few more kisses over her face.