LAST EVE

sixteen

Is that any way to be?
Just have your way with me
My body is cryin'
These tears, can you wipe 'em?
Is that any way to be?
Just have your way with me

I Want You - Janet Jackson

♡♡♡♡

sixteen

 I decided it was right for me to come home. I missed my family and my best friend and there was really no reason for me to still be abroad if I was finished with my research program. I'd certainly well exhausted my time. I was stalling, but Jonesy had come and found me. Even when I was afraid of myself and what I had become.

He came for me.

I had no idea where we stood now, we hadn't mentioned anything except about coming home again, he just treated me how he'd always done. He still looked at me the same way with those blue shining eyes. However, now I felt that he was a lot more wary of his actions and how I would react. This was justified though, considering I had ran away because of my own thoughts without giving him any time to explain himself. This brought back a familiar feeling of shame and disgust for myself.

He said a lot less now and seemed to just watch me, as if he thought I'd run away again. I did not blame him one bit. I was, however, a bit irritated at myself for how I had acted for the last few months. I was selfish and childish in my efforts to avoid the man I said I loved. I say love as if I myself knew half of what it really meant. The only one of the two of us who I could say wholeheartedly knew what love is I suppose, would be Jonesy himself. As he travelled all the way to Japan to prove himself and did not give up for the duration that I was away. While I cannot be sure of his engagements with others while I was not home, there was a thought and feeling inside me that I could trust this man. The doubt I had for him was slowly dissipating. I myself had no thoughts of how to feel about that at all. Whether to be ashamed of myself or happy that I let myself trust someone who I felt genuinely loved and cared for me.

When we arrived at my apartment, Joy was not home. It was the middle of the day and Adam was as joyous to see me as I was to see him. He gladly followed me around and watched as Jonesy helped me take my things up the stairs. I watched Jonesy as he put his well toned body to use and did not complain one bit about the large amount of things I had accumulated while away. He just watched with his eyes and smiled when I made several attempts to justify my purchases. Then again, he had never judged me in the past.

We were back here again, after many months of being separated, in the room we spent those long days together sharing ourselves. Or I suppose I should say long nights.

He stood by my door as if he was unsure of whether to come all the way in, with nothing to say, just lookin and watching.. While I sat on my bed, with my laptop case in my lap and the rays of the sun warming the right side of my cheek. I had nothing to say but look up at him. He seemed exhausted but made no move to sit next to me. This, I admit, added a layer of insecurity in the back of my mind.

"You look tired." I finally said. He smiled again, although it did not reach his eyes, which for some reason brought a feeling of anxiety that weighed heavily on my chest and I felt a twinge of panic settling in the back of my throat. I fidgeted and looked away.

"I guess I am." He replied. I stayed silent, afraid of what he would say next. "Eve." I looked up and he came to sit next to me. I felt the weight of the bed dip, accommodating his weight as it had done some time ago in the past and I felt my mood change suddenly as I realized our proximity. His eyes were still that shade of blue and still so expressive. And I stared and blushed, with no thoughts and no words.

"I don't know how we got here," He began, and I just watched and listened, because I hadn't given him his chance. I would give him his chance now, because I knew he deserved that much in the very least. "But I want to apologize first. For my own part because I know who you are and what you mean to me." He moved closer but I still did not speak. "You are all I've thought about for the past six months you've been gone. I-" He looked down. I was afraid of what he was going to say next.

"No, I'm sorry." I said in a small voice. His eyes moved back up to mine. "I should have let you explain the first time. I was wrong and immature. You didn't deserve that at all." I turned away in embarrassment, my hands trembled in distress. "You mean more to me than I've admitted. I did you wrong by leaving. I'm sorry."

He didn't say a word for a moment.

I felt his fingers move against the back of my neck and through my hair. "There's nothing you could do, that would make me love you any less."

I turned towards him with my eyes filled with tears and felt all his love at once. I never knew a man to be open this way, I found it endearing and beautiful, the same way I found him.

"Really?"

He smiled and moved his face close to mine. His nose touched mine lightly and I felt his lips brush against mine just barely. His eyes met mine."Really." He said against my lips.

I reached up to run my hands through his soft hair and sighed in relief. I knew I did not deserve him. How could I deserve such a man?

He then moved his lips against mine, and I remembered everything again. I remembered our first night together and how stupidly he risked his health for time with me. I remembered his hands everywhere and I remembered his voice everywhere.

I remembered him.