Desire

Expired

"He'll be out soon and I- I don't know how to feel" I sit painting on a little canvas Gloria had given me.
Every time I come in she gives me a new canvas.
"Do you still talk to Jeremy?" She questioned, I actually liked Gloria.
She was nice and I misjudged her.

"Yeah I do, he's fine- he's moved on" I bite the inside of my mouth.
"You told me a while ago that when you started dating Rafe, you enjoyed it, but the circumstances weren't ideal but you knew who he was and you liked him for that? Correct?" I liked the way she listened to me, she had no biased opinion on anything I said.
"I liked how he just looked at me- no one's every done that before, like actually saw me but I lost myself on the way- now I'm here" I let out a little laugh.

"What do you mean? Lost yourself?" Honesty it was hard to put into words.
"I was consumed by Rafe- I forgot who I was, what I liked, what I didn't like- I changed everything for him, I feel stupid" I put the canvas down along with my paints.
"Why do you feel stupid? What your feeling is natural after all? It must be, your human right" Gloria smiled at me.

"I feel stupid because I know who Rafe is, what he's like, I still let him mess me up so bad, Jeremy getting hurt was my fault-" tears start to spill from my eyes.
"It isn't your fault, you need to forgive yourself in order to move on- that doesn't mean forgiving Rafe it means putting it to the side, worrying about what you want to do for a change"
I'd always put others first, if someone asked me for anything I'd give them it, if I could.

"I'm going to stay single for a while- it's just I haven't seen him for nearly two months now and last time I did- he had this look in his eyes" my voice cracks slightly.
"It scared you?" I nod my head as Gloria spoke.
I was scared of what he could do.
"You deserve someone that you aren't scared of Kat- you need to love yourself and then you can find a partner"

She was right, I'm staying single for as long as possible, I have too.
"I was never scared of him- not until that night, I thought he killed Jeremy and it kept me up for weeks after, but now he's getting discharged and I have to see him- he's asked after me" I notice the canvas sitting there.
Some of it was dry so I pick it up to start painting again.
"Are you still in contact with your other friends?"

"Yeah I saw them before I came here actually, they understand everything and are pretty supportive" I nod my head along as I continue to paint.
"You are strong enough to do what ever you want in life Kat, that's why I know you can do this, when he gets discharged just avoid him and if he comes looking tell him your not interested- that will be progress" she's right, I couldn't hide away from Rafe.

I was only scared because I hadn't seen him since the party.
It's like when you have ages off school and then your scared to go back but the more time you have off the more nervous you get about going back in.
"Ok- the nightmares have gone since seeing Jeremy, he looks well and he's enjoying life" I smile at the thought of him.

"They might of disappeared because you know he's alright, your mind likes to play tricks on you, scare you but you know Jeremy is safe and well"
I hang up the canvas letting it dry by the fan.
"I'll see you for our next session- next week Tuesday, how's your meds? Any side effects?" She opens her book.
I shake my head "nope, I feel good" that was the truth.
I'd had less mood swings, breakdowns and I felt safer.

"Good, if you do it's totally normal just make sure you report back to me please" she smiles at me and I nod opening the door.
For the first time in ages I have felt whole, without someone else being the reason for that.
I was single and happy.
I had started doing things I enjoy again, painting, reading, surfing and spending time with my mum.

I didn't need to be out partying all the time, truth is I hadn't been to a party since that night .

The day Rafe gets out: