Ill rise up

Part 5

We have just gotten to the airport, I hated saying goodbye to Parker and I am worried about him, he was so on edge today letting us leave. Demi parks and we head into the airport, Demi just wants to make sure we get checked in ok. I'm holding tight to her hand shaking a little. I'm so anxious about flying, Demi has got me some travel calm and something to hopefully help with my anxiety. We check in with no issues, and I turn to Demi almost wanting to just run back home and hide, I'm don't want to see that sweet little soul be suffering, I don't want to go on a plane, I don't want to leave my home or the security that is Parker and Demi. But I can't let that little girl die alone and I won't let Sabrina have to deal on her own.

"you will be ok baby girl remember it is ok to call me or Parker at any stage, Sabrina will be there for you and you will be there for her" Demi says hand on my shoulders looking me in the eye trying to sooth me a little before pulling me into a tight hug I don't know who it is holding tighter me or her.

"we need to go get through security and board B" Sabrina says softly I nod breaking the embrace and demi kisses my cheek and pushes me towards Sabrina,

"take the tablets snug they will help." She says and I nod following Sabrina towards security, this part always freaks me out as well I always thing I'm going to do something wrong and they will tackle me down.

We get through security with no issues thankfully and sit at the boarding gate. I feel sleepy it was such an early start and I was restless last night.

"did you want a coffee and something to eat" Sabrina ask snapping me from my daze as she work to unclench my hands I shake my head no and I realise that my leg is shaking, another nervous anxious trait.

"you need something in your tummy to take the meds didn't Demi say" Sabrina says and I just nod still looking at the ground.

"hey babe look at me" Sabrina says making me slowly look up at her chewing my gums.

"I know this sucks and it is hard, I know you hate flying and can see you anxiety is sky high, I will keep you safe and I will help you no matter what ok?, but for now you need to eat something ok and we will take it hour by hour" she says in a soothing voice and she is right and deep down I know she can help and I know she will keep me safe, but no one can keep me safe from my own head, no one can really stop the memories that haunt me, I know they try but they will never stop. The airport does sounds, and business really causes distress, to many sounds, to many variables. So, I don't move from my seat I know I need to, but I can't. Sabrina grabs my hand and helps me up and I just cling tight my crutches handles. She moves in front of me causing me to flinch a little and she places headphones over my ear's music, my mind starts to slow as the loud noises stop. I give Sabrina a thankful smile. I really need to start thinking of these little things. We get to a small café in the airport and I guess Sabrina orders us something I can't really hear I decide to move one of the ears of so I can speak and Hear Sabrina.

"I got you a hot chocolate and some Banana bread for later" she tells me and I nod still not up for stomaching food but appreciate it none the less.

We board the plane and I laugh a little as I realise she has got us in first class.

"more space the better huh?" Sabrina says making me nod and climb into my seat sitting against the window, I don't buckle up instantly, I can't stand seat belts, been held down. I keep reminding myself that I am safe, I'm not going to a place that will involve pain.

"time to put on your seatbelt please" the air stew dress said which I do not to cause trouble. This is when the shaking starts always does. Clearly the meds aren't helping me with this, it is to many memories. My hands are once again grabbed by Sabrina and she stops me from digging my nails into my palms as she reassures me, I'm ok. I eventually settle down enough as the pills take full effect leaving me slightly drowsy. I'm glad we got bigger seats with my ankle.

We have taken of and levelled out a bit Sabrina and I have just been chatting music and other random stuff then she starts on bad jokes making me laugh a lot, I think I needed this, I feel relaxed and happy, I know what is ahead for me but in this moment I can just be.

"you look sleepy should I be quiet and let you sleep?" she ask and I shake my head no having too much fun laughing and listening to her terrible jokes. The stewardess comes around with food making me scrunch my nose up not wanting to eat, I should have said yes to sleep.

I eat the fruit and a little of the hot breaky. We talk and joke the whole time

"we will continue this later I'm tired as well" she says, and I just pit a little making her laugh at me. I put my head phones on and lay down getting comfy, I'm not happy but I fall into a light sleep.

I feel someone start to shake me making me instantly going into defensive curling up which is hard in a small space with a broken ankle.

"shhh Blaire its breenie" Sabrina says causing me to relax a bit and look at her confused as to why she woke me up.

"your face started to screw up I thought maybe you were having a bad dream so I thought I'd wake you up" she says as if nothing happened but the fact she noticed means a lot I just nod clearing the fog. Once I do, I realise just how much pain I'm in. I grab my bag and search for the pain relief. Sighing a little as I struggle to find them. The pain is bad and I'm still sleepy and getting irritated.

"Blaire pass me the bag, I'll find them calm down" Sabrina says taking the bag I'm irritated so I get up and make my way to the bathroom which is a mission with these flimsy plane crutches. I just sit on the toilet lid and count to 10 a few times and splash some water on my face feeling a little less agitated before walking back to my seat I look at Sabrina to apologise but she hands me 2 tablets and some milk. I take them before looking Back at Sabrina who is working on her laptop again. I move and sit next to her there is hardly enough room.

"Sorry for been a bitch, I just hate the plane, I'm tired and in pain and terrified, I keep ruining everything" I say muttering that last part.

"You are far from a bitch Blaire, don't apologise ok, your emotions are just getting the best of you, never apologise for that, I can guarantee that you will see me like that as well" she says I really don't understand how I have made such a wonderful friend. I just hug her thanking her a few times. I go to move but she holds me there. It's a little uncomfy but that's ok.

"Did you sleep" I ask looking at her realising she looks tired and I wonder how she was paying enough attention to me to know I was having a nightmare if she was meant to be asleep.

"No I got side tracked by work emails" she says and I nod handing her a pillow and blanket

"Sleep" I say as I'm about to stand up but she keeps me in place.

"I'll sleep if you stay" she says making me laugh a little and sit back down she move so her back is to me and uses my shoulder as a pillow and moves my arm around her. I'm not sure what to do so I let her move me to suit. I helped her with her blanket and like Demi does to help me sleep I play with her hair; she is asleep in minutes. I chuckle a little and use my spare hand to get headphones and select a movie to watch.

I watch 2 movies; I dose of here and there but not for long. The stewardess comes back around to say we are close to landing, so I need to get back in my seat and wake up Sabrina. She looks so peaceful I don't want to wake her up.

"Breenie, it's time to wake up we are landing soon." I say to her she doesn't stir so I tickle her side making her jolt up and glare at me making me shrink a little but smile as I remember it is Sabrina and she won't hurt me.

"Sorry I tried been nice waking you up, we are landing." I say she thinks for a moment looking up form where she is still resting on me. I try to soften her up and kiss the top of her head as an apology. She gives me a small smile and I know I'm in the clear and I let out the breath I have been holding.

"how can I be grumpy looking at your face." She says making me blush as she moves so she is sitting normally. I move back to my seat still blushing but realise that I need to stretch and pee.

We land, and they help Sabrina and I of first as I need some assistance. Takes me a moment to balance with my backpack before we head off the plane. There is a man down stairs with a sign saying Carpenter that Sabrina moves me over to, I'm shocked a little as he already has our bags.

"hey JoJo" Sabrina says embracing the man Sabrina introduces us to each other Jo is the driver Sabrina always uses here. We get to the car and I climb in I grab some more pain relief as my ankle has been starting to ache again. Sabrina passes me some water as if expecting I would need it. Can this girl read my mind or something.

"are we going straight to the hospital" I ask looking out the window having done this drive before But I just want to confirm that we are, I like knowing.

"yea babe" she says before she starts chatting with Jo asking about his family and work. It's nice listening to them talking to each other she cares about people. I'm not exactly sure how I will do when I see Avery. Why do the good die young, why does this little girl have to face so much crap, so much pain, this little girl who loves the world and people, after her family left her and cancer riddles her body. I really hope Cooper meets her in heaven and looks after her and gives her lots of cuddles.

We are standing outside the hospital room the Avery is in and my hand is on the door.im scared to go in and see her. I need to take a few moments to ensure my brave face is on. I need to be brave for Avery. I look to Sabrina to see if she is ready, she looks upset as well. I should have talked about her feelings. I pull her in for a hug feeling her take some breaths. I kiss her temple before releasing the hug.

"I'm here for you Breenie, if it gets too much, we can go outside for a break. We just need to be brave for that special little girl" I say trying to comfort her by running my hand up and down her arms crutches moving with my arms making it a little awkward. She puts on a mask making me smile a little and rub the back of her hair a little as if to say I am proud of her. We walk in and as soon as I lay my eyes on Avery, I want to cry she looks so small and fragile in the big bed. But her face lights up when she sees us.

"Bwear, sabby" she says excitement in her voice. And we head over to her. I drop my crutches as she holds her arms up for me and I pick her up hugging her tightly

"you came" she says crying. I hate that she didn't think we would come here.

"of course we did baby, I missed you so much" I say kissing her head hugging her one last time before I pass her to Sabrina. I sit in the seat next to the bed and help Sabrina place Avery back into the bed. I pull her blankets up and dry her eyes. She has a beautiful big smile on her face still making me smile at her.

"ohhh I brought you something" I say pulling a teddy out of my bag for her making her smile and hugging it tight. She tells us all the movies she has been watching and how she made a friend, which makes me want to cry. We keep it light I tell her about Jaya and show her photos, we play with some filters on the camera app, but I can see she is getting tired and is in pain, he eyes show it so clearly. I watch as Sabrina climbs into the bed and Avery cuddles into her and Sabrina starts singing which I join. The little one falls asleep as we sing, and I notice she is sweating a little. I buzz for a nurse who comes in after a small time. she smiles at the scene in front of her.

"I was just a little worried she is sweating and before it looked like she was in pain" I say and the nurse nods reading the chart.

"she is due for more morphine and something to help with the panic, she is terrified of dying no one wanted to tell her but she knows, she is smarter then we give her credit for, I checked in before and haven't seen her look so happy in a while" the nurse says making me look at Avery I can't even imagine how terrifying this must be for her.

The nurse has been in for an hour explaining what we can expect they aren't giving her more the 2 weeks before she passes, the cancer is spreading so fast, the expect in the next week or so she will slip into a coma, she has been sleeping a lot longer and that will keep happening, they are managing her pain and she has a feeding tube back in and fluids but once she is in the coma they will stop them. There is no use trying to keep her alive the cancer is killing her. I don't think I'm ready to accepts that. We ask if we can do anything to make it easier for her and she tells us that we just need to make her waking hours happy but be aware that even a small touch will start hurting her, she explains what we can expect. It hurts to hear but I keep my mask up and act as if it doesn't affect me but inside it is destroying me and I want her to stop talking.

"also Blaire all the nurses have been told that you need to do physio and to make sure you're not in pain. " she says before walking out making me laugh a little before I message Parker to call him a clown for making sure they all know.

Avery sleeps for 5 hours and at some stage Sabrina fell asleep as well for a bit I snap a picture. They look cute, I head down to the café to grab some sandwiches for Sabrina and me. I need to stay strong for both of them because Sabrina was crying hard when Danni was explaining what to expect with Avery.

I walk back in as Sabrina starts to wake I smile at her when she sees me and I hold up the bag of food and drinks she stretches and comes to join me on the small couch. We eat in silence, Sabrina resting on my shoulder and we both just looking at the bed. We both finish the sandwiches and water and I pull out a cookie making her smile as she snaps it in half when she sees I don't have one. I can tell Sabrina is crying again and I try to comfort her the best I can. I go back to what others do to comfort me. I pull her to sit on my lap and rock us back and forth. I don't know why this works so well but she calms down.

"I got you" I whisper to her trying to calm her further. It almost feels nice to be able to comfort someone. I've never had anyone I cared about to bother calming them down.

"thank you B" she says once she has stopped crying. "I'm sorry for crying, I'm meant to be the one been strong for you" she says weakly making me shake my head at her.

"you don't have to be strong for me Sabrina, this is hard on both of us. Never hide how you feel Breenie" I say kissing the side of her head holding her.

I've just face timed with Parker he seems ok and seeing me seems to ease things a bit for him, I told him to start planning for Christmas and to organize a date with demi. Trying to give hm ideas to keep his mind busy. I need some air, so I just let Sabrina know I am heading down to the garden for a bit. She doesn't want me going by myself, but I tell her we can't leave Avery by herself in case she wakes up. I tell her I am safe in the hospital. I get to the garden and lay down on the grass letting nature calm me down, I can't let my emotions overtake I cried last night and now Sabrina needs me, Avery needs me, parker needs me to be calm and ok. So, I need to go back to the girl who could hide all her emotions. Could hide all the pain, all the external and internal pain, not so long ago I could hide all that and I just need to be that girl again. Everyone needs me to be that girl again. I need that balance of caring but unemotional I did so well. I need to find that balance again. I take a few more moments to gather all my thoughts work out the mask that the people I care about needs from me before I make my way to the room again. Sabrina comes over giving me a hug as if checking I am ok, of course I am ok, I can always be ok.

Avery wakes up just as Sabrina lets me out of the hug and we walk over to her it is now 6:30 and I know that we have to go shortly. Avery needs her rest and since we aren't family, they won't let us stay overnight been the ICU.

"hey baby girl" I say softly moving over to her bed side holding her hand gently, scared that I will hurt her after what the doctor has explained she gives a small smile back at me. I climb into the bed, wanting her to have all the hugs while we can, take all the comfort she needs.

"what happens when I die" she asks suddenly making a lump form in my throat as this sweet innocent child looks up at me with so much pain and childish curiosity. I don't really have the answer, but I know I need to let her know in the nicest version of it possible.

"well firstly baby you will be pain free, you will have your long hair back, you will go to heaven and my best friend Cooper will be there waiting for you, I bet he has a beautiful house up there and a dog, he will take you for all the ice cream you can eat, all the hugs that you want. And everything up there is happy, all you dream and wishes will come true, nothing can hurt you up there. And down here, we will miss you so much baby girl, but we will always remember you and you can look down and see us whenever you want. I want you to do something for me when you see cooper, tell him I love and miss him more then he will ever know and I love him and I'm sorry" I explain she seems very content with this and has a beautiful smile on her face and I can tell she is seeing it all in her imagination. I look at Sabrina and she is smiling as well.

"and one day we will join you up there and I will be wanting the biggest hug" I say, and she smiles again nodding.

"we will have to go shortly baby girl; we will be back first thing in the morning ok" I say she seems sad, but I won't leave until she is asleep. I start to sing to her, and she makes herself comfy and she falls asleep making me smile. I stay there a little longer making sure she is asleep, and the nurse comes in saying we need to leave. I carefully untangle from Avery and Sabrina hands me my crutches.

We get to the apartment that Sabrina has organised we don't bother getting someone to drive us it is only 5 minutes up the road and the air is good. Paps don't care or know we are here. The crutches make it difficult but worth it. When we get home, I flop exhaustedly onto the couch.

"I'll order some dinner, what are you thinking?" she asks, and I just shrug not caring and having no idea what is around.

"I'm not fazed Breenie, can we watch a movie though" I ask just wanting a distraction from reality.

"yea babe of course, why don't you go shower and get some Jarmies on, I will get some food" she says and I nod walking through the apartment to my room that has a bag in it I grab my Jarmies and head into my bathroom. The shower is amazing it has a strong flowing waterfall head and it is so relaxing. I could live in this shower. I feel all day wash away I drag myself out of the shower I get changed and head back to the lounge room Sabrina is on the couch in her Jarmies with food on the table.

"I ordered some Chinese food" she says making me smile and sit down grabbing a plate and filling it, not even caring about the amount for once. We decide to watch fast and the furious. Once we are finished, I feel sick and worry about how I am about to react. I look at Sabrina who holds her arms open for me noting that I need someone to stop me going to the bathroom. I know I said I will be strong, but I think this is a little different. I sit on her like she did earlier in the day, and she holds me tightly. I still don't get why feel so comfortable with this, she makes me vaunrable and I can't stop it. I lay my head on the shoulder trying to focus on the movie but I can't I am focused on the warmth and safety that is Sabrina it is different to Parker and Demi there's is parental in a way I guess I don't know how to explain it now though. I yawn a little feeling tired from the day.

"why do you make me so vaunrable" I whisper randomly almost slapping myself for letting that slip out.

"I don't know Blaire but it it's any comfort you make me incredibly vaunrable as well. I don't think of it as a bad thing" she says making me smile a little but I'm still on the fence trying to work out if someone making me vulnerable is a good thing. It leaves me open for too much. But I can't bring myself to try prevent or make it stop with Sabrina.

I guess I'm over thinking has led me to fall asleep still sitting on Sabrina because I'm shaken awake and the movie seems to be over. I stumble to my room saying good night to Sabrina and lay down placing the crutches next to my bed, I'm tired but I can't sleep, I hate been in a new place, it is way to unfamiliar. There is a knock at the door startling me a little as Sabrina pokes her head around the door.

"can I stay with you" she asks, and I can't tell if she is doing this for me or for her but I'm not complaining. I just hold the blanket up and she climbs into the bed and cuddles into me making me smile a little and work on getting as comfy as I can. Her breathing basically evens out straight away as she falls asleep.