Neighbours

Chapter 122 ~I Told You

Dixies Pov:

Its 1:17am. Everyone is asleep. Marc is sleeping on the chair, Noah is sitting on the couch and sleeping with bean in his arm and obvioulsy, Jenna is sleeping on the bed. Noah wouldnt let me hold bean.....not after what i did. He isnt wrong and i know it. I got up, walked to the restroom, in the room, and locked the door. Im honestly glad i always carry a razor with me in my pocket. I took it out, slid off my jeans and sat on the floor. While cutting my thigh, i started talked to myself

Dixie: I dont deserve to be happy. Bad things always happens to me even if i keep a positive attitude, things aways falls apart. Noah nor bean deserves me. They both deserve someone who is much better than me. I cant do anything right. I dont want anyone to be unhappy because of me. Im gross and ugly. The shape of my body suc-

There was a knock on the door and i knew it was Noah, when i heard his voice. When i looked down, i saw ALOT of cuts on my thigh, varying in sizes. There was blood leaking down my thigh and a pool of blood between my thigh

Noah: Open the door right now or i will ask for the key Dixie

I heard Noah speaking softly and softly knocking on the door. I know for a fact the i cant clean all this up before he gets the key. Either way he would find out so i got up, placed the razor in my pants pocket, that was on the floor then walked up to the door. Im in a t-shirt and underwear right now since i took off my jeans. I opened the door and Noah looked at me until he walked a litlle closer to me and realised the blood leaking down my thigh. He looked in the restroom, and saw the pool of blood on the floor then walked in and locked back the door. Just as i was about to go get toilet paper to clean the floor, he pulled me into a hug......one that was long needed

Noah: This is bad baby. You have large cuts on your thigh......alot of them

Dixie: You and bean deserve someone better than me

Noah: No, no we dont. You are more than perfect for us. Im going to place you on the counter and wipe off the blood from your thigh ok?

Dixie: No

Noah: Why?

Dixie: This is basically blackmailing you into speaking to me and i dont want that. It wasnt and isnt my plan

Noah: I know it isnt your plan but i cant leave you to loose so much blood baby

Noah placed me onto the counter and started wiping of the boood from my thigh, with toilet paper. It didnt even hurt and he was still so gentle

Dixie: I really really really hate myself Noah

Noah: Dont say that. You dont and if you feel like you do, we will work on it. I dont want you to hate yourself

Dixie: I dont feel like i hate myself.....I know i hate myself. I never do anything right

Noah: Thats not true. You made a mistake baby. Mistakes happen and pepple learn from them

I pulled Noah into a hug and cried onto his shoulder. He hugged me back and played with my hair as i cried

Noah: Let it out baby

Dixie: I really want to die and end all this pain that i constantly feel, Noah

Noah: Pain that you constantly feel?

Dixie: I got my happy family but that doesnt mean that im happy. When im alone, or even when im with people and not speaking, i get all these negative thoughts about myself and it always hurts me

Noah: Why didnt you tell me?

Dixie: We were just about to have bean in a few days and after i had him, it was too late because i had already started back hurting myself. I didnt want to make you worried when you were so happy

Noah: I dont care if im happy. Happiness always comes but i wont get you a second time if you take your life one day baby

I pulled away from the hug and looked at him in his eyes. He placed both his hands on my waist and i placed my hands on my legs

Dixie: You are wrong. The joy of becoming a first time parent, wont ever come back if you loose it now. Now is the time that you get to enjoy being a first time dad because when bean grows, that feeling will fade and you will just feel like a pro dad. I see how happy bean makes you Noah

Noah: Thats where the problem lies. You only see how happy bean makes me but you dont see how happy you make me

Dixie: Because i dont. I stress you out and you dont need that kind of stress in your life

Noah: Please stop. You are hurring me. Do you remember the time when i tried to commit sui-

Dixie: Dont bring that up. That hurt me more than anything ever did

Noah: How did you feel at that time?

Dixie: I felt like i was about to loose a major part of me and i would die along with you. It didnt feel good at all, to see you there with all those pills. It also made me feel like the most horrible person since im your girlfriend and you was about to commit suicide

Noah: Ok........So how do you think i feel? You saw me once in that state but i have seen you way more than once like this baby. I dont think i can cope with this for much longer. I-I blame myself everytime that you self harm

Dixie: What? Why? Its not your fault Noah. Its my messed up mind makes me do it

Noah: I cant help it. You are basically my responsibility now that we are together and have a baby and even so, before that when we werent even dating, i considered you my responsibility so everytime you self harm, its bothers me. I love taking responsibility over you but when you hurt yourself, i always feel guilty for it

As i was about to speak, we heard bean crying so Noah opened the door, ran and got bean then came back and lock the door. I took out my t-shirt because it would be easier to feed bean so now im only in my bra and underwear. He placed bean in my arms and kissed both of our foreheads as i began to breastfeed bean. I know, breastfeeding in a restroom.......wierd right? But many mothers do it when they dont have a choice and right now, i dont have a choice but to feed him in here. Noah wipped off all the blood from my thigh, leg and the floor then put all the toilet paper in the toilet and flushed it. He washed his hand and stood infront me, holding a toilet paper on my cuts since it keeps bleeding

Noah: This makes you loose too much blood baby. You need to find something other than this to do

Dixie: I told you. When im emotionally hurt and tired, the blade and lighter is the only thing that pops up in my mind

Noah: Its either you speak to my dad or i take you to couseling every week

Dixie: I will speak to your dad. He already knows part of my problems so it will be easier instead of having to start over with another counselor

Noah: Good. You arent staying in the hospital with Jenna form tomorrow. Here is what is going to happen. We will leave here whenever our moms come back here which should be early. We will take a shower, eat, see about bean then take a nap. After our nap, we will make arrangements with my dad for you to speak with him. Everytime you have a session with him, i will buy you something or take you out somewhere, ok?

Dixie: I dont want you to buy my anything but a date sounds really nice

Noah: So you will take these counseling sessions and not drop out of them, right?

Dixie: Mhm

Noah: Good. You need to understand that i really care about you baby. What will happen to bean and i if something happens to you?

Dixie: You guys will move on from me and you will get bean another mommy

Noah: No, bean will have to stay mother-less. Is your willpower to kill yourself that strong that you are suggestimg to get bean another mommy?

Dixie: Thats why im agreeing to start back counseling with your dad

Noah: I love you

Dixie: I love you more

Word Count: 1502words

I know......i was gone for months but i'm back now. Hopefully forever, not sure yet. I hope you all enjoy this and i appologise for disappearing these few months